Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

'Lose your concentration, lose the game': Extracurricular Activity


Benjamin89 2 / 4  
Oct 4, 2010   #1
Hi,

I would greatly appreciate any help on improving my short answer essay under the extracurricular activities section. Here it is:

'Lose your concentration, lose the game'. The simplicity of this phrase belies its ease-of-applicability to every aspect of our lives. Through golf, I have come to realise that the glory of winning does not emanate from a stadium of raucous chants or applause, nor does it come from the comforting weight of a medal around one's neck. The sheer technicality and precision required in every shot makes this a sport where discipline of the mind is of the highest priority; and it is often said that an unwavering consistency, coupled with a sound head in the face of adversity, is necessarily essential for victory. Being captain in my senior year has immensely enhanced my abilities as an effective leader, and the experience has also taught me important life lessons in handling situations with honor, grace and virtue. Without question, golf has played a substantial role in developing my character and intellectual ability.

[152 words]

Thanks,
Benjamin

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Oct 7, 2010   #2
The sheer technicality and precision required in every shot make this a sport where discipline of the mind is of the highest priority.

Hey, what do you mean by "pioneered?" Did you get a club started? If so, give a sentence of explanation for that, because it is one of the most important parts of the essay.

:-)
OP Benjamin89 2 / 4  
Oct 13, 2010   #3
Edited. Any comments?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Oct 16, 2010   #4
Being captain in my senior year has immensely enhanced my abilities as an effective leader, and the experience has also taught me important life lessons in handling situations with honor, grace and virtue. Without question, golf has played a substantial role in developing my character and intellectual ability.

This is the part that I think could be improved. "play a substantial role" is a lot of fluff with little meaning. Honor, grace, and virtue are abstractions. Let's end the essay by saying something specific about how the zanshin ... concentration... golf samhadi... say something specific about how the meditative precision of golf prepares you for meditative precision in the work you might do in college and as a professional.


Home / Writing Feedback / 'Lose your concentration, lose the game': Extracurricular Activity