Book Reports / "Saving Hamlet" - Feedback and editting on my essay for English [2]

I had to tell how the poem 'If' and the play 'Hamlet' contrasted in at least two paragraphs. Then, in at least four paragraphs, I had to tell about these points:

-How do you view the concepts of choice, consequence and responsibility?
-How does each choice you make, whether trivial or critical, create the person you are to become and meaning in your life?
-Why must you not seperate choice, consequence and responsibility?
-Do you find it powerful that you have the ability to choose how you act, speak, think and even feel?

It had to be at least 4 pages, double spaced. It's worth 40 marks, and I am in grade 12.
Can you help me edit this essay, and tell me what mark you'd give me, marking on a University level? Thanks.

Saving Hamlet

Shakespeare's play Hamlet was a tragedy of epic proportions, with almost every character dying because of Hamlet's over-thought course of action. However, with a proper mindset, Hamlet may have survived through the play, sparing many other lives as well.

Hamlet's main character flaw was his process of thinking, and consequently, it led to his demise. If Hamlet were to have followed the advice of Rudyard Kipling in his poem entitled 'If', things may have turned out differently. 'If' is a poem full of good advice that could help anyone in the worst situations.

"If you can dream---and not make dreams your master; If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim."
In contrast to what Kipling expresses in this line, Hamlet spends every waking moment over-thinking his decisions. On the other hand, Hamlet also seems to value people who act foolishly, basing choices on animalistic instincts. Hamlet bases his actions on one extremity or another throughout the play---whether he thinks too much or thinks too little; and it doesn't seem to make his life easier.

To specify what I mean, I will give two examples of Hamlet's behaviour from scenes from the play. When his murderous uncle Claudius is praying and admitting his sins to God, Hamlet has a perfect opportunity to act-out his revenge by stabbing Claudius while his eyes are shut. He avoids this opportunity though, his excuse being that if he kills Claudius while he is praying, there's a chance that Claudius will go to heaven. Unlike this behaviour is what Hamlet displays only moments after this scene, while Hamlet is speaking with his mother. He realizes that there is someone listening to their conversation from behind the curtain. Without even giving it a thought, he stabs through it, thinking it is his uncle. He ends up killing Polonius, who was spying on them in Claudius's place. This one death is the start of a chain reaction of death, which effects almost every character in the play.

Choice, consequence, responsibility; these are three things Hamlet seemed to separate, possibly caused by his insanity. All the choice you make have consequences that are attached to them, whether they are good or bad. Therefore, it is our responsibility, to ourselves and to those around us, to choose only the things that bring along good consequences. For example, you choose to get your homework done, you get a good grade, and as a result, you and your parents are happy. Because Hamlet did not connect those three words, his actions ended up dooming himself and the characters that surround him.

Personally, I keep these values close to my heart, but not so close that it can suffocate me. Although it doesn't appear like it, every choice that I make, I do think about the possible consequences and how it will effect my friends and family. But even though I do this, I also have another philosophy I'd like to share: Don't take life seriously. We only live once, so why bother wasting it by always doing the things that are safe? It's bad to always make wrong choices, but doing a stupid thing every once and awhile is fun, not to mention emotionally healthy.

These choices we make---whether they are bad or good---all show off a certain aspect of our personalities, giving the people around us a taste of who we really are. It could be something as simple as choosing to walk instead of run, or a big decision like getting engaged to someone you love. Every single choice shows who we are, but the thing you have to remember is to not let your choices create you, because you create the choices.

Of course, I'll admit that most of us don't have complete power over our choices. The media and our peers constantly attempt to change our way of thought, and convince us to make the same choices as the rest of society. For example, fashion is one choice that the media pushes girls to, especially at a young age. When it comes down to it though, the only one controlling your brain should be you. We have power to make our own choices, so we cannot let the media and our peers make us afraid to make choices that contrast with society's image.

In conclusion, I would just like to leave you with some things to ponder. Whenever you make a choice, think about how it effects the ones around you. If your decisions give you bad consequences, or if it ends up hurting someone else, then is it really worth it? Will you stop, and change the path you take, or will you be a Prince Hamlet, and cause a tragedy for everyone around you?

"If you fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds' worth of distance run, yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!"

-Rudyard Kipling

Writing Feedback / Essay For My Right To Be Me- feedback [4]

Assignment-
Tell us about a Canadian Human Rights problem that affects you or your friends.

Essay- My Right To Be Me

"To be nobody but yourself- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else- means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight, and never stop fighting." -e.e. cummings

The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms was a bill of rights that formed the first part of the Constitution of Canada. It became official with Queen Elizabeth the Second's signature on April 17, 1982, and was created to allow people to be individuals, and to let us be free to make our own choices. Although the Charter is still in place, people have had their rights violated by their peers every second of every day.

Individualism is a very tough thing to come by, with all the 'fads' of today, and with such high standard images being burned into the scalps of every teenage girl that reads fashion magazines. No matter where you turn, the media shapes your opinions to what 'perfection' should be like. "Size matters", "Wear skirts and low tops", "Only designer clothes are pretty". Girls are constantly bombarded with these messages. Even the men are not safe, with commercials and advertisements telling them to dress in suits, keep cleanly shaven, and some advertisements even hint that if your bodies aren't bulging with muscles, you don't fit in with society's 'image'.

What happened to freedom of expression? What happened to freedom of thought? Nowadays if you even speak differently then social standards, you are slaughtered with cruel words, pushed around, and in some harsher cases you could even end up dead. Suicide is an increasing problem, and when someone is constantly being picked on by their peers, it can create a message in their head that being individual is wrong. Contrary to what people think, the problem isn't limited to high school. From elementary school until the day you die, if you want to be yourself, it will come with a high price. Almost no one will stop try to turn you into a clone of society.

I can certainly support this with my own experiences. Ever since I was a child, I knew I was different. I always was daydreaming, living in my own little wonderland, and not quite caring about what other kids thought of me. As soon as I could buy clothes for myself, I dressed the opposite of any kids in my class. I didn't believe that there was such thing as 'genders', I was bisexual, and even before I came out of the closet everyone seemed to know. The other children were afraid of me. They were repulsed by me and I had few friends. By the time I was in junior high, I had literally no friends at all. I only had me, myself, and I. This cruel reality caused me to go home crying every single evening. My agony almost pushed me over the edge, as I stared at a cold slab of wall, thinking about how tasteful a nice stain of red would look covering it.

In high school, their forms of bullying changed. Ignoring me wasn't as fun as watching my face go red with anger and anguish when they called me 'emo' and told me to slit my wrists. I've even had people tell me I should 'do everyone a favour and slit my throat instead'. It was terrifying; I expected that at any moment, someone might do that for me. Even today I hear people talking behind my back, and as I walk down the hallway, people give me looks of disgust and disrespect. Ignorance is a frightening thing.

People's ignorance is what creates things that allow for people to group us off. Of course it's much more difficult is it to be individual when we have imaginary 'cliques' that apparently everyone belongs to. These stereotypes are what are used to help bullies single people out. Let's face it: almost everyone is guilty to comparing perfect strangers to these outrageous stereotypes. You see a man wearing dark make-up and all black clothes, so you think he must be a Satan worshipping goth freak. Then a girl walks by wearing a low-cut, pink shirt and a short skirt, so you figure she must be a slutty, gossiping prep girl. Gangster, weeaboo, freaks, nerds... the possibilities for grouping people together seems to be endless. People who stereotype others need to realize this little fact: we are not emo, hicks, loners, or whatever other label you'd like to stick onto us. We are only people, just like you.

Thankfully, I go to a small school where the individuals slightly outnumber the ignorant. It is terrible though, to see that this problem is starting to appear in younger and younger age groups. The poisoning of stereotyping and subliminal messaging in the media is appearing in younger grades, and I think it's just wrong. Suicide that may have been caused by harassment from peers is starting to appear more often in younger age groups. Young adults and teenagers are the second most popular age group to die from suicide, and most of those were caused by depression. Imagine how many of those cases of depression were caused by harassment by their peers.

Did all our rights and freedoms go out the window? There is no one safe from having their rights being violated, even if they may lie and act like everything is alright. Not dressing and acting the way you want to is lying to yourself, and to me, that is a crime. It's a crime because if everyone was individual, no one would be singled out anymore. No one would have to harbour the pain and humiliation of being bullied. No one would go home to stain their pillows with tears. No one would need to fight, and no one would have to fight.

So we, the individuals, continue our fight for peace and freedom. We will continue to carry the torch of expression, and we will all stand high. We fight for all of you, and we will continue our fight, because even if being individual is the hardest battle of any human on the planet, we plan to fight it forever, even after we are gone.