junghs0227
Jul 30, 2011
Writing Feedback / READING FOR STUDENTS [4]
Hi.
I think the person above me already suggested great revision.
I just wanted to add a few minor ideas.
I'm not sure whether the topic is about the reading's effects on students and possible solutions for make children read.
Whatever the topic is, your essay having strong points by suggesting your daughter's experience as supporting details.
But the important point is the term "Reading".
We also read in the cyberspace.
I think you restricted vocab "Reading" in paper based copies.
If you want to define reading for books, you have to mention why internet based information is not reading but sort of looking or watching. Your essay seems to give me the idea that you did not write about reading but about books.
Moreover, your details are all focused on the same result-fluency in school work. However, rather than just stating that the ultimate goal is better school work, it would be more organized essay if you write like "Due to the reading's effects, children would gain this, this, and this. For the children who have lots of these, better school work is natural and additional results."
Finally, it is quite hard to recognize what your paragraphs are talking about. It is true that you wrote lots of ideas about school's effects, but each paragraph does not have clear topic sentence. In order to revise this, first paragraph for example, could be changed like "Reading is fundamental step for children to evolve their knowledge status." The next paragraph can be also modified as "Furthermore, reading is also higly conducive for emotional development for children" The rest of the sentences can be filled with your great details.
You have awesome ideas and details in your written essay. The only thing you need to do is organize you essay. You know after you sketch, the only thing you need to do is draw clear line on those vague pencil lines. If you just revise your essay with clear topic sentences and orgnized details, I don't doubt that the grades would be high enough.
Hi.
I think the person above me already suggested great revision.
I just wanted to add a few minor ideas.
I'm not sure whether the topic is about the reading's effects on students and possible solutions for make children read.
Whatever the topic is, your essay having strong points by suggesting your daughter's experience as supporting details.
But the important point is the term "Reading".
We also read in the cyberspace.
I think you restricted vocab "Reading" in paper based copies.
If you want to define reading for books, you have to mention why internet based information is not reading but sort of looking or watching. Your essay seems to give me the idea that you did not write about reading but about books.
Moreover, your details are all focused on the same result-fluency in school work. However, rather than just stating that the ultimate goal is better school work, it would be more organized essay if you write like "Due to the reading's effects, children would gain this, this, and this. For the children who have lots of these, better school work is natural and additional results."
Finally, it is quite hard to recognize what your paragraphs are talking about. It is true that you wrote lots of ideas about school's effects, but each paragraph does not have clear topic sentence. In order to revise this, first paragraph for example, could be changed like "Reading is fundamental step for children to evolve their knowledge status." The next paragraph can be also modified as "Furthermore, reading is also higly conducive for emotional development for children" The rest of the sentences can be filled with your great details.
You have awesome ideas and details in your written essay. The only thing you need to do is organize you essay. You know after you sketch, the only thing you need to do is draw clear line on those vague pencil lines. If you just revise your essay with clear topic sentences and orgnized details, I don't doubt that the grades would be high enough.
