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Posts by sandhiyar
Joined: Sep 6, 2010
Last Post: Oct 30, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 4  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 6
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sandhiyar   
Oct 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Peddlers, Smell, Way, Indian beliefs, Growth - Personal Statement about Culture [4]

Any feedback is welcome. I could not make my paragraphs clear, so I highlighted the beginning of each paragraph in red. Thanks!

Peddlers lined the cracked roads, calling, "Chai! Chai! CHAI!" A man with emaciated arms and a single cloth around his waist slept on the ant-infested sidewalk. Schoolgirls wearing blue and white uniforms and folded braids walked at the edge of the roads, accustomed to the rampant traffic. Women on scooters covered their noses, mouths and hair with scarves in an attempt to avoid the ubiquitous pollution. A bell rang from a nearby temple indicating the start of a holy day. I was in India.

From the smell of burning incense to the humid, sweat-inducing weather, I love India. It is a shelter for the poor and a home for the rich, a bustling city and a rural village. To me, with its staggering contradictions, India is flawless. It combines the riches of the past with a progressive vision of the future. I was the outsider, indulging in the beauty of India. Growing up in the United States, how could I be exposed to the fervent celebrations of Diwali, when fireworks enliven the night sky, or Navarathri, when cities are decked in gold and silk? I needed to find a way.

I knew that way had to do with faith. However, learning prayers and mantras was not sufficient, because I was ignorant of their meaning. Music has allowed me to understand my religion. As I sing Carnatic music in praise of God, I am simultaneously nurturing my spirituality and satisfying my need for authentic culture. I am enriching my appreciation for art and religion by weaving stories of the divine in euphoric melodies. As I discovered the culture in my music, I realized that culture is more than art and religion, it is sewn into the very fabric of my origins: my family.

Emphasizing Indian beliefs , my close-knit family has espoused intimacy and trust as the bases of healthy relationships. Each member of my family has been a profound influence in the shaping of my personality, my goals, my faith. Urging me to succeed, my grandma has endeavored to provide me with the education she never had. Like an older sister, my cousin is my reliable confidante, who has been a fountain of trust. My commitment to be a role model is constantly reinforced by the admiration of my loving sister, while the love of my parents and their prayers for my happiness have been my guiding stars. My family has been indispensable to my development from an innocent girl to a confident young woman, eager to experience life's blessings.

With the growth of my understanding, concerning my culture, music, faith and family, I realize that, after all, I am not lacking anything. Like musical notes that compose a beautiful symphony, my music, my family and my faith are all components of the culture within me.
sandhiyar   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "Racism and it's effect on my human identity" - Common App Essay- Personal Experience [5]

Wow, this is a powerful essay!

to live and breathe America

I'm not sure that this part is clear. I don't understand how you can live and breathe America. I like your idea, but I think it needs more clarification.

I still couldn't rid myself OF the 'terrorist' label...

guests; Instead,

You don't have to capitalize "instead" after the semicolon.

watched her wear the sari I refused to sew

... watched her wear the sari I HAD refused to sew...

I am American, and I am Indian- I didn't have to choose between them.

That's a good idea, but it doesn't really make sense.

my ethnicity and race was a part of me

WERE a part of me

From the moment that I made the realization that my ethnicity and race was a part of me that I could never rid myself of, I tried to reattach that part of myself back.

This is confusing as well. Try clarifying what you're trying to say.

hoping that they will not make the same mistakes I did and learn to love their heritage and religion.

This is confusing as well. Although I understand what you are saying, it sounds like you hope that they will not learn to love their heritage and religion.

Just some pointers!
Good luck!
sandhiyar   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / Tennis=Hard work (not genius) - Common App Extracurricular Activity [4]

You should really show more of your passion for tennis. Maybe you can talk about that feeling you get when you hit an ace. You could talk about that feeling when you reach up, bend your knees and bring the racquet down on the ball-how exhilarating it is when you serve. Haha, I play tennis too. :)

I came to acknowledge this phrase for the first time while

You should change phrase to something like aphorism.

I felt countless times the urge to quit, especially when on my first game I got hit on my balls

That might be funny when you're talking to your friends, but it seems inappropriate. (the "balls" part)

You also have random words you have capitalized that shouldn't be capitalized like:

Tennis

My Finals

1 % talent

You mentioned 1% talent, but the Einstein quote says 1% inspiration. I'm not sure what you mean there.

to practice Tennis every morning

Practicing tennis every morning shouldn't be embarrassing. That's part of the 99% hard work. Maybe you could expand on that, like: I got up every morning at 5:00 and took the metro to school to practice my serves. I was the only one on the courts. All I could hear was my heavy breathing, the ball bouncing and the birds chirping.

Your idea is really good, just work on clarity and your passion for the sport. :)

Good luck!
sandhiyar   
Sep 19, 2010
Undergraduate / My identity in music: Common App short essay [10]

I forgot to mention that the maximum words for this short essay is 150 words.

I'm sorry, but there is a limit of 150 words. I'm not sure how much I can add on. Thank you for the suggestion about "varying skills," I'll definitely change that. Is there anything else I could change?
sandhiyar   
Sep 14, 2010
Undergraduate / My identity in music: Common App short essay [10]

I forgot to mention that the maximum words for this short essay is 150 words. First, I had written the paragraph about my experiences and my performances, but I realized that I had already mentioned those things in the extracurricular list on the common app. Also, I was told to write more about my passion than my accomplishments.
sandhiyar   
Sep 11, 2010
Undergraduate / My identity in music: Common App short essay [10]

elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences

My heart pulsates with the rhythm, my mind is immersed in notes and my arm is covered with goose bumps. Only music can hold such power. For me, it is a transformation from a world of teenage stress to a world of serenity and from an academically overachieving Indian kid to an unidentified Carnatic music vocalist. My identity in music is insignificant; it is masked by my interpretation of melodious scales, my varying skill in different rhythms, and my willingness to learn. I cherish that I am a part of something eternal; although there is an end to every life, there is never an end to music.

Any suggestions are appreciated. Thanks!
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