Undergraduate / Would "Escape" from an undesirable suburb be an appropriate essay topic? [6]

Every stroke away from the superficial establishment brought new energy, the crawling shoreline ahead brought new hope. Waves crashed from every direction, testing everything I held on to and straining every ounce of might I had. My personality, my pride, and even my happiness were all torn away by this monstrous sea. I finally sprawled onto the sand of that beautiful bay and exhaled the deepest sigh of relief to ever escape my lungs. I reached in my pocket and yanked out a wet piece of paper, my golden ticket, my letter of glory from my very dream school that denied me the year before. **Everything I had worked for, finally tangible, finally meaningful***. I escaped.

***need help on this sentence***

So I didn't really swim to my new home and life, but I struggled through harsh waters to get there. In the year preceding this event, I could only describe my life as a whirlpool of social misery.

and this is the transition i have, trying to perfect it.. like the intro better?

Undergraduate / Would "Escape" from an undesirable suburb be an appropriate essay topic? [6]

yeah, this definitely needs a lot of work.. I've pretty much scrapped the first paragraph, i might have a shorter version of the escape and victory and ticket, but the spear thing doesnt make too much sense, it just played out better in my mind.

Also, i guess it's hard to write of the kids without a little resent, this is just really engraved in my mind as the worst year of my life so it's hard not too.. And overall the essay is about my growth as a musician, even though i started out as the lowest level percussionist for marching band (auxilary percussionist in the pit) i showed up to rehearsal every day with people i didn't get along with or relate to, and eventually worked my way into the top ensemble and at the end of the year got an award for "outstanding musician".

All in all, i guess just lighten it up a little lol.
thanks for the advice, i was definitely on the wrong track.

here's what i have after the current intro, which will be changed, so you kind of get an idea of what i'm going for. all of this will be heavily edited, of course

In actuality, any of the "spear-chuckers" described really didn't care I was leaving. The struggle described, however, is proportional to the one I overcame leaving Abercrombie bay. Preceding this event, I could only describe my life as a whirlpool of social misery. To put it simply, I didn't "fit in" where conformity was the first unspoken rule. Abercrombie and Ed Hardy were a social "currency", and a lack of both instantly deemed you different. Imagine what they thought of a new, feeble freshman with long, blonde hair and an eccentric personality. I was cast into a completely new city, district, and school for my freshman year, the few transient friends I made were the "weird kids." but the creeping fact that I was nothing like the thousands of sycophants around me made my discomfort grow to self-reliance, and eventually complete seclusion. This seclusion from the world around me, however, only made my passion burn stronger.

By the second 9 weeks, I was already a marching band zombie, trained to show up promptly at 7 am for my borderline useless part (a gong roll) and eventually sleep became an unnecessary luxury. Drum line rehearsals were after school as well, and the football games every Friday didn't make things any easier.

(i'm about to get into my persistence and work, the good part)

Undergraduate / Would "Escape" from an undesirable suburb be an appropriate essay topic? [6]

Also, I'm a lousy student and this is due today.. so please help, with urgency!
Thanks again!