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Posts by atown
Joined: Sep 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 25, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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atown   
Sep 20, 2010
Undergraduate / Alternative Learning Experiences- Massage School & Traveling Abroad [6]

Statement of Purpose: explain any circumstances that I feel could add value to my application; address the admission committee directly and let them know more about me as an individual in a way other transcripts can not reflect

I graduated high school in 2000 and worked full time for some years thereafter. Despite the fact I was a member of the Honors Society and on a college prep track, I was disillusioned about the importance of continuing my education. I yearned for some "real world" experiences. Instead of pursuing the expected path, I attended massage school, traveled, found hobbies and started a business. Attending massage school and traveling around the world transformed my perspective on education.

Attending massage school in 2003 was the initial catalyst for my educational, and personal, "revolution". The teaching environment and style of massage school was completely different than any other classroom I had been in. My teachers frequently utilized lecture, hands on demonstration and video instruction for one lesson. We rarely sat at desks under florescent lighting, but instead sat on mats on the floor utilizing natural light from the room windows. To learn about different techniques, we had live massage demos and to further our understanding of the anatomy of the body, we built muscle groups with clay. It had been a long time since I had actually felt excited to be in a classroom. Coupled with this, I met interesting people from all walks of life. I became inspired by the personal stories we shared and as I continued to learn about the origins of massage, I was intrigued by these historical cultures and Eastern philosophies. I began to see greater opportunity in my future and my curiosity to explore the world was becoming fierce.

After I received my massage license, I went abroad for the first time. Still inquisitive about the origins of massage, I ventured to Asia. Initially, I planned to enroll in massage courses abroad, but once I stepped foot overseas, I became immersed in the sights and sounds of the culture. Sitting in a classroom, even if it was in a different country, was the last thing I wanted to do. Experiencing new cultures was challenging and rewarding. I was taken aback witnessing such poverty; the smell of street food overpowered my senses and the natural beauty of the land left me speechless. No classroom could ever replicate that.

It was in Laos that my eyes opened to the blessing of education in the states. My travel partners and I befriended a couple of monks who were eager to practice English. They shared with us stories of their life in the monastery and about their studies. Eventually, we learned of the monasteries run down classroom and inadequate supplies. We built a chalkboard, desk and benches and supplied them with erasers, pencils and chalk. The monks were extremely grateful. I learned that many of the "novice monks", the young children of the monastery, were dropped off at the monasteries as babies because the temple would raise the children, provide them with a meager education and an opportunity to learn English. The alternative was that the children would be raised in poverty. How different their education opportunity was from mine. My educational possibilities encompassed me saying, "yes" to school and then applying to my college of choice. I reflected on this awareness, and their experiences juxtaposed against mine, I felt guilty for my whimsical decision to postpone college. I had decided back then, in my all knowing age of 18, that I could just delay the college path because I could, yet, for these monks, it was but a dream to obtain an education remotely similar to the education available to me in America. I had taken the prospect of a college education, for granted. Education accessibility, in these developing countries, is not like what it is in the United States. I became deeply grateful for my educational opportunity and I now felt like it was a responsibility for me to utilize the education that awaits me in any of the institutions in America.

Now certain that college could only enhance my real world experience, I enrolled at ACC in 2007. I have had powerful conversations because of my recent studies and, just like those "real world" experiences, my professors, classmates and the course material has continually inspired me. So while the road to my college career has been filled with twists and turns, I am now exploring new worlds and realms with in the confines of a classroom. Having been deeply moved by the sights, sounds and vibrancy of other cultures, I aspire to take hold of opportunities here in my culture. I am so grateful I took the time to experience the world (a small part of it) before committing myself to the academia life. I am confident that new doors of possibility await me on the grounds of the University of Texas.
atown   
Sep 19, 2010
Undergraduate / Anyone can be the change in the world - College Essay - Review [4]

Consider diving right into your "powerful experience" instead of "dedicating it..." This opening paragraph will be much stronger. Also, you have some grammatical errors that could be cleaned up with a simple revision. Your "thesis" statement, "The way you treat someone, or interact with, may impact the rest of your life. I think that if more people considered their relationships with everyday acquaintances more important, their futures might be brighter." can be reworded and/or combined to be clearer and stronger. With only 250 words you want to be a concise as possible.

For ex, "It became clear to me that mere acquaintances can dramatically impact ones life..."
Consider elaborating on these historical figures a bit more..what else about them inspired you?...
atown   
Sep 19, 2010
Speeches / Jamie, a very strong willed, intelligent and inspiring person - Speech [4]

You get your point across clearly. The main things that could be cleaned up are grammatical errors (which won't matter so much if this is a speech). The fluidity of the first paragraph could be a bit stronger. For example, after you introduce Ms Witte you describe her a little bit. Then, in the 2nd paragraph, you say how she initially influenced you and then you describe her again. I would clean this up by combining her characteristics in one statement and then transitioning into how she initially inspired/influenced you into another.

Also, the third example is the absolute strongest piece of this speech. Consider opening with that statement.
atown   
Sep 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "I resorted to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain"- issue of importance, UT of Austin [6]

Prompt:

explain the significance of an issue to me, my family, my community or my generation



There was a time in my life when I believed asking for help meant I was a weak person. If I had a problem, I would have chosen to figure it out on my own even if help was offered. I was so resistant to help and advice back then; it was as if I desperately needed to prove to the world that I was fiercely independent and could survive on my own.
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