thadmoore
Dec 9, 2010
Undergraduate / UVa - "All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands" [3]
Great! Thanks for the suggestions!
Great! Thanks for the suggestions!
thadmoore
Dec 9, 2010
Essays / "The High Price of Materialism" - Introduction Help [4]
A few suggestions:
-It might be more effective if you begin the essay with a direct quotation from Kasser's article to draw readers in right off the bat.
-I've also made a few changes to avoid awkward wording. I'd use these only as suggestions and jumping-off points; take them with a grain of salt.
Material objects shouldn't be the central interest in a person's life, as Tim Kasser explains in his article "The High Price of Materialism". Materialism damages relationships and shouldn't be the basis of creating new ones. The pursuit of material goods can cause depression, anxiety and health problems as a result of the effort exerted in acquiring them. Materials don't guarantee happiness, however, despite false portrayals in the media. Materialism prevents people from living fulfilling lives because their main concern ison earning material goods instead of valuing their relationships and well-beings.
Best of luck with your paper!
A few suggestions:
-It might be more effective if you begin the essay with a direct quotation from Kasser's article to draw readers in right off the bat.
-I've also made a few changes to avoid awkward wording. I'd use these only as suggestions and jumping-off points; take them with a grain of salt.
Material objects shouldn't be the central interest in a person's life, as Tim Kasser explains in his article "The High Price of Materialism". Materialism damages relationships and shouldn't be the basis of creating new ones. The pursuit of material goods can cause depression, anxiety and health problems as a result of the effort exerted in acquiring them. Materials don't guarantee happiness, however, despite false portrayals in the media. Materialism prevents people from living fulfilling lives because their main concern is
Best of luck with your paper!
thadmoore
Dec 9, 2010
Undergraduate / UVa - "All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands" [3]
Hi there! I'm looking for a fresh set of eyes to look over this essay, written for UVA's Common App Supplement. Thanks for your help!
Prompt: What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?
Essay:
Pop musicians, on the whole, are faced with a unique dilemma: they strive to represent their true identities and stretch the bounds of cultural norms, but they must do so without crossing too far outside the realm of social acceptability and mass market appeal. In so doing, they create a group identity that ultimately proves superficial, often sharing their feelings through the lens of a perceived cultural ideal. Nonetheless, there's a comfort in that collective identity, one to which I was drawn throughout my middle school years.
This all changed when I stumbled upon Sufjan Stevens's "All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands." The song immediately distinguishes itself from most pop music, opening with a distinctively light, folksy banjo and soft, airy vocals that create a raw and mysterious tone through which Stevens interprets a Biblical verse. Stevens presents his personal connection to this story unabashedly, ignoring his work's place within the cultural ideal, baring deeply personal thoughts in their most organic form, an attribute uncommon throughout popular culture.
Stevens's work struck me immediately for its raw authenticity and willingness to push aside societal expectations. The song pushed me to consider music - and all of art - on a much deeper, more personal level and to develop a more intimate connection with them both. Beyond that, however, it encouraged me to develop my own unique identity rather than settle for something less and to express myself on my own terms, goals I continue to strive toward today.
Hi there! I'm looking for a fresh set of eyes to look over this essay, written for UVA's Common App Supplement. Thanks for your help!
Prompt: What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?
Essay:
Pop musicians, on the whole, are faced with a unique dilemma: they strive to represent their true identities and stretch the bounds of cultural norms, but they must do so without crossing too far outside the realm of social acceptability and mass market appeal. In so doing, they create a group identity that ultimately proves superficial, often sharing their feelings through the lens of a perceived cultural ideal. Nonetheless, there's a comfort in that collective identity, one to which I was drawn throughout my middle school years.
This all changed when I stumbled upon Sufjan Stevens's "All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands." The song immediately distinguishes itself from most pop music, opening with a distinctively light, folksy banjo and soft, airy vocals that create a raw and mysterious tone through which Stevens interprets a Biblical verse. Stevens presents his personal connection to this story unabashedly, ignoring his work's place within the cultural ideal, baring deeply personal thoughts in their most organic form, an attribute uncommon throughout popular culture.
Stevens's work struck me immediately for its raw authenticity and willingness to push aside societal expectations. The song pushed me to consider music - and all of art - on a much deeper, more personal level and to develop a more intimate connection with them both. Beyond that, however, it encouraged me to develop my own unique identity rather than settle for something less and to express myself on my own terms, goals I continue to strive toward today.
