Graduate / Essay for MBA school : How to write the fittest context & structure in my essay [2]

Hi, would you please to check my essay below....tku

Short term/Long term goals after graduated (max.500 words)

In the next few years, I would like to seek a position as Head of Treasury Division at Bank BRI which its main job is closely related with the management of liquidity, gapping Asset and Liability, balancing of bank margin, and optimizing idle of liquidity. I have acknowledged that treasury is the heart of bank. For example, Treasury Division must take significant role if there is a mismatch of liquidity. In this case, bank will rely on treasury to access money market. For that reason, the decision maker that steers the business is my choice. I choose treasury as my entry point to climb up the corporate ladder.

My ultimate goal is to become the CEO of PT. Bank Rakyat Indonesia (Persero) Tbk. I want to lead and bring this company to become not only the best micro and retail bank in Indonesia but also the best bank that can compete with private and foreign banks locally and regionally. To help me achieving this goal, my educational background and work experience are essential points. I received my bachelor degree in Economy majoring in Accounting from Airlangga University. I learnt many things about accounting and finance and since then I decided to pursue my career that closely related to my educational background. I joined PT. Bank Rakyat Indonesia (Persero) Tbk, ir-bri.com, a public company in which the government of Indonesia is still the majority shareholders, in 1999. My company focuses its businesses on micro finance, as well as small and medium enterprise. It is the largest commercial bank in Indonesia with 50,000 employees and 4,814 business outlets all over Indonesia. After more than 10 years in BRI, I have extensive experiences in various aspects of banking businesses such as lending and operation at branch office. Those aspects gave me valuable experiences in shaping my personal development. I have many experiences in dealing with people, working in a team, sharing ideas, designing business process and solving problems.

MBA degree is another important point. To be a Bank BRI future manager, I need not only strong knowledge in finance but also strong background in general business. To achieve my goal, the best way to grow professionally is to learn more about general business. I believe that [ ] Graduate School is the ideal place for me to take this next step in my life. An effective banking manager in 21st century must be well-skilled in international practices on banking business, a perspective that my company also concerns since it has international exposure and must be adaptive in an ever-changing business environment. I am interested in [ ] Graduate School - MBA program that put a lot of emphasis on Finance and hands-on experience in solving real business problems. The program and resources that [ ] Graduate School offers will help me boost my knowledge in this area. I would like to combine my own experiences with what I learn at [ ] Graduate School. At [ ] Graduate School, I will have many opportunities to broaden my networks and to share experiences with talented student from around the world. I am confident that now is the right time for me to earn an MBA degree since I was selected by my company to pursue an MBA degree, after passing a set of tests in a very competitive selection process.

My educational background, 10 years work experiences and coupled with a MBA degree are the factors I am most certain very essential that will equip me with necessary qualification as well as sharpen my managerial skills in order to achieve my objectives.