twoskinnydudes
Dec 29, 2010
twoskinnydudes
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / The October Preformance--Common App essay [3]
I'm not sure if you are intentionally foregoing this, but normally in a narrative after someone speaks, the paragraph ends if another speaker responds. Just something I noticed.
I'm not sure if you are intentionally foregoing this, but normally in a narrative after someone speaks, the paragraph ends if another speaker responds. Just something I noticed.
twoskinnydudes
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Follow the Leader" - Need help on Common App Essay [4]
Hey, I'd really appreciate it if someone could look over my essay. The bold sentence in particular I'm unsure about structurally. Thanks a lot.
Follow the Leader
There was no crash. There was no boom. There really is no onomatopoeia to describe the pitiful sound that my car made when I slid off the road into the woods. Then again, the whole incident was pitiful, so I guess the lack of a powerful description is fitting.
Last October, I was hanging out with some friends without much to do. One of them suggested we play "follow the leader." I hesitated, seeing as I had just received my license a month beforehand, but no one else could drive yet so I agreed. We flipped a coin to decide on our starting positions for the game. Appropriately, I was the follower. Finally, we piled into a couple of cars and began the game: children playing with grownup toys.
The roads were still wet from rainfall a few hours earlier, and the night was dark and hazy. Speeding down the back roads of Mountain Lakes, it was inevitable that something would go wrong. It happened suddenly. I was trying to make up ground on the leader, but I entered the turn going too fast. In Driver's Ed, my teacher taught our class a bunch of isolated facts about driving. I thought that we were just learning this irrelevant trivia so we could pass the written test. Well, it turns out that the dangers of hydroplaning are not as irrelevant as I had thought. My tires lost their grip on the slick surface, and I skidded off the road into the woods.
Thankfully, no one was hurt. In fact, there was no visible damage to the car. However, my friends and I could not push it out of the woods; the underside was stuck on top of a rock. I had to call my dad to help tow the car out, and explaining what happened was not a fun experience. Needless to say, my punishment was severe.
As a student, I have constantly listened to my teachers rant on about peer pressure, but I never really believed that it could affect me. Well, despite my immunity, peer pressure obviously led to my poor judgement on that night. I could have been a leader by setting a better example, but I chose to follow along with my friends and their game, even though I was the one who had something to lose.
Though the accident was an absolutely miserable experience, I like to believe that I took something out of it. Since then I have been a bit more responsible, especially when behind the wheel. More importantly, I have been a more active leader among my friends and in society as a whole.
Hey, I'd really appreciate it if someone could look over my essay. The bold sentence in particular I'm unsure about structurally. Thanks a lot.
Follow the Leader
There was no crash. There was no boom. There really is no onomatopoeia to describe the pitiful sound that my car made when I slid off the road into the woods. Then again, the whole incident was pitiful, so I guess the lack of a powerful description is fitting.
Last October, I was hanging out with some friends without much to do. One of them suggested we play "follow the leader." I hesitated, seeing as I had just received my license a month beforehand, but no one else could drive yet so I agreed. We flipped a coin to decide on our starting positions for the game. Appropriately, I was the follower. Finally, we piled into a couple of cars and began the game: children playing with grownup toys.
The roads were still wet from rainfall a few hours earlier, and the night was dark and hazy. Speeding down the back roads of Mountain Lakes, it was inevitable that something would go wrong. It happened suddenly. I was trying to make up ground on the leader, but I entered the turn going too fast. In Driver's Ed, my teacher taught our class a bunch of isolated facts about driving. I thought that we were just learning this irrelevant trivia so we could pass the written test. Well, it turns out that the dangers of hydroplaning are not as irrelevant as I had thought. My tires lost their grip on the slick surface, and I skidded off the road into the woods.
Thankfully, no one was hurt. In fact, there was no visible damage to the car. However, my friends and I could not push it out of the woods; the underside was stuck on top of a rock. I had to call my dad to help tow the car out, and explaining what happened was not a fun experience. Needless to say, my punishment was severe.
As a student, I have constantly listened to my teachers rant on about peer pressure, but I never really believed that it could affect me. Well, despite my immunity, peer pressure obviously led to my poor judgement on that night. I could have been a leader by setting a better example, but I chose to follow along with my friends and their game, even though I was the one who had something to lose.
Though the accident was an absolutely miserable experience, I like to believe that I took something out of it. Since then I have been a bit more responsible, especially when behind the wheel. More importantly, I have been a more active leader among my friends and in society as a whole.
