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Essay paper: Do you think it is possible to end extreme poverty. If so, how?


hiroshimi 1 / -  
Jun 13, 2011   #1
This is my essay about this topic. I really need helps in grammars and phrases. Please help me. Thank you very much.

Topic: Do you think it is possible to end extreme poverty in next 30 years. If so, how?

Poverty has been a serious problem over centuries. Every year, there are millions of people at the risk of hunger. A lot of foundations, like Sodexo, are created for fighting poverty. But, how long do we have to fight? Is there anyway that we can end extreme poverty in short time? The answer is, yes, we can. If we work altogether to fight poverty, we can stop it.

We always say that we love people. We feel sorry for poor people, and want to help them out. Nevertheless, what we do is not agree to what we say. Ironically, we are the one that make poverty, not god, nor anything.

In order to fight poverty, we have to know the reasons the rate of poverty has risen recently. Until now, the U.S has been taking care of too many things like, being a leader in the war to fight terrorism, supporting other countries with their disaster by providing them money, food, and work forces. Is it enough already? Should we be more concerned about what happens with our country? I'm not saying that the U.S should not get involved with the world. However, everything has a limit. How can we support other countries better if we are not strong enough? How can we help other people if our residents are faced with poverty, the fear of being laid-off, having no money to pay for their daily expenses? We still have a lot of people that don't reach the standard of living yet.

There are many jobs that have vanished. The newspaper has cut more than three thousands jobs last year. Yahoo! also cut about one thousands job so far. People are struggling in finding a proper job that can provide them money to live: "I'd like to stay in journalism, but I don't know if I can make a sustainable living at it" (Triplett). Another 62-year-old machinist is also in the same situation, but he doesn't blame it on anyone: "I don't hold it against anybody, because the same thing is happening everywhere" (Simmon). According to Paul Krugman, who was the winner of the 2008 Nobel Prize in economics, the Obama's economic stimulus will only limit the rise of unemployment but it won't help to restore full employment. Without jobs, people can't earn. They tend to spend less, cut off the shopping, and when they don't spend, it means more layoffs in manufacturing. As a consequence, poverty is raised and become an extreme problem which is hard to solve.

I still don't know the benefits that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have brought to us except for a big loss of money and many tragic deaths. The total financial cost for just only the war in Iraq is around $3 trillion. More than 4,000 thousand U.S troop have lost their lives so far and some 30,000 wounded. Despite that fact, the government keeps supporting this great source of expenses with the funds from residents' taxes.

Just imagine what would happen to the economic situation if we had spent that huge amount of money on infrastructure, worker training, medical research, and homeland security in our country? The answer is obvious. It would have helped speed up the entire economy by providing more jobs for people. The rate of joblessness would have decreased, and the worry about poverty would have lifted.

We cannot deny the fact that war is very much linked to poverty and crisis of economy. President Bush used to say that the spending on the war might help with jobs, because we were buying equipment and people were working. Even though this may be a way to create more jobs for people, it is not necessarily the right way and does not stop the poverty. With war, comes many tragic deaths. The wife loses her husband, and the child loses his dad. War cannot end anything. Generally, the vice chair man of Goldman, Sachs, a Wall Street firm is also in favor of this: "War spending is a highly ineffective way of boosting U.S. jobs and growth; spending on road, bridges, energy research, and education at home would have a far more beneficial and enduring effect on the economy than artillery and tanks." This way, we are not losing our dear residents, and they can use their knowledge to ameliorate the country.

Can you believe that we can possibly end the extreme poverty in the next 30 years? I believe so. But, there are a lot of thing that we have to do. Education should be a primary concern in the first ten years. Every child should complete a high school degree at least. Knowledge is always the best way to improve poverty. With creative ideas based on what they have learned, children can build a bright future. Bill Gates is the best example for this case.

Second, in the next five years we have to fight corruption. This is one of the great sources of poverty. A country with a lot of corruption will grow slower than others, and eventually, the economic activities will decline. Even though corruption, itself, does not affect poverty directly, it has serious impact on the economy and governance factors which lead to poverty. Because corruption causes high cost in business, increased inefficiency, limits the growth of economy, and creates public mistrust in government. This is everybody's job. As Ghandi says, one man's greed is enough to consume all the world's assets. They have to control their own greed, take responsibility, and pay full taxes. Just think about how taxes can help to build schools, improve social services, health care. We can reduce the rate of poverty this way. Will you give a hand?

Third, we have to be concerned with our economic situation. The U.S government should invest in the economy once again in ten years. We can try to create more jobs, or get the best deals with other countries so they can provide us best equipment for the lowest price. We also have to expand and introduce our products. In the countries in Asia such as Vietnam, China, or Malaysia . . . whatever comes from the U.S always has the greatest value compare to other products. It always has double and even triple price. So, why don't we use this point to make more money?

Fourth, controlling the market and population is one of the ways to fight the poverty in the last five years. Inflation just makes everything get worse. Companies will gain more, but in contrast, the rate of poverty will rise because low class people cannot afford living expenses. Rich people will get richer, and poor people will become poorer. Moreover, we cannot ensure that we provide enough for people if overpopulation occurs.

I come here three years ago as an international student with dream and hope. My dream is to be a good doctor and help poor people. Me, myself, cannot change everything. This is time that we should stand together, hold the hands and overcome the obstacles for a better world.

Don't let our children, the next generation have to bear any bad result created from our mistakes. They don't deserve it. A bright and happy life which is full of hopes and dreams is the one that they should expect and wait for. Besides that, when we improve our situation, the good is not only for us but also for other countries which their economy depend on ours. We can help reduce the rate of poverty throughout the world. Don't be worried, together we will make it through, like we did for our first Great Recession in World War II. You go, America!!!

meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Jun 13, 2011   #2
some thoughts, try combining ideas in your sentences together to make longer sentences

you say a lot about what we are doing with money, and about several issues, but you don't talk about extreme poverty until later in the essay. What you say about the US economy and military spending does not necessarily mean that EXTREME poverty can end. Make sure that is clearer.

you spend the first "half" talking about real world examples, but the second part is more theoretical, and somewhat rhetorical. try to merge them together, < just a thought.

try not to use "we," "you," "us," etc in your essay. It depends who the paper is written to, but if this is an academic paper, or a persuasive paper, keep it third person.

you've got lots of ideas, especially apparent in the list of first, second, third, etc, but I think you need to explain how it's applicable
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jun 15, 2011   #3
The first sentence of the essay is not interesting enough. Can you precede it or replace is with a sentence that is INTRIGUING?

Also.. many times it is possible to improve a sentence by taking away THERE IS or THERE ARE.
Every year, there are millions of people are at the risk of hunger.

Also, take out THAT whenever you can:
We always say that we love people.

Again here:
There are Many jobs that have vanished. ---This is more powerful.

Can you believe that we can possibly end the extreme poverty in the next 30 years? I believe so. ----Based on what? Seems unrealistic.

I come came here three years ago as ...

Great job... this is a meaningful essay. I think the world needs more people who think the way you do. Thanks for being here at EF. :-)
John_Champagne - / 2  
Jun 15, 2011   #4
My short answer is, "Yes, we can end extreme poverty by recognizing a shared ownership of natural resource wealth. When industries take natural resources in pursuit of profit or put pollution into the air or water, they should pay a fee. The people at large should share the proceeds of these fees, to each person an equal amount. The value of natural resources has been estimated to exceed $33 trillion per year. (Robert Costanza, et al, Nature, 1997) That would be about $20 per day for everyone on the planet."

You can read about this idea at gaiabrain.blogspot.com

I will try to offer suggestions about grammar, etc., later. I have responded to the content here, not the presentation.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jun 16, 2011   #5
Great ideas, John. Thanks for taking the time to register for a membership and make this contribution. I hope you'll participate sometimes in out virtual writers' group!

:-)
John_Champagne - / 2  
Jun 16, 2011   #6
This last paragraph shows that your concern is aimed at addressing poverty in the United States. But extreme poverty is almost nonexistent in the U.S.

Extreme poverty exists in places like Bangladesh, Haiti, The Sudan and many other parts of Africa. In the United States, we see examples of relative poverty, but not extreme poverty, I think.

If you have found some of the suggestions above helpful, I could come back later and perhaps offer some more. But I wonder if you would like some feedback on the ideas, on the content, as well?

Here is the text with suggestions incorporated, without the parentheses and alternate suggestions:

Topic: Do you think it is possible to end extreme poverty within the next 30 years. If so, how?

Poverty has been a serious problem through the centuries. Every year, there are millions of people at risk of hunger. Many foundations, such as Sodexo, have been created to fight poverty. But how long must we fight? Is there any way that we can end extreme poverty within a short time? The answer is, "yes, we can. If we work together to fight poverty, we can stop it". (I am not SURE about placement of these quotes.)

We say that we love people. We feel compassion and empathy for poor people, and want to help them out. Nevertheless, what we do is not in accord with what we say. Ironically, we are the ones who make poverty, not God, nor the laws of nature.

In order to fight poverty, we have to know why the rate of poverty has risen recently. In recent years, the U.S. has been taking care of too many things like, being a leader in the war to fight terrorism, supporting other countries with their disaster by providing them money, food, and work forces. Is it enough already? Should we be more concerned about what happens with our country? I'm not saying that the U.S should not get involved with the world. However, everything has a limit...

(I think this edit needs editing. I used 'In recent years' just after your 'recently'. It might be better to change 'recently' or change 'In recent years' to name a particular time-frame, such as, 'Over the past decade', or something like that.)


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