Posts by blehhhblooo

blehhhblooo

Mar 1, 2011

Undergraduate / Would the theme of my personal statement(sometime in the future) be inappropriate? [4]

I completely agree with the post above. Don't just talk about your depression, but talk about how it has shaped who you are today. Since the topic of depression doesn't seem to original, no offense, make your essay about it stand out! There are certainly ways to make an average topic into and amazing essay! Good luck! :)

blehhhblooo

Mar 1, 2011

Scholarship / My Plan After High School (to be a nurse) [5]

In general, it's a decent rough draft I would say. I would work on better transitions between sentences, the flow is a little off. For the last paragraph, how do you know you can be a nurse? It's not an easy job, I'm working as a nursing aid and even that can be tough at times. Explain what makes you qualified to be a good nurse. Also the sentence, "I love kids it would be a joy to work with cancer or sick patients" is really insensitive. I know you probably mean the best, but cancer and illness is never a "joy", these people may be dying. You shouldn't enjoy that.

Hello, my name is Ellesse Jones I am 17 years old. I am currently going to Fontana High school. I am involved in volleyball, I love it, and I will be playing in college at Mt.Sac for one year and transferring to La Sierra UV . The people who inspired me would be my parents, my sisters, my grandmother, and my coaches. To start off my parents are very supportive in any and everything that I do. If it's something that they know I can do it but I think I can't, they push me to my fullest to do it, an example would my Exit Exam (what is an exit exam? explain!) . I had a lot of trouble trying to pass the math part. All I can hear my parents saying is "You can do it, I believe in you". With my parents giving me that support that I needed I passed it! It was a joy to have that lifted off my shoulders.

I look up to my sisters very much, due to the fact that they are very strong women. (see how much just changing the wording can make a difference?) I am the youngest out of four children and I saw the struggles and mistakes they went through to be successful as they are today. They tell me that they know I can make it in college and keep going just like they did. I couldn't ask for any other sisters in the world. They support me in everything that I do and push me. There are times when I use to get mad that they would push me but I see it's because they love me. All three of my sisters believe in me and that gives me the courage I need and I'm very thankful to have them in my life.

My grandmother is the best grandma anyone can ever have. She is the reason why I am pushing myself, to make her proud just like she was with my sisters and still is. My grandmother is always supporting me in my sports that I do coming to all my games, cheering for me and making her proud. If we lost a game she still says we are winners no matter what. She is always there when I need to talk to her about anything. I know when there are days that I'm down whether it's because I lost a game or about school, or life in generally but, by the time I'm done talking to her about the problem she puts that smile right back on my face.

The two best coaches in the world would be my volleyball coaches Gomez and Smith. I don't know what I would do without them. They are the best coaches that I ever had. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be a strong athlete like they taught me to be. There would be days were I did not want to do certain drills or anything hard and they would make me and push me to my fullest. They have truly been helpful throughout my years playing volleyball at Fontana high school. They believed in me and gave me the support that I needed on and off the court. I am truly blessed to have coaches like them.

My plan after high school is to study to be a nurse and I know I can do it. I would like to be working with the pediatrics younger kids. I love kids it would be a joy to work with cancer or sick patients. Also I am determined to finish my first year at Mt.Sac and will transfer to La Sierra University and continue my next years on playing volleyball. I know I can do it with all the supporters I have. I have faith in myself that I can accomplish anything if I put my mind to.

blehhhblooo

Dec 14, 2010

Undergraduate / The Feeling of Murder, Living with James - University of Washington [4]

Hello everyone! Below is my admissions essay to UW for the prompt:Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.

I would love criticism on how to improve sentence variety, flow, ideas, vocab, etc. Any idea you have on what you believe would make this essay better is welcome :)

My feelings that day were equivalent to abandoning a best friend in the middle of the Sahara. He was utterly helpless, and nothing I could do would fix that. The person in question was my foster brother, James. The likelihood that I will ever speak to him again is low, but he has influenced me more than anyone else ever will.

James was my brother's first best friend, and would always ride the bus home with us in a futile attempt to avoid his aunt. Although my brother and James were almost inseparable, they did argue frequently considering their stubbornness. After these constant bouts, James would vent to me. One day he told me all about his parents. His father was currently in jail, while his unemployed mother lived a couple hours away with his four half-siblings. Because of his parents, James had been living on the streets before his aunt agreed to take him in. His childhood was heartbreaking, and I immediately gained respect for how strong he was. My problems were now trivial. James helped me to realize just how fortunate my life is.

When his aunt lost custody of him, my family stepped in. We aspired to legally adopt James, but we were only able to take him in as a foster child. He adapted to our home with ease, and I connected to him in a way I never could have with my blood brother. The two of us would sit in my room and talk for hours about life, people, and the future. Then his persona changed entirely. My poor father had to endure countless meetings involving his truancy. Because of his absences, we were deemed unfit to keep him; regardless of the fact that he was fed, clothed, safe, and loved in our home. Custody now belonged to his birth mother.

I remember that last drive down to the slums of Olympia vividly, it was the last day I ever saw James. When we pulled into the deteriorating house's driveway, his mother was already outside. She beckoned us to follow her to the top level of the house. I noticed the dust and grime caked onto the floor. James' older sister was feeding her mother's baby as she sat on a couch crammed beside the kitchen. This was where we were leaving my best friend, my little brother. His mother broke down into sobs once the door closed. She was remarkably grateful that we had kept him safe and promised she would do the same.

Months later my brother finally contacted James. He had just been released from juvenile detention and was living on the streets with his friends. His own mother, the person whom the court decided was a better suited caregiver than my family, had forbidden James to live in her home anymore. My immediate reaction was rage. I could not believe she would give her own child a death sentence by making him live on the street. Once I calmed down I realized it wasn't entirely her fault. His childhood influenced his recent decisions. He was simply going back to what he knew.

Living with James for those few months taught me that I do have the ability to influence people. It may be too late for my brother, but there are plenty of children that will suffer the same fate if no one steps in. Volunteering at Housing Hope is just what I needed to make a difference. Before meeting James I never thought I would be able to change anyone's life, but seeing the children at Housing Hope grow is proof that I am. Because of James, I now recognize myself as a true leader.