John_Champagne
Jun 16, 2011
Writing Feedback / Essay paper: Do you think it is possible to end extreme poverty. If so, how? [6]
This last paragraph shows that your concern is aimed at addressing poverty in the United States. But extreme poverty is almost nonexistent in the U.S.
Extreme poverty exists in places like Bangladesh, Haiti, The Sudan and many other parts of Africa. In the United States, we see examples of relative poverty, but not extreme poverty, I think.
If you have found some of the suggestions above helpful, I could come back later and perhaps offer some more. But I wonder if you would like some feedback on the ideas, on the content, as well?
Here is the text with suggestions incorporated, without the parentheses and alternate suggestions:
Topic: Do you think it is possible to end extreme poverty within the next 30 years. If so, how?
Poverty has been a serious problem through the centuries. Every year, there are millions of people at risk of hunger. Many foundations, such as Sodexo, have been created to fight poverty. But how long must we fight? Is there any way that we can end extreme poverty within a short time? The answer is, "yes, we can. If we work together to fight poverty, we can stop it". (I am not SURE about placement of these quotes.)
We say that we love people. We feel compassion and empathy for poor people, and want to help them out. Nevertheless, what we do is not in accord with what we say. Ironically, we are the ones who make poverty, not God, nor the laws of nature.
In order to fight poverty, we have to know why the rate of poverty has risen recently. In recent years, the U.S. has been taking care of too many things like, being a leader in the war to fight terrorism, supporting other countries with their disaster by providing them money, food, and work forces. Is it enough already? Should we be more concerned about what happens with our country? I'm not saying that the U.S should not get involved with the world. However, everything has a limit...
(I think this edit needs editing. I used 'In recent years' just after your 'recently'. It might be better to change 'recently' or change 'In recent years' to name a particular time-frame, such as, 'Over the past decade', or something like that.)
This last paragraph shows that your concern is aimed at addressing poverty in the United States. But extreme poverty is almost nonexistent in the U.S.
Extreme poverty exists in places like Bangladesh, Haiti, The Sudan and many other parts of Africa. In the United States, we see examples of relative poverty, but not extreme poverty, I think.
If you have found some of the suggestions above helpful, I could come back later and perhaps offer some more. But I wonder if you would like some feedback on the ideas, on the content, as well?
Here is the text with suggestions incorporated, without the parentheses and alternate suggestions:
Topic: Do you think it is possible to end extreme poverty within the next 30 years. If so, how?
Poverty has been a serious problem through the centuries. Every year, there are millions of people at risk of hunger. Many foundations, such as Sodexo, have been created to fight poverty. But how long must we fight? Is there any way that we can end extreme poverty within a short time? The answer is, "yes, we can. If we work together to fight poverty, we can stop it". (I am not SURE about placement of these quotes.)
We say that we love people. We feel compassion and empathy for poor people, and want to help them out. Nevertheless, what we do is not in accord with what we say. Ironically, we are the ones who make poverty, not God, nor the laws of nature.
In order to fight poverty, we have to know why the rate of poverty has risen recently. In recent years, the U.S. has been taking care of too many things like, being a leader in the war to fight terrorism, supporting other countries with their disaster by providing them money, food, and work forces. Is it enough already? Should we be more concerned about what happens with our country? I'm not saying that the U.S should not get involved with the world. However, everything has a limit...
(I think this edit needs editing. I used 'In recent years' just after your 'recently'. It might be better to change 'recently' or change 'In recent years' to name a particular time-frame, such as, 'Over the past decade', or something like that.)
