Undergraduate / UIUC Essay 1: Academic Interests/Professional Goals - appropriate approach? [6]

tstephenson: My primary interest is biomedical engineering, and my secondary interest is linguistics. I explain why I am interested in each and how I want to pursue a career in the former and simply explore my interest in the latter.

I'm not sure that I can take your suggestions without cutting out linguistics, but I think I'll go ahead and try that and see what happens.

Weekyl: Here's the essay:

I have been convinced for rather a while that I want to be a biomedical engineer. Sometime during my middle school years, I was suddenly struck by the apparent absurdity of prosthetic limbs, artificial hearts, other technologic body parts. How could cold metal machines, associated with pollution and the destruction of our earth, be so closely connected to, actually work in synch with our bodies, part of the green, vital realm of biology? My interest was piqued. The idea of manipulating inorganic substances to operate as components of our own bodies grabbed me and has not let go. After gaining some research experience this past summer, I cannot wait to get into the classroom and the lab and start contributing to the field that I find so fascinating.

My academic interests are by no means one dimensional, however. Though I would consider myself a math and science person, I have also discovered a keen interest in linguistics. I consider grammar to be fun, love obscure words, and often find myself wondering about the origins of idiomatic phrases. Dictionary.com is one of my favorite websites! I ask myself questions about how languages came to be and how they developed their unique characteristics. Why is English so hard to rhyme? Why is Chinese tonal? These queries seem endless, and I want to find the answers. Although I do not yet know the details of my intent to study linguistics, I know that I want to explore this interest in college.

I am well aware that at some universities, interdisciplinary interaction is limited, and it is difficult to take courses outside one's major or department. Part of my attraction to Illinois is the university's rejection of that policy. I hope to begin my career in engineering or whatever other field I am led to having received a quality education that is both deep and broad, and I feel confident that I can do that at the University of Illinois.

Thanks, y'all!

Undergraduate / "I want to know whom we are" - Stanford (intellectually engaging idea) need criticism [5]

Note that I too am a '15er, however you'd like to take that.

But I actually really liked the first draft, much more than the second. I'm not sure if this difference really manifests itself upon close reading, but my first impression was that the original had more of you in it and seemed more engaging.

To be honest, the second one left me with a bad first impression. To me, it read like you habitually make negative judgments about people based on appearance. A second look changed my mind, but I would go for the best first impression possible, right? And, personally, I think the extensive description of a single girl who serves only as an example of your point rather than a particularly significant experience made your second paragraph seem more tedious in the revision.

Other than that, a few grammar and style notes:
- "Whom" should be "who," since it's predicate nominative.
- In the first draft, you say that you're fascinated twice--best avoided in such a short essay.
- I think that both essays would benefit from smoother introductions and transitions and more varied syntax.

That's all. Good luck!