mayrac92
Jul 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "to fit the expectations of others" uc- Being a twin [3]
I'm not one in a million; rather I'm one of two. "You're like Ricky with hair" or "Dude, you look/are so much like your brother" are loathsome phrases that make me mentally writhe in pain. There are numerous phrases and clichés that are spewed out to me once people find out about my brother. See, I'm a twin and that, as much as I would like it not to, has defined me for the majority of my life. Even though my counterpart is male, the incessant comparisons never end. My brother is an enormous part of my world, much like I am a part of his and we have shaped and molded each other to fit into what the other may need, whether it be a friend or an enemy.
I am Darth Vader and Ricky is Luke Skywalker. I'm incredibly headstrong and have been told that I overshadow him, although he is older. My parents constantly paint him as the angel in distress, while I am Lucifer, his enabler. This has always been a ridiculous thought in my mind though, since I used to feel like I was the one constantly living in his shadow -"Mayra's grades are good because she's a hard worker, but Ricky's could be better since he is smarter." I have always known that Ricky was smarter, but constantly being told that took its toll. I may have had the picturesque transcript but what did it mean if people didn't truly think that I deserved it? I valued intelligence over hard work, but more importantly, I thought that I could never measure up.
I never once felt like being a twin was a burden until I became aware of all of these latent emotions and luck be damned that they at came at the turbulent time known as adolescence. My insecurities came to a head when a realization dawned upon me... I loved my twin, but being a twin was both a blessing and a curse. My world had consisted of a set of ordinances that had been set forth because I was a female twin- My curfew was eleven while Ricky's was midnight, I had to cook, while he cut the grass. I didn't begin to resent my world till my dreams and aspirations and the manner in which I would achieve them came into question.
I wanted to be a psychiatrist, Ricky a doctor; my mom's response? "You two should open up a practice TOGETHER. I began to feel like my future hinged concurrently on what my brother wanted to do. Would I ever be unique and my own person? I began to feel as if even my own dreams and aspirations weren't solely just mine. Would they be enough to please those who dwelled on the comparisons?
Thank goodness for the purgatory known as high school though. As my interests began to expand out into new realms of interest, so did my brother's. I began to realize that my dreams could be shared; after all it's not bad to share your life's ambitions with those you love most. The constant defensiveness I had when it came to defending my dreams against ill-advised comparisons made so that I only stood more fortified in what I knew I wanted to do and be. The most important thing I realized though was that there's always going to be a Ricky, but I no longer felt the need to fashion my dreams to fit the expectations of others, especially those who compare me to him.
I'm not one in a million; rather I'm one of two. "You're like Ricky with hair" or "Dude, you look/are so much like your brother" are loathsome phrases that make me mentally writhe in pain. There are numerous phrases and clichés that are spewed out to me once people find out about my brother. See, I'm a twin and that, as much as I would like it not to, has defined me for the majority of my life. Even though my counterpart is male, the incessant comparisons never end. My brother is an enormous part of my world, much like I am a part of his and we have shaped and molded each other to fit into what the other may need, whether it be a friend or an enemy.
I am Darth Vader and Ricky is Luke Skywalker. I'm incredibly headstrong and have been told that I overshadow him, although he is older. My parents constantly paint him as the angel in distress, while I am Lucifer, his enabler. This has always been a ridiculous thought in my mind though, since I used to feel like I was the one constantly living in his shadow -"Mayra's grades are good because she's a hard worker, but Ricky's could be better since he is smarter." I have always known that Ricky was smarter, but constantly being told that took its toll. I may have had the picturesque transcript but what did it mean if people didn't truly think that I deserved it? I valued intelligence over hard work, but more importantly, I thought that I could never measure up.
I never once felt like being a twin was a burden until I became aware of all of these latent emotions and luck be damned that they at came at the turbulent time known as adolescence. My insecurities came to a head when a realization dawned upon me... I loved my twin, but being a twin was both a blessing and a curse. My world had consisted of a set of ordinances that had been set forth because I was a female twin- My curfew was eleven while Ricky's was midnight, I had to cook, while he cut the grass. I didn't begin to resent my world till my dreams and aspirations and the manner in which I would achieve them came into question.
I wanted to be a psychiatrist, Ricky a doctor; my mom's response? "You two should open up a practice TOGETHER. I began to feel like my future hinged concurrently on what my brother wanted to do. Would I ever be unique and my own person? I began to feel as if even my own dreams and aspirations weren't solely just mine. Would they be enough to please those who dwelled on the comparisons?
Thank goodness for the purgatory known as high school though. As my interests began to expand out into new realms of interest, so did my brother's. I began to realize that my dreams could be shared; after all it's not bad to share your life's ambitions with those you love most. The constant defensiveness I had when it came to defending my dreams against ill-advised comparisons made so that I only stood more fortified in what I knew I wanted to do and be. The most important thing I realized though was that there's always going to be a Ricky, but I no longer felt the need to fashion my dreams to fit the expectations of others, especially those who compare me to him.
