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Posts by amused
Joined: Oct 30, 2010
Last Post: Oct 30, 2010
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amused   
Oct 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Ice cream essay too childish? Common App 150 Words on Work Experience. [9]

I don't think that any particular essay topic can be "too childish" because it is more or less how you write the essay that conveys if it is childish or not.

Try something more like this (114 words):

I thought that scooping ice cream would be easy, but my first week of work immediately proved otherwise. I clumsily tipped the mop bucket over, and spilled gallons of soapy water on the floor. I was embarrassed, but I didn't panic. To dry the floor, I skated around the shop floor with towels under my feet. The waiting customers were so amused by my mistake that they left me an extra large tip. My enthusiasm and antics kept customers smiling, even if they received a special "leaning tower of ice cream" cone. I ended that summer with a strong scooping arm, worn out sneakers, and knowing that when life got slippery, I would dance.
amused   
Oct 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Homeless for a night" Stanford Essay, an experience intellectually stimulates you [11]

I stood in the dinner line, my shivering hands gripping a plastic spoon and bowl inthe left, and a flimsy cup of water in the right. A single ladle of condensed chicken noodle soup poured into my bowl and Itook a white roll from the bag stamped with 99 cents in red letters.

In the next line I would avoid using the word 'suitable' because sleeping in a box isn't suitable at all. Maybe try using a different word?

When things were suitable , I unrolled my sleeping back into the brown cave and climbed in. My long legs didn't fit in the structure and as the cardboard door flaps hit my feet as I slept.

You can edit mine here:
amused   
Oct 30, 2010
Undergraduate / My First Computer (meaningful event application essay for UF) [4]

400 - 500 words
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

My eyes popped open, I jumped out of bed and ran into the living room to meticulously inspect the gifts surrounding the Christmas tree. Each present lay there, wrapped and bowed to perfection, with the exception of a massive UPS box awkwardly shoved into the back corner. That was the present that I was determined to open first and the only thing in the way of my seven year old self was the thick matte tape binding the box shut. Anxiously, I pried it open and revealed what was my first computer, an Apple iMac G3. I felt it, this present was of paramount significance and nothing would ever be able to compare to it. It instantly enthralled me with an overwhelming sense of joy and curiosity. Thereafter, I would come home every day from school to spend countless hours learning more about the stunning blue and white mass that was a monumented marvel on top of my desk. When I unboxed my first computer, I unleashed what would become my passion and drive to study computer science.

At the core of a thriving academic community are passionate, driven citizens who strive to continuously evolve and expand intellectually. The ways in which we learn must constantly advance so that we can find greater methods to address the challenges facing the world today. The nature of learning runs deep beyond any basic understanding of concepts. It lies in a student's capability to perceive a concept's significance and apply it to pertinent situations. It is what we do with our knowledge that not only makes a difference in our academic communities, but also truly innovates the world.

Furthermore, the nature of learning is challenged when a student is faced with the fear of failure. It is my philosophy that with drive and determination, I can conquer anything. I can overcome even the most rigorous challenges with the will to succeed, the determination to work past formidable obstacles, and education to evolve as an intuitive thinker. Solving complex challenges can be as simple as opening a present; you just need to dive right in and have the determination to keep ripping past the layers of wrapping. In the words of Master Yoda "a Jedi's strength flows from the Force", and it is a student's strength that flows from their drive and determination.

Evolution is at the core of learning, being a student, and a thriving academic community. It is about evolving into a more learned student and community as a whole, it is about evolving into a more connected community through knowledge, and it is about evolving as thinkers to make more intuitive solutions for the world. Just like the evolution from that little girl opening her Christmas present to the determined student that I am today, evolution is essential to grow. It is my passionate drive, love for computers and endless determination that will make me a beneficial contribution to the University of Florida's thriving community as a computer science major.
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