scout01
Nov 21, 2010
Undergraduate / Barret Honor College Essay ... What didn't Kill me !! [3]
They sounded like thunder and moved like lightening around the house and in a flash they were gone with my father chained.
They sounded like thunder and moved like lightning around the house; in a flash they were gone with my father in chains. (fix lightning spelling, can use semicolon for brevity)
The arrest took less than three minutes, but the melodramatic event kept recreating itself in my mind for years and years following its occurrence, I saw it every time I closed my eyelids. The loud knocks on the wooden door, the questions my mother shouted, the screams that escaped my sister's throat, the fear in my brother's eyes and the puzzlement in mine.
The loud knocks on the wooden door, the questions my mother shouted, the screams that escaped my sister's throat, the fear in my brother's eyes and the puzzlement in mine - I recalled them every time I closed my eyelids. ("The loud knocks on the wooden door, the questions my mother shouted, the screams that escaped my sister's throat, the fear in my brother's eyes and the puzzlement in mine." is a fragment)
Somehow years passed by and I ended up in the United States, instead of 2000 it is 2005, the time in between was so temporary I do not quite clearly remember it's details.
Five years passed by and I ended up in the United States; the time in between was so temporary I do not quite clearly remember its details. (I'm not sure if you need to indicate the years since the paragraphs that follow describe yourself as a person, not events. Also, "it's" means "it is" whereas "its" signifies possession)
So far, my parents have fought all my battles, and it was time for me to take responsibility.
So far, my parents had fought all my battles, and it was time for me to take responsibility. (past tense)
I was constantly at a position where I have to defend my faith or accept the claim that Islam teaches terrorism and therefore all Muslims are terrorists.
I was constantly at a position where I had to defend my faith or accept the claim that Islam teaches terrorism and therefore all Muslims are terrorists. (past tense)
Furthermore, to make matters more complicated, I'm a Northern Sudanese which is the dominant race in Sudan that is responsible for the genocide of forty thousands in Darfur and two millions in the South.
Furthermore, to make matters more complicated, I'm a Northern Sudanese, a member of the dominant race in Sudan that is responsible for the genocide of over two million people in Darfur (you may also want to change "Furthermore" to another word since you use "more complicated" immediately after)
Defending Northern Sudanese citizens (not government), Islam, and I against constant accusations led to my high tolerance of others.
Defending Northern Sudanese citizens, Islam, and myself against constant accusations led to my high tolerance of others. (I think it is fine to leave out "not government". You must use "myself" instead of "I" since "Defending ... myself against" makes more sense than "Defending ... I against" if you were to leave out citizens and Islam.
I sort of typed this in a hurry, but I hope it helps!
They sounded like thunder and moved like lightening around the house and in a flash they were gone with my father chained.
They sounded like thunder and moved like lightning around the house; in a flash they were gone with my father in chains. (fix lightning spelling, can use semicolon for brevity)
The arrest took less than three minutes, but the melodramatic event kept recreating itself in my mind for years and years following its occurrence, I saw it every time I closed my eyelids. The loud knocks on the wooden door, the questions my mother shouted, the screams that escaped my sister's throat, the fear in my brother's eyes and the puzzlement in mine.
The loud knocks on the wooden door, the questions my mother shouted, the screams that escaped my sister's throat, the fear in my brother's eyes and the puzzlement in mine - I recalled them every time I closed my eyelids. ("The loud knocks on the wooden door, the questions my mother shouted, the screams that escaped my sister's throat, the fear in my brother's eyes and the puzzlement in mine." is a fragment)
Somehow years passed by and I ended up in the United States, instead of 2000 it is 2005, the time in between was so temporary I do not quite clearly remember it's details.
Five years passed by and I ended up in the United States; the time in between was so temporary I do not quite clearly remember its details. (I'm not sure if you need to indicate the years since the paragraphs that follow describe yourself as a person, not events. Also, "it's" means "it is" whereas "its" signifies possession)
So far, my parents have fought all my battles, and it was time for me to take responsibility.
So far, my parents had fought all my battles, and it was time for me to take responsibility. (past tense)
I was constantly at a position where I have to defend my faith or accept the claim that Islam teaches terrorism and therefore all Muslims are terrorists.
I was constantly at a position where I had to defend my faith or accept the claim that Islam teaches terrorism and therefore all Muslims are terrorists. (past tense)
Furthermore, to make matters more complicated, I'm a Northern Sudanese which is the dominant race in Sudan that is responsible for the genocide of forty thousands in Darfur and two millions in the South.
Furthermore, to make matters more complicated, I'm a Northern Sudanese, a member of the dominant race in Sudan that is responsible for the genocide of over two million people in Darfur (you may also want to change "Furthermore" to another word since you use "more complicated" immediately after)
Defending Northern Sudanese citizens (not government), Islam, and I against constant accusations led to my high tolerance of others.
Defending Northern Sudanese citizens, Islam, and myself against constant accusations led to my high tolerance of others. (I think it is fine to leave out "not government". You must use "myself" instead of "I" since "Defending ... myself against" makes more sense than "Defending ... I against" if you were to leave out citizens and Islam.
I sort of typed this in a hurry, but I hope it helps!
