Undergraduate / Application Essay: About to die of embarrassment because it's so stinky... [2]

I hope you have not sent your essay because even though it is not very helpful for your application, there is plenty of space for improvements:

1) The essay seems too focused on your friend rather than you (2.5 out of 3 paragraphs). Try to reverse the proportion, i.e describe how the death of your friend affect you for the majority of the essay.

2) Frankly, the 1st paragraph would fit better into a story than an essay as it sounds like a forced attempt to show rather than tell (which I know you may have heard from countless books on essay that it is a good thing to do). Remember, you only have so many words to use, and show off your literary/poetic sense to talk about someone else is not space-efficient.

3) In your defense, however, your 2nd paragraph moves seamlessly and elegantly from showing (the funeral scene) to telling (about how the loss affect you). If I were you, I would make change to the 2nd para. and make it my 1st paragraph, and with a twist make the 1st to be the last paragraph - sorta like in media res. A suggestion for this twist would be like so (just some raw ideas): his death inadvertently brings revelation to your mind or he might have not been wise in doing so but he left a legacy worthy of more than any wise words (don't try to sound like preaching). Ex: "...his lifeless body, lying there amid the sobbing of his family, was more forceful than any orator standing on the podium talking about the meaning of life..."

For this emotional kind of essay, I would suggest that you ask for your female relative (they are better than female teachers) to comment on the content. The writing can be proof-read by anyone. Good luck

Undergraduate / "Language Barrier" - Common Application Additional Information Section [9]

@ the 1st question on AP/IB: no, you don't need to. Although you may need to remind your counselor to mention it either in her rec. or in school profile/your transcript to be sent to admission office.

@ the 2nd question: I think it's a good idea to describe about the camp concisely.

Undergraduate / "Language Barrier" - Common Application Additional Information Section [9]

You are falling to the temptation of making up excuse for inevitable situation, i.e no excuse is needed, unless it can be told in a funny/sad/original/suspenseful way or story. Try not to follow any rigid formula in your essay like I did A, but don't worry about it because I also did B, which would mean C if I get accepted - formulaic essay never helps. So be original; even if your language skill is not excellent yet, there are many simple yet more powerful vocab/style/etc. to talk about something and make it interesting.

Undergraduate / "Maturing from your mistakes" Topic of choice essay [3]

Although your story is truly sincere it is not heart-felt and would never strike admission officer due to the lack of vivid emotions and the very common traps of generalization and oh-I-learn-this-from-this kind of story. To make your essay powerful, you should not overuse adjectives but employ verbs of action to describe emotions and conclude/make it open-ending story in a subtler way.