farsider
Feb 24, 2011
Undergraduate / Short admission essay "Tell us about yourself" International student needs help [4]
Hello, Alexandra -
Typically, revealing essays, where you are asked to elaborate on your ambitions and qualities, are used as a basis for understanding you as a student. Institutions want to know what your goals are in life, how you plan to achieve them, and how you believe attending their school will help you work toward those goals. These are all key points to address in this essay.
In your opening paragraph, you assert a very strong, emotional persona. Yet, the second paragraph is more befitting to an introduction because it roughly defines what you want to do: You want to help others. The "interest in helping people" statement should be embellished to explain how you believe the boarding school will assist with this endeavor. Furthermore, be specific about how you will help others and the world. You do state in the third paragraph that the "school can help [you] change [your] future," but again, you do not indicate how. What classes and/or personal guidance do they offer to support this goal? Do you want to feed people, cloth them, become a teacher or ambassador, etc.?
Moreover, there is no substantial insight into who you are, which is also what the school requests. You have explained (briefly) your past and what you've done. Again, these are good things to explain why you are the way you are and what you want to do, but not "who" and "how."
If you organize your key statements, so that they unequivocally answer the questions, "Who are you?" and "Why are you choosing us?" with elaboration, you will have a very strong essay.
Good luck, Alexandra!
Hello, Alexandra -
Typically, revealing essays, where you are asked to elaborate on your ambitions and qualities, are used as a basis for understanding you as a student. Institutions want to know what your goals are in life, how you plan to achieve them, and how you believe attending their school will help you work toward those goals. These are all key points to address in this essay.
In your opening paragraph, you assert a very strong, emotional persona. Yet, the second paragraph is more befitting to an introduction because it roughly defines what you want to do: You want to help others. The "interest in helping people" statement should be embellished to explain how you believe the boarding school will assist with this endeavor. Furthermore, be specific about how you will help others and the world. You do state in the third paragraph that the "school can help [you] change [your] future," but again, you do not indicate how. What classes and/or personal guidance do they offer to support this goal? Do you want to feed people, cloth them, become a teacher or ambassador, etc.?
Moreover, there is no substantial insight into who you are, which is also what the school requests. You have explained (briefly) your past and what you've done. Again, these are good things to explain why you are the way you are and what you want to do, but not "who" and "how."
If you organize your key statements, so that they unequivocally answer the questions, "Who are you?" and "Why are you choosing us?" with elaboration, you will have a very strong essay.
Good luck, Alexandra!
