aek200
Feb 1, 2011
Graduate / the lives of patients - Speech Language Pathology Personal Statement [7]
thanks for your help!
thanks for your help!
aek200
Feb 1, 2011
Writing Feedback / Life is contain ups an downs. Some people get success in their life but some are unlucky [8]
well I am "foreign" too, so I didn't think it would be offensive. My first language is Spanish. Knowing another language is not something to be ashamed of and I don't appreciate being made to look ignorant.
well I am "foreign" too, so I didn't think it would be offensive. My first language is Spanish. Knowing another language is not something to be ashamed of and I don't appreciate being made to look ignorant.
aek200
Jan 25, 2011
Writing Feedback / Life is contain ups an downs. Some people get success in their life but some are unlucky [8]
are you foreign? It sounds like you have an odd take on the English language. If so, then just have someone edit the wording. If not, it needs a lot of work
For example, ""In my life I have seen many people who get success and failure, but who get success because of their hard work." --
"I have learned that the difference between those that see success and those that meet failure is their familiarity with hard work" or something
I believe intelligence has nothing to with success. An intelligent person without a work ethic like a wrestler without an opponent. In life, success will only come freely to the few. For the rest of us, we must work harder than we ever have in order to be more successful than we ever imagined" etc.. i dont really know what you want to say, but I don't know. Your grammar and structure is just too terrible. what are you applying for?
are you foreign? It sounds like you have an odd take on the English language. If so, then just have someone edit the wording. If not, it needs a lot of work
For example, ""In my life I have seen many people who get success and failure, but who get success because of their hard work." --
"I have learned that the difference between those that see success and those that meet failure is their familiarity with hard work" or something
I believe intelligence has nothing to with success. An intelligent person without a work ethic like a wrestler without an opponent. In life, success will only come freely to the few. For the rest of us, we must work harder than we ever have in order to be more successful than we ever imagined" etc.. i dont really know what you want to say, but I don't know. Your grammar and structure is just too terrible. what are you applying for?
aek200
Jan 25, 2011
Undergraduate / Ryerson Personal Essay 2011 - as the Beatles would say "Help!" [3]
I would accept you in a second! You can really tell you're passionate by your conversational and day-dream like writing style. It sounded like I was having an interesting conversation with you about something you love. It was very sincere. Good Job!
I would accept you in a second! You can really tell you're passionate by your conversational and day-dream like writing style. It sounded like I was having an interesting conversation with you about something you love. It was very sincere. Good Job!
aek200
Jan 25, 2011
Writing Feedback / my dad teaches me and has a big influence on me [5]
My dad, naturally, has always been an influence in my life. Always keeping his eye on me when I was a student, he seemed to make it a mission to show me how to be successful in my life. He kept his eye on me throughout my studies, sitting next to me late at night to talk me through the tough points in my life. He gave me instructions in my study and never failed stay by my side. In brief, he has encourage me to be something in the future. For instance, I still remember when my dad bought me a laptop when I had a research project due for my history teacher. I owe most of my success, passion, and I suppose a laptop, to my father.
I don't really think there's a strong point here, but if you must, here is a better way to put it? I don't understand why you're putting the laptop thing in there...it's not really strong and doesn't say much- many fathers get their kids computers and it shouldn't be why he's influenced you. Try to think of some small anecdote where he has taught you a life lesson or helped you through a hard time.
good luck, alex
My dad, naturally, has always been an influence in my life. Always keeping his eye on me when I was a student, he seemed to make it a mission to show me how to be successful in my life. He kept his eye on me throughout my studies, sitting next to me late at night to talk me through the tough points in my life. He gave me instructions in my study and never failed stay by my side. In brief, he has encourage me to be something in the future. For instance, I still remember when my dad bought me a laptop when I had a research project due for my history teacher. I owe most of my success, passion, and I suppose a laptop, to my father.
I don't really think there's a strong point here, but if you must, here is a better way to put it? I don't understand why you're putting the laptop thing in there...it's not really strong and doesn't say much- many fathers get their kids computers and it shouldn't be why he's influenced you. Try to think of some small anecdote where he has taught you a life lesson or helped you through a hard time.
good luck, alex
aek200
Jan 18, 2011
Undergraduate / "track and field" - Georgetown - Important Extracurricular Short Essay [4]
I dont think you need to state that "One activity that.." The people reading your essays are going to have about 302304820394 essays that start this way. You need to grab the reader with something more original. I also think your conclusion needs a little work
the "I noticed I was no longer as unhappy as I previously felt." makes you sound a little unstable.. maybe instead of saying you weren't "as unhappy" say how it energized you and made you feel better than you ever have before etc... stay positive especially in the end of essays. "Being on the track team has been so important to me because it "cured" me of my depression, boosted my self-esteem, and made me feel like I belonged to something greater than myself." - I don't like the "cure" of depression part
I dont think you need to state that "One activity that.." The people reading your essays are going to have about 302304820394 essays that start this way. You need to grab the reader with something more original. I also think your conclusion needs a little work
the "I noticed I was no longer as unhappy as I previously felt." makes you sound a little unstable.. maybe instead of saying you weren't "as unhappy" say how it energized you and made you feel better than you ever have before etc... stay positive especially in the end of essays. "Being on the track team has been so important to me because it "cured" me of my depression, boosted my self-esteem, and made me feel like I belonged to something greater than myself." - I don't like the "cure" of depression part
aek200
Jan 13, 2011
Graduate / the lives of patients - Speech Language Pathology Personal Statement [7]
If anyone else could PLEASEEE give me some criticisms of the essay, grammatical corrections, flow ideas, it would be GREATLY appreciated. It's due on Saturday and I really think it needs a lot of work
If anyone else could PLEASEEE give me some criticisms of the essay, grammatical corrections, flow ideas, it would be GREATLY appreciated. It's due on Saturday and I really think it needs a lot of work
aek200
Jan 13, 2011
Graduate / the lives of patients - Speech Language Pathology Personal Statement [7]
Thank you so much!! I'm still convinced it needs a lot of help though :(
It's nice to hear your kind words though.
p.s. I agree with you about the conclusion choice
Thank you so much!! I'm still convinced it needs a lot of help though :(
It's nice to hear your kind words though.
p.s. I agree with you about the conclusion choice
aek200
Jan 13, 2011
Graduate / the lives of patients - Speech Language Pathology Personal Statement [7]
I need help! What do you guys think of this personal statement for Speech Pathology? It's still pretty rough but its due in 2 days.
Do you remember the first time you met someone who couldn't express himself? The first time I did, I think it's what changed my life.
During a clinical observation in my first language disorders course, I met Jenny, a twenty year old girl with TBI. Following a car accident, she suffered from cognitive and communication deficits and difficulties with executive functioning. I remember the SLP asking her to describe in detail how to make a sandwich. Jenny managed to talk about going to the kitchen and opening the refrigerator, but she couldn't remember or explain what to do next. She had lost the simplest of communication skills. I felt for Jenny and found myself fascinated with her issues. I also was impressed with the hope the therapist gave Jenny. It made me realize that this was the type of impact I wanted to have on someone's life.
With this focus, I found academic success in my prerequisite courses and sought to learn more beyond the classroom. I observed SLPs and audiologists at the North Shore/LIJ Hearing and Speech Center, where I witnessed different therapies, modified barium swallows, and laryngeal stroboscopies. In addition, while assisting Lynn Spivak, Ph.D., the director of the center, I interviewed parents of infants who failed their hearing screenings but did not receive follow-up for hearing aids. Here, I learned of the fears faced by parents whose children are born with hearing problems.
Eager to explore other types of therapies, I applied for a teacher assistant position at the Brookville Center for Children's Services where, among other things, I perform ABA therapy in a classroom of children with severe autism.
These experiences have strengthened my resolve to become an SLP. I have the motivation and passion that, with the knowledge from a master's degree at Queens College, will allow me to impact the lives of those in need.
alternative conclusion:
These experiences have left no question or doubt in my mind as to what I want to do professionally. I seek more challenge and growth at ----- College, where my insight into the clinical field, research experience, patience, and optimism is valued. I have the interest and the skills to effectively deliver speech and language therapy, and I would welcome the opportunity to earn my Master of Science degree in Speech and Language Pathology at ------ College.
I need help! What do you guys think of this personal statement for Speech Pathology? It's still pretty rough but its due in 2 days.
Do you remember the first time you met someone who couldn't express himself? The first time I did, I think it's what changed my life.
During a clinical observation in my first language disorders course, I met Jenny, a twenty year old girl with TBI. Following a car accident, she suffered from cognitive and communication deficits and difficulties with executive functioning. I remember the SLP asking her to describe in detail how to make a sandwich. Jenny managed to talk about going to the kitchen and opening the refrigerator, but she couldn't remember or explain what to do next. She had lost the simplest of communication skills. I felt for Jenny and found myself fascinated with her issues. I also was impressed with the hope the therapist gave Jenny. It made me realize that this was the type of impact I wanted to have on someone's life.
With this focus, I found academic success in my prerequisite courses and sought to learn more beyond the classroom. I observed SLPs and audiologists at the North Shore/LIJ Hearing and Speech Center, where I witnessed different therapies, modified barium swallows, and laryngeal stroboscopies. In addition, while assisting Lynn Spivak, Ph.D., the director of the center, I interviewed parents of infants who failed their hearing screenings but did not receive follow-up for hearing aids. Here, I learned of the fears faced by parents whose children are born with hearing problems.
Eager to explore other types of therapies, I applied for a teacher assistant position at the Brookville Center for Children's Services where, among other things, I perform ABA therapy in a classroom of children with severe autism.
These experiences have strengthened my resolve to become an SLP. I have the motivation and passion that, with the knowledge from a master's degree at Queens College, will allow me to impact the lives of those in need.
alternative conclusion:
These experiences have left no question or doubt in my mind as to what I want to do professionally. I seek more challenge and growth at ----- College, where my insight into the clinical field, research experience, patience, and optimism is valued. I have the interest and the skills to effectively deliver speech and language therapy, and I would welcome the opportunity to earn my Master of Science degree in Speech and Language Pathology at ------ College.
