Undergraduate / UC Essay 1 - A library full of children [6]

It should be "if not better." You have a small typo you wrote it instead of if. And I agree with bluebellia I believe "talk out" there sounds poor. Also the line "I have much fun on stage" sounds poor. I feel like your essay is just a very average essay. In my opinion it doesn't feel completely sincere, but instead an essay that you believe that the colleges will love since it deals with volunteering and helping children. Write about what you are passionate about. If this is then I would work on it but it is a good start.