Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Benjamin89
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Oct 13, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 4  
From: Singapore

Displayed posts: 6
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
Benjamin89   
Oct 13, 2010
Undergraduate / North Korea lacks democracy and meritocracy - "Issue of importance" [4]

Thanks for the feedback! I am working on a new draft right now.

Im unsure as to who has changed the topic heading. Maybe the moderator? But my essay is not about North Korea being meritocratic and democratic, its rather more of the opposite.
Benjamin89   
Oct 13, 2010
Undergraduate / North Korea lacks democracy and meritocracy - "Issue of importance" [4]

Hi,

Written below is my personal essay for common app and I would appreciate any feedback coming from the community.

Personal Essay: 1. Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

As North Korea's future leader Kim Jong-un made his debut before the world's media on the morning of 10th October 2010, standing beside him was his father, Kim Jong-il. Both watched as the country's largest-ever military parade marched past, young soldiers kicking their legs up high and turning their heads proudly to face the VIP balcony.

Three years ago, my family and I travelled to South Korea for a holiday. My memories recount that it was a beautiful country, with tremendously polite citizens and a vibrant culture. Throughout my experience there, I had the opportunity to converse with my South Korean tour guide who spoke smatterings of English and learnt much about the country's culture during the long bus rides between destinations. However, there was one occasion in which I distinctly remember broaching the subject regarding the relationship between the two Korean factions. His face immediately furrowed into a sad frown, as he recounted the needlessness of the Korean War and the many lives that were lost in the process. I was deeply saddened by his description of the typical North Korean citizen and the hardships they endured on a daily basis; hence, upon reaching home, I made a concerted effort to read up on material related to the topic.

North Korea, while officially a socialist republic, is essentially a totalitarian dictatorship. Excessive political, social and economic restrictions are firmly enforced to its people's detriment and a number of international human rights organisations accuse it of having one of the worst human rights records of any nation.

For example, North Koreans sent to prison camps for crimes committed against the regime are subjected to torture and inhumane treatment. The prisoners are forced to undertake physically demanding work such as stone quarrying and mountain logging for up to ten hours a day, seven days a week. They are punished if suspected of lying, not working hard enough or forgetting the words of patriotic songs through a combination of beatings, forced exercise, and starvation. As a result, many of them fall ill or die in custody.

Starvation is also rampant throughout the country. According to the World Food Programme in March 2009, only 2 million people were able to receive food assistance out of the 6.2 million targeted by its emergency operation in 2008. Despite this, food is still largely allocated with priority attributed to the military and high-ranking government officials. Food shortages exacerbated by inappropriate governmental policies have intensified over the course of 2010, with reports of North Koreans being forced to survive on a diet of grass and tree bark. Despite these food shortages reaching critical levels, the government has not sought international assistance in ensuring minimum essential levels of food for its population.

Yet, these are but two of the extensive problems that exists within this backward country of self-sufficiency. As a dedicated advocate of human rights, I find this an unacceptable situation on many fronts.

A strict adherence to international standards should be applied and immediate action undertaken to stop the use of forced labour, torture, and ill-treatment of North Korean prisoners. In a local context, while corporal punishment is legal under Singaporean law, it is meted out in the form of judicial caning to deserved male delinquents. However, our prisoners are neither mistreated nor subjected to forced labour. While retaining an impartial judiciary system, hospitable accomodation is provided in prison and every individual is accorded his/her basic human rights.

Immediate and unobstructed access should also be granted to the World Food Programme to ensure that food reaches those most in need. In Singapore, we have enjoyed virtually full employment for long periods of time. We also have the third highest gross domestic product per capita in the world, and while this does not directly relate with the food shortages North Korea is facing, it implies that North Korea has the potential to implement effective governmental policies that would solve its nation's domestic problems. Its industrialised, near-autarkic, centralised command economy highly restricts international trade, which does nothing to improve its current situation.

I am a firm believer in both democracy and meritocracy, both of which are greatly lacking in North Korea. It is alarming that in this day and age, their citizens are still being deprived of their basic human rights, such as freedom of expression and right to food.

I am a little unsure as to how I can end my essay. I am also a tad afraid as to whether I have made it personal enough since I have identified an international concern as my topic.

As mentioned above, Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Benjamin89   
Oct 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "Love for all kind of sports" - extracurricular activities, common application. [4]

You would probably want to elaborate on an aspect of athletics that has enabled you to derive the values of perseverance, dedication and endurance. Remember, the person reviewing your essay wants to know more about you rather than the sports you have played throughout your life or your achievements. Perhaps attempt to focus on athletics alone since its your speciality.
Benjamin89   
Oct 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "the Renaissance woman" - WHY BROWN - Short Answer [11]

the opportunity that Brown provides me to combine different areas of study with an aim to produce an idiosyncratic yet holistic education is well enough to convince me that I belong in this school.

I like how you have tweaked this sentence from your original essay to better suit the required character constraint. The sentence also seems less of a mouthful and is actually much more well-structured.

Generally, its a unique essay with excellent flow and vocabulary. Easily one of the better ones on the site. Well done!
Benjamin89   
Oct 4, 2010
Writing Feedback / 'Lose your concentration, lose the game': Extracurricular Activity [4]

Hi,

I would greatly appreciate any help on improving my short answer essay under the extracurricular activities section. Here it is:

'Lose your concentration, lose the game'. The simplicity of this phrase belies its ease-of-applicability to every aspect of our lives. Through golf, I have come to realise that the glory of winning does not emanate from a stadium of raucous chants or applause, nor does it come from the comforting weight of a medal around one's neck. The sheer technicality and precision required in every shot makes this a sport where discipline of the mind is of the highest priority; and it is often said that an unwavering consistency, coupled with a sound head in the face of adversity, is necessarily essential for victory. Being captain in my senior year has immensely enhanced my abilities as an effective leader, and the experience has also taught me important life lessons in handling situations with honor, grace and virtue. Without question, golf has played a substantial role in developing my character and intellectual ability.

[152 words]

Thanks,
Benjamin
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳