chelk
Oct 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Hockey, the game and sport and my passion; PERSONAL STATEMENT [3]
This sounds like it could be an entire essay! If I were you I would create a hook. Something along the lines of When I was 15 I made Team USA Hockey(or what ever it's called.) That one sentence oversimplifies the dedication, blah, blah, blah you get what I mean. This essay is a great opportunity to show admissions that not only are you a great athlete, but you're a hard worker whose dedicated and displays leadership potential.
How ever I would change the beginning, and go from there. You pretty much have the entire thing written and it is good, I just think it could be better.
This sounds like it could be an entire essay! If I were you I would create a hook. Something along the lines of When I was 15 I made Team USA Hockey(or what ever it's called.) That one sentence oversimplifies the dedication, blah, blah, blah you get what I mean. This essay is a great opportunity to show admissions that not only are you a great athlete, but you're a hard worker whose dedicated and displays leadership potential.
How ever I would change the beginning, and go from there. You pretty much have the entire thing written and it is good, I just think it could be better.