Stranger89
Feb 6, 2011
Undergraduate / MCPHS-Why I want to become a doctor...Women need my help over there [4]
Hello sofia10, I'm a foreigner so I won't advise you about any grammatical point nor about essay's structure. I'll try to give you some pieces of advice about the content which is a bit too vehement.
First you sound too much like you seek to convince the reader by emotional means and not enough with facts. You must be more objective ABOUT your emotions and your ambitions.
Giving more evidence of that is a great work on oneself.
"Luck. Luck defines my life"
Too melodramatic I think. And the word "luck" appears too many times too.
"Pakistan has one of the worst medical fields in the world. On top of that, women are not allowed to be treated by male doctors due to religious reasons."
This is good, it's relevant because as long as you explain the situation you show that you know what you are talking about and your concern.
"I want that to change. I want to devote my life to becoming a doctor..."
to becoming a doctor ? It sounds like you'll never reach this aim :/
Get rid of reccurent or superfluous words :
"...and helping these women who are dying just because they do not have medical acess. These women were not lucky enough to escape Pakistan, as my parents were. I could easily be in their positions. And because I am not, I find that I have to help these women who are living with diseases and illnesses..."
-> "I want that to change and devote my life to."
Such recurrences make me feel like you have depleted all your arguments and that you keep on trying to convince as if you were already apprehending a refusal.
Bear in mind that each time you use such words like dying, starving... you affect the reader, and too often used, it sounds like it was something easy to talk about.
I think you should go on in explaining what else interest you in the job of doctor. Contact with people... How you imagine the situation may get better.. Your interest in this science ? Why you think you may be a good doctor.
"When I first entered into the building, I noticed the huge pillars. I love the architecture, and the fact that it is located in the city. I also like the size of the school and the alumni from all different races."
This is irrelevant. Does the fact that you like the architecture really give the reader any evidence that your motivations won't dim ? Don't give free compliments just to flatter (if this is addressed to the MCPHS).
Your essay is quite short.
Hello sofia10, I'm a foreigner so I won't advise you about any grammatical point nor about essay's structure. I'll try to give you some pieces of advice about the content which is a bit too vehement.
First you sound too much like you seek to convince the reader by emotional means and not enough with facts. You must be more objective ABOUT your emotions and your ambitions.
Giving more evidence of that is a great work on oneself.
"Luck. Luck defines my life"
Too melodramatic I think. And the word "luck" appears too many times too.
"Pakistan has one of the worst medical fields in the world. On top of that, women are not allowed to be treated by male doctors due to religious reasons."
This is good, it's relevant because as long as you explain the situation you show that you know what you are talking about and your concern.
"I want that to change. I want to devote my life to becoming a doctor..."
to becoming a doctor ? It sounds like you'll never reach this aim :/
Get rid of reccurent or superfluous words :
"...and helping these women who are dying just because they do not have medical acess. These women were not lucky enough to escape Pakistan, as my parents were. I could easily be in their positions. And because I am not, I find that I have to help these women who are living with diseases and illnesses..."
-> "I want that to change and devote my life to."
Such recurrences make me feel like you have depleted all your arguments and that you keep on trying to convince as if you were already apprehending a refusal.
Bear in mind that each time you use such words like dying, starving... you affect the reader, and too often used, it sounds like it was something easy to talk about.
I think you should go on in explaining what else interest you in the job of doctor. Contact with people... How you imagine the situation may get better.. Your interest in this science ? Why you think you may be a good doctor.
"When I first entered into the building, I noticed the huge pillars. I love the architecture, and the fact that it is located in the city. I also like the size of the school and the alumni from all different races."
This is irrelevant. Does the fact that you like the architecture really give the reader any evidence that your motivations won't dim ? Don't give free compliments just to flatter (if this is addressed to the MCPHS).
Your essay is quite short.