CaitlinC
Oct 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I wanted to help others" - show not tell, The Ohio State University Admissions Essay [4]
I'm applying to OSU and my teacher told me I need to "show" in the essay and not "tell" so here is my effort at that, please tell me what you think, I really appreciate it.
Why are you interested in attending the Ohio State University?
Imagine when you were a child every few months counting down to a different surgery. Imagine the immense pain after each one and the longing for it to get better. That's what my childhood was like. The surgery I remember most was the nissen fundoplication I had for my pharyngeal flap. After I woke up and the nurse started wheeling me to my room, every bump they hit put me in excruciating pain. The worst part though was when they would want me to sit up a little bit to try to eat, the pain in my stomach was unimaginable. By the 2nd grade, I could no longer move my right hip and had to have screws put in at the age of 15. Ever since I was young though, I always wanted to repay all the help I was given by Children's Hospital and the Ohio State residents that helped me. I remember the residents always being so nice and understanding-sometimes more than the doctors and nurses. They always brightened my day and made my operations more bearable. I realized when I was younger that I wanted to help others like they had helped me and hopefully repay the debt I felt I owed them. I feel that going to The Ohio State University would help me achieve that.
I'm applying to OSU and my teacher told me I need to "show" in the essay and not "tell" so here is my effort at that, please tell me what you think, I really appreciate it.
Why are you interested in attending the Ohio State University?
Imagine when you were a child every few months counting down to a different surgery. Imagine the immense pain after each one and the longing for it to get better. That's what my childhood was like. The surgery I remember most was the nissen fundoplication I had for my pharyngeal flap. After I woke up and the nurse started wheeling me to my room, every bump they hit put me in excruciating pain. The worst part though was when they would want me to sit up a little bit to try to eat, the pain in my stomach was unimaginable. By the 2nd grade, I could no longer move my right hip and had to have screws put in at the age of 15. Ever since I was young though, I always wanted to repay all the help I was given by Children's Hospital and the Ohio State residents that helped me. I remember the residents always being so nice and understanding-sometimes more than the doctors and nurses. They always brightened my day and made my operations more bearable. I realized when I was younger that I wanted to help others like they had helped me and hopefully repay the debt I felt I owed them. I feel that going to The Ohio State University would help me achieve that.