Hi, I would appreciate any input or criticism for my essay. I chose to wrote about my experience in joining the football team. Also, I was wondering if it fully answers the prompt. Thanks!
Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
It was the summer of 2007, and I was preparing to enter high school for the first time. Growing up, I would be the first in my immediate family to enroll in high school in the U.S. Naturally, I did not know what to expect, let alone what my dreams and aspirations were. As the first day of school was fast approaching, my friends confronted me with an idea; they wanted to participate in the junior varsity football team and compelled me to do the same.
Although I had no prior experience, I went ahead and joined the team. At the time, I was a lanky 5' 10" and 140 pounds; not exactly what you would call a physical specimen. During the grueling practices, I was battered and bruised, nearly to a pulp. However, I did not withdraw from the daily humiliation of coming home with dark discolorations on my skin. As time progressed, I started to discern more about the team aspect of the sport. In turn, I began to take on a more direct leadership role of energizing the team. During our first homecoming game, we were down by a touchdown in the second quarter. On top of that, one of the star players on the team sustained a season-ending injury. My team became disheartened and they began to put their heads down. Not wanting to accept defeat, I gathered them into a huddle in the locker room during halftime and told them that we could not let one setback deter us from our goal, to win. I cheered them on to get back on the field with a desire to win. Of course, I was the most rambunctious and animated person on the sidelines and we ended up winning that game. However, as it turned out, by the end of the season I had not attained a single minute of playing time in any of our games.
At the end of the season, I had the option to just view my experience as just a short stint in athletics. Instead, just two months after the season had concluded, I started pumping iron in the weight room. At the same time, I started to discover that many topics that were touched upon in science classes in school could be applied to my training. Like a sudden epiphany, I realized that the physical and biological sciences had many real world applications. The perseverance in my determination for football began to cross over into my academic life. It became apparent to me that I also had to challenge myself academically instead of simply cruising through high school; the same logic that I used in the weight room. I grinded through the workload of my first AP class when it began. However, using the same drive and persistence that I had discovered within myself from earlier, I earned an "A" in the class and a "5" on the AP test. At the same time, my second season of football had begun. With all my perpetual preparation, I had launched myself into becoming a two-way starter for the team. This time around, I hardly ever left the field.
The season was highly successful, and during the award ceremony, I received an All-League award. All those countless hours spent in preparation finally reaped their reward. During the same year I performed superb academically. Even though I may not have earned a perfect 2400 on the SAT or an over-the-top GPA, my heart and desire to succeed is infallible. From my years of playing football, continuing on to varsity, the most enduring lesson that I have learned is that relentless effort can truly take you to where you want to be in life.
"pumping iron" is bad diction; use something more academic.
I like the sentence about not having a minute of playing time; I think you need to elaborate on it. You know, like how you found ways to make a difference without taking center stage or a direct role.
I think the last few paragraphs should be less fact based and more centered around the prompt. Like what about the football made you proud? What off the field skills or values did it give you? How did YOU change not necessarily your academic prowess.
"let alone what my dreams and aspirations were."
everyone has dreams and aspirations, it makes you sound clueless not even knowing what you wanted to do. I realize you said this before you entered high school, but even as a kid we have dreams idk i would it, it's up to you
