Undergraduate / Man in the Arena - UC Prompt #2 [3]

Hi, I would appreciate any input or criticism for my essay. I chose to wrote about my experience in joining the football team. Also, I was wondering if it fully answers the prompt. Thanks!

Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

It was the summer of 2007, and I was preparing to enter high school for the first time. Growing up, I would be the first in my immediate family to enroll in high school in the U.S. Naturally, I did not know what to expect, let alone what my dreams and aspirations were. As the first day of school was fast approaching, my friends confronted me with an idea; they wanted to participate in the junior varsity football team and compelled me to do the same.

Although I had no prior experience, I went ahead and joined the team. At the time, I was a lanky 5' 10" and 140 pounds; not exactly what you would call a physical specimen. During the grueling practices, I was battered and bruised, nearly to a pulp. However, I did not withdraw from the daily humiliation of coming home with dark discolorations on my skin. As time progressed, I started to discern more about the team aspect of the sport. In turn, I began to take on a more direct leadership role of energizing the team. During our first homecoming game, we were down by a touchdown in the second quarter. On top of that, one of the star players on the team sustained a season-ending injury. My team became disheartened and they began to put their heads down. Not wanting to accept defeat, I gathered them into a huddle in the locker room during halftime and told them that we could not let one setback deter us from our goal, to win. I cheered them on to get back on the field with a desire to win. Of course, I was the most rambunctious and animated person on the sidelines and we ended up winning that game. However, as it turned out, by the end of the season I had not attained a single minute of playing time in any of our games.

At the end of the season, I had the option to just view my experience as just a short stint in athletics. Instead, just two months after the season had concluded, I started pumping iron in the weight room. At the same time, I started to discover that many topics that were touched upon in science classes in school could be applied to my training. Like a sudden epiphany, I realized that the physical and biological sciences had many real world applications. The perseverance in my determination for football began to cross over into my academic life. It became apparent to me that I also had to challenge myself academically instead of simply cruising through high school; the same logic that I used in the weight room. I grinded through the workload of my first AP class when it began. However, using the same drive and persistence that I had discovered within myself from earlier, I earned an "A" in the class and a "5" on the AP test. At the same time, my second season of football had begun. With all my perpetual preparation, I had launched myself into becoming a two-way starter for the team. This time around, I hardly ever left the field.

The season was highly successful, and during the award ceremony, I received an All-League award. All those countless hours spent in preparation finally reaped their reward. During the same year I performed superb academically. Even though I may not have earned a perfect 2400 on the SAT or an over-the-top GPA, my heart and desire to succeed is infallible. From my years of playing football, continuing on to varsity, the most enduring lesson that I have learned is that relentless effort can truly take you to where you want to be in life.

Undergraduate / "father-to-son relationship with my father" - U.C. Prompt #1 [3]

Hi, I would greatly appreciate and input/criticism into my essay. I am afraid my prompt may be too cliche. What do you think?

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Starting from when I was young, I never had the kind of playing catch in the park father-to-son relationship with my father. To this day, my papa, as I call him, still vividly remembers a time when he came back to visit my mother and I in India. I was about two or three years old at the time and my dad had moved...

After edits:

I have not come from a world of great adversity, calamities, or affliction. However, the experiences that I have had gave me direction, although I might not have known it at the time. At five years old, my mother and I immigrated to the United States from India. We came to join my father, who had already been living here and working arduously to accumulate savings so that we could live together. Just a few months after we had arrived, my younger brother, Pavit, was born. With the new duty of having to support two children, both of my parents took on strenuous jobs with seemingly endless work hours. Due to this, my brother and I did not have much of a normal upbringing by our parents. Our grandparents assumed most of the obligation of taking care of us. However, they were aging and becoming decrepit. This meant that I soon had to take over the daily chores of raising my younger brother.

By the time I was in middle school, I had to bear the full commitment of caring for my 8-year-old brother. I can still recall the early mornings where I was awakened by the buzz of my alarm clock so that I could prepare not only myself for school, but also my brother. First, I would prepare his attire for that day and lay it out for him on his bed and then continue on to packing his lunch. After this daily ritual, we would depart as he would walk to school. However, my day did not end at that. When we returned from school, I would continue to feed and assist him until my mother arrived from work. Nevertheless, I did not view it as a nuisance. Instead, I took pride of nurturing my younger brother. The whole while, my parents appreciated the effort on my part and reminded me that one day my contributions would enable me to be successful.

Despite the fact that my parents reminded me of that, I never really considered where I would flourish. It was only in High School that I first became intrigued by science. I was more fascinated by its practical applications and I decided that I wanted to pursue a career in the medical field. My ultimate ambition would be to become a doctor; not only just a doctor, but an inclination towards pediatrics to be specific. My experience with nurturing and loving my brother into the young man that he has become today has encouraged me to better the lives of other young children as well.