megdance48
Mar 23, 2010
Writing Feedback / Take caution (one important aspect of your character) [2]
Instructions: Illustrate one important aspect of your character in less than 2 pages and with using 6 or less be verbs.
The feeling of pure terror rushed through my body as I struggled to keep breathing. Time drastically came to a halt, as I fought against the natural force that tried to bring me down. What seemed like hours of torture of the unknown was merely thirty seconds of war. I had never once fought harder for my own life. When I lost control of my body, a new fear grew within me: water. Something that once triggered the emotion of joy in me now triggered hate and anxiety. I thought I would never get over the mortifying ordeal that I went through during my early childhood.
With my light pink bathing suit on, eager to go swimming, I jumped in the shallow end of the pool at Grand Traverse Resort. The smell of chlorine surrounded me and I knew I was in heaven. The pool appeared brighter and more gigantic than the sky which made it almost intimidating. Nothing could stop me from running like a mad women into the pool though. It was a new adventure for my brothers and I every time we entered a new and shining pool. We treasured vacations for this soul purpose. The only rule my parents told me I couldn't do was go over to the deep end without my floaty. I splashed and played games with Nick and Michael for what seemed like hours on end. Eventually, to my dismay, my two older brothers went in the deep end because they could swim so I took pride in showing off my cannon ball skills ever so diligently to my mom. I tried to impress her so I made very big splashes in attempting to soak her while she was lying down. I quickly got bored trying to show off and felt annoyed that no one was in the shallow end to play with me. I had an idea though! I could follow the shallow edge around the pool to the deep end. My mom was now deeply enveloped in her magazine anyways so there was no one to yell at me for crossing to the adult side. I knew I could have used my floater tube but as a four year old I was more stubborn than a businessman. The line that split the pool in half didn't intimidate me one bit. I was a big girl. The lip of the pool was slimy and slippery, so I had to hold on tight to the edge of the pool side. As I drew closer to my brothers I felt the edge slip right out from under my feet. Before I realized what had happened no more lip to walk on existed. I found myself terrified and grasping for breath. I used all of my might to keep my head above water but it was no use. I attempted to scream "help" but as I did nauseating chlorine water filled my mouth and engulfed my lungs. I felt as if my lungs were going to burst if I kept screaming. I was helpless. I regained hope as I saw a quick and blurry image of my mother running full fleche towards me with a look of horror on her face. She jumped in without hesitation and saved me from the gigantic mass of water before my brothers and the lifeguard could get to me. I was alive.
"Are you ok honey?" my mother asked out of breath from all the excitement.
"My head hurts" replied my shaken up self.
"Don't ever scare me like that again" my mother said almost with an angry tone.
Not even 6 months later I fell off of my Grandpas deck and felt like I was living in a déjŕ-vu. Luckily my brother heard the splash of my ungraceful and willingly to jump in and save me from my ongoing nightmare. Two years later I found myself in a pool again against my own will. I had to finally face my fear of water that I had attained two and a half years ago. With the help of my mother, my fear of water reluctantly disappeared. Now I can graciously swim with the best of them.
Instructions: Illustrate one important aspect of your character in less than 2 pages and with using 6 or less be verbs.
The feeling of pure terror rushed through my body as I struggled to keep breathing. Time drastically came to a halt, as I fought against the natural force that tried to bring me down. What seemed like hours of torture of the unknown was merely thirty seconds of war. I had never once fought harder for my own life. When I lost control of my body, a new fear grew within me: water. Something that once triggered the emotion of joy in me now triggered hate and anxiety. I thought I would never get over the mortifying ordeal that I went through during my early childhood.
With my light pink bathing suit on, eager to go swimming, I jumped in the shallow end of the pool at Grand Traverse Resort. The smell of chlorine surrounded me and I knew I was in heaven. The pool appeared brighter and more gigantic than the sky which made it almost intimidating. Nothing could stop me from running like a mad women into the pool though. It was a new adventure for my brothers and I every time we entered a new and shining pool. We treasured vacations for this soul purpose. The only rule my parents told me I couldn't do was go over to the deep end without my floaty. I splashed and played games with Nick and Michael for what seemed like hours on end. Eventually, to my dismay, my two older brothers went in the deep end because they could swim so I took pride in showing off my cannon ball skills ever so diligently to my mom. I tried to impress her so I made very big splashes in attempting to soak her while she was lying down. I quickly got bored trying to show off and felt annoyed that no one was in the shallow end to play with me. I had an idea though! I could follow the shallow edge around the pool to the deep end. My mom was now deeply enveloped in her magazine anyways so there was no one to yell at me for crossing to the adult side. I knew I could have used my floater tube but as a four year old I was more stubborn than a businessman. The line that split the pool in half didn't intimidate me one bit. I was a big girl. The lip of the pool was slimy and slippery, so I had to hold on tight to the edge of the pool side. As I drew closer to my brothers I felt the edge slip right out from under my feet. Before I realized what had happened no more lip to walk on existed. I found myself terrified and grasping for breath. I used all of my might to keep my head above water but it was no use. I attempted to scream "help" but as I did nauseating chlorine water filled my mouth and engulfed my lungs. I felt as if my lungs were going to burst if I kept screaming. I was helpless. I regained hope as I saw a quick and blurry image of my mother running full fleche towards me with a look of horror on her face. She jumped in without hesitation and saved me from the gigantic mass of water before my brothers and the lifeguard could get to me. I was alive.
"Are you ok honey?" my mother asked out of breath from all the excitement.
"My head hurts" replied my shaken up self.
"Don't ever scare me like that again" my mother said almost with an angry tone.
Not even 6 months later I fell off of my Grandpas deck and felt like I was living in a déjŕ-vu. Luckily my brother heard the splash of my ungraceful and willingly to jump in and save me from my ongoing nightmare. Two years later I found myself in a pool again against my own will. I had to finally face my fear of water that I had attained two and a half years ago. With the help of my mother, my fear of water reluctantly disappeared. Now I can graciously swim with the best of them.