I laughed my way through the whole thing, it's very personal and exactly the sort of bio i would want to read for someone who was going to be my roommate. One question. Could you apply to Columbia and room with me?
Dont worry about talking about location, they know they are in new york, They know the campus is beautiful. It's like walking up to a gorgeous model and complementing her looks, she knows. The first paragraph is a little bizarre. But I can understand your interest. Talk more about you and less about them. Good idea, definately attention grabbing!
I think you focus too much on the location in the beginning. It's like trying to strike up a conversation with a talented actor, the know they are talented, they want to know what you have to offer them. Simalarly, columbia knows it is in New York it knows the Campus is gorgeous. What it doesn't know is you.
ⓘ Need Writing or Editing Help?
✖
Fill out one of these forms for professional help:
