Undergraduate / "describing the information unwanted" - admission essay. Track is my way of life. [5]

I decided to keep the first beginning. This is what I came up with for the next one.

Running for Judson High School I started out my freshmen uswest with a bang, winning our district and regional meet then I was off to State with my preserving track team. My success continued the filling two years as I made it to the atTention meet once again.

Anyone who runs track knows it takes a lot more then just jumping on the track and being fast. It too me dedication, perserverence(?), and a lot of hard work to make me the runner I am today.

I can name quite a few things that track has done for me, however the main things that have effected me the most is the amount of responsibility I have to put in towards my classes, setting goals and following through with them as well as being more mature when being put in peer pressure situations.

After this I was going to go into depth on the things track has done for me. But I'm not what I should add to make the essay more unique or if I even set it up the correct way.

Undergraduate / "describing the information unwanted" - admission essay. Track is my way of life. [5]

Heres What i came up with as an alternative beginning, but I'm not sure if it sounds to much like a story or how to start the next paragraph.

I can feel the warmth or the sun sitting on my back while I sat in my blocks waiting for the gun to go off. This was it! The race that would determined wither I would be going to the regional meet in my open 400 meter dash. Bang! We were off. Down the home stretch, legs burning, sweat dripping, I felt the determination running through my veins. Before I know it I was finished. And on my way to the regional meet.

I liked the first one better though. What about you?