Undergraduate / "Audacity on Wheels: Boys State Experience" Common App Essay [3]

Response to option 1 on common app, "Evaluate an experience..." I am applying Early Decision to Washington University in St. Louis, so I'm looking for a high quality level of writing. Please leave feedback, it is much appreciated :)

Audacity on Wheels

"TAAAXI! Anybody need a ride?"

The citizens of Boys State looked around, slightly confused. There were only sidewalks around, and there certainly were no little yellow cars zooming around offering them relief from their feet.

"TAAAAAAXI!" I bellowed again. "Aren't your feet tired? You know you'd like a ride! Don't be shy; jump on!"

More confused looks ensued, so I told my friend that knew of my concept to hop on my back. I carried him to the next event, advertising Haus Taxi Service with shouts along the way. My business idea spread all over campus, and soon passengers were seeking me instead. Becoming a taxi was just one outlet that Missouri Boys State offered me to flex my enterprising side and take risks. It started with my nomination as Ward One Representative, and culminated with my state office candidacy.

When I arrived at Boys State, I was nervous and unsure of what to do. I read through the information packets that the American Legion sent to me, but I still had little idea of how the complicated political programs actually worked. I knew that I wanted to make the most of the experience, and that would require me to dive straight into the process. I would have to motivate myself to take risks or end up being left behind. I wanted to be a lawyer, so I decided that I would go through the law school and become city attorney. From there, I had no idea. I had ambitions to be part of the state legislature or even to run for state office, but they were muffled by my uncertainties.

My opportunity to break through came on the first night. The political wards within our city were holding the first official meetings of the sessions, and nominations for ward representative had state-level implications. My nerves rose, and the moment I dreaded was about to hit me. I hadn't even been around these people for 4 hours, and I was already challenging myself to stand up and become a leader among them. "Not yet," I kept telling myself, "take some more time to get used to this, and then take your shot. You're not ready." I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head, but I finally just pushed them to the side. I had heard all day from the Boys State adult leaders that this was a "week to shape a lifetime" and that you have to be ready to roll from the first nomination. The last thing I wanted to do was to leave Warrensburg with regrets. So, I went for it.

The meeting ended with my unanimous nomination as our ward's representative. The achievement itself was a small one, but the fact that I had broken my cautious tendencies to take control gave me a great feeling of accomplishment. The small taste of satisfaction I had in victory made me want to push myself even harder, so I reconsidered running for state office. The thought of campaigning to the entire state would have scared me a few days before, but at this point the challenge that it presented was thrilling.

After my hopes were reinforced with victory, I became a new person at Boys State. My caged enthusiasm bled through, and I went into a full-fledged campaign for the Attorney General's office. I spent the next two days shaking hands and getting petition signatures in true political form. I met people from every city, and made a habit of sparking conversations with random citizens. In one specific encounter, a citizen found out that I was "The Haus Taxi", so I carried him to supper while campaigning; my new extrovert behaviors had earned me business and a vote. The campaigning experience showed me that I have the ability to excel in an environment where audacity is a necessity.

In the end, I didn't receive my party's nomination for Attorney General. For some reason, I couldn't be disappointed. The experience I gained in getting to know the voters refused be overshadowed in my head by an unfavorable end result. In the days leading up to Boys State, I was worried about who I would have to become to be successful on campus. I thought I would have to transform myself, become someone who I am not. However, now I realize that I didn't have to transform at all. All of the characteristics I displayed at Boys State had always been a part of me; I had just never been given the right opportunity to grow into my charismatic side. In the end, it was one of the best experiences of my life. My gargantuan frame allowed me to be a taxi; but my urge to move on past my cautious tendencies and let myself grow as an individual was what allowed me to have a "week to shape a lifetime."

Thank you!

Undergraduate / "my baseball experience" - 150 words or less on an extracurricular activity... [6]

The first time I saw a ball hurtling over the fence from my bat, I broke down and smiled. The relief and sense of accomplishment I felt were indescribable. Just a year before, I was playing benchwarmer. My body was sixty pounds heavier, and I was wondering if I would ever play in a varsity game. There I made the decision to put an end to my wondering, and used summer vacation to drop weight and train for baseball. My waist shrunk as my muscles grew, and the ball started flying farther. My first varsity game the following year I hit two home runs, and cemented a starting spot. Although I don't plan to continue playing competitively in college, my baseball experience has shaped my discipline and confidence off of the diamond, and the determination I've gained as a result of playing will help me excel as a business student.

I am applying to very selective schools, so please be harsh on my writing if needed. I want to improve. Thank you for comments!