Scholarship / "I responded to the opportunity" - background, goals and why to get a scholarship [2]

Hello,

I found this interesting and helpful site when exploring the web, and I hope you can help me to polish my Personal Statement. I'm kind of shy and I think that my accomplishments would somehow help me to enhance my poor employment history when applying for entry-level jobs, so, even though I don't find it extremely necessary to get financial assistance to pay my tuition, I think that it wouldn't hurt to have some scholarships in my records. That is why I'm applying to some of my school's scholarships, many of which ask the student to demostrate financial need while being in good academic standing. I started writing this rough essay, but I'm still unsure if that fits well. I don't find it convincing enough...maybe some inconsistencies? So, I would greatly appreciate any advice. Be harsh if necessary; I'm open to any suggestion. Thank you.

"Please write a personal statement, which describes your background, education and career goals. Also, please explain why you should be considered for this scholarship and how receiving this scholarship will help you to achieve your goals. (Minimum 250 words.)":

By a quirk of fate, I got where I am now. Back in my country, I had finished my high school, and I really could not visualize a promising future. My family was struggling financially, and my possibilities to start higher education were few to none. There were only two possibilities to get into a university: to pay a monthly rate I could not afford or be qualified to get a loan for or pass a super complicated entrance exam to which my public education background did not prepare me for. Given my circumstances, I started losing motivation; I felt discouraged from pursuing an education that would allow me to learn, grow and be challenged. Time passed, and, for the sake of giving it a shot, my mother filled out an application to the USA lottery visas when someone suggested that it could be a chance to embrace new opportunities. We really had not imagined what would come next. One day we received an email from the USA embassy. My mother opened the package, and, surprise! We had won the visa lottery! Months later, after having finished all the necessary paperwork, we took a flight heading to the USA. It was the first step taken to pursue my dreams.

I had no idea what was coming; I just knew I had to work hard and try to take advantage of the opportunities that might arise. One of those opportunities showed up when I was working in a fast food restaurant-my first job. My manager commented about how FAFSA enabled students undergoing financial issues to get an education. I had not heard about it before, but when I learned that I could get an education in spite of my financial problems, hope appeared on the horizon. Before applying to FAFSA, I wanted to make sure I was making the right choices, so I researched colleges and chose ABCD.

I wanted to graduate from a school that provide me a solid education while allowing me to save some money to get into a four-year institution after that. ABCD did not only offer that but also seemed to be a great starting point to begin my career; it seemed to have a solid reputation and a mixture of students that would enable me to interact with people from many different backgrounds. Now, I can say this institution has not only proven my assumptions were correct but has also given me the opportunity to meet wonderful instructors who are highly committed to their work and are always willing to help their students and the pleasure to meet a variety of classmates who, with their stories and input to my own experiences, have contributed to my growth as a person and as a student.

ABCD changed my life; now I can proudly say that in response to the opportunity given, my hard work has driven me to get a 3.8 GPA, be a member of the Phi Theta Kappa Honors Society, and be in the Dean's List. The guidance I received at this college also led me to choose accounting as my major; although I had already chosen it when I first registered for classes, ABCD made me realize it was exactly want I wanted in my life. I am determined to pursue a career as an accountant because I discovered how much I enjoy crunching numbers and that accounting is the language of business. I even had to quit my job to continue my studies because my employer asked me to devote more time to my position. I realized, however, that if I want to succeed in life, I should dedicate that time to follow my dreams even if that takes some money out of my pockets. As time passed, however, I have noticed that pursuing an education when unemployed is not that easy. Nevertheless, I have come to the conclusion that there is no obstacle big enough to get in the way of my dreams coming true, so getting scholarships that encourage me to continue doing a hard work would be very beneficial to my progress as a ABCDan. It would allow me to continue focusing on my studies so that I would graduate in 2011 with a good academic standing, with which I will be able to successfully transfer to EFGH that is where I plan to continue my studies.