Letters / Letter of Motivation for a graduate study In Advance Clay Science [4]

Based on your choice of words, you have demonstrated that you have the ability to make an A+. However its not catchy enough. Too many long sentences. I was almost out of breath after reading the first sentence. I lost interest very quickly and decided to just scan through it. Heres a little tip.. read aloud in a room alone several times, and picture yourself as the judge. How would you rate this writer. Good Luck, and never give up!!! Keep writing..