devasia1000
Sep 3, 2011
Undergraduate / My First Participation in Long Distance Race Yale Supplement Eassy [5]
First of all, before you start reading my critic, let me warn you that I'm an extremely candid person and that I would never "sugar" my words just to please you.
No offence, but am I right in saying that English is your second language? Your grammar is awkward, especially your tenses.
Anyway, moving on to the essay, I'll organize my criticisms in bite-sized steps:
1) "but I would try my best to improve myself and win a prize for my class." - if the most important thing in the race for you was just winning a prize for your class, then sorry, you don't deserve to be in Yale, think of a better ulterior motive.
2) "Right now, I was standing at the scratch line with other participants and was ready." - Oh really?! It appears to me that "Right Now" you are writing your essay. Delete that phrase and change "scratch line" to something else
3) "Seeing other participant far in front of me" - should be "participants"
4) "I lost my fight and wanted to give up" - awkward tense again
5) "I ran like an arrow leaving a bow" - this phrase is used so many times in college essays that it would irritate any admission officer
6) "my classmates cheered me up" - should be cheered me on
Lastly, your essay topic itself is flawed, thousands of people write about themselves participating in school events, failing, and then reassuring themselves that it was all worth the effort. In your essay, I see nothing to show that you care about the community, are intellectually brilliant, passionate about the university courses you plan to attend (passionate about running maybe) or a well rounded person.
First of all, before you start reading my critic, let me warn you that I'm an extremely candid person and that I would never "sugar" my words just to please you.
No offence, but am I right in saying that English is your second language? Your grammar is awkward, especially your tenses.
Anyway, moving on to the essay, I'll organize my criticisms in bite-sized steps:
1) "but I would try my best to improve myself and win a prize for my class." - if the most important thing in the race for you was just winning a prize for your class, then sorry, you don't deserve to be in Yale, think of a better ulterior motive.
2) "Right now, I was standing at the scratch line with other participants and was ready." - Oh really?! It appears to me that "Right Now" you are writing your essay. Delete that phrase and change "scratch line" to something else
3) "Seeing other participant far in front of me" - should be "participants"
4) "I lost my fight and wanted to give up" - awkward tense again
5) "I ran like an arrow leaving a bow" - this phrase is used so many times in college essays that it would irritate any admission officer
6) "my classmates cheered me up" - should be cheered me on
Lastly, your essay topic itself is flawed, thousands of people write about themselves participating in school events, failing, and then reassuring themselves that it was all worth the effort. In your essay, I see nothing to show that you care about the community, are intellectually brilliant, passionate about the university courses you plan to attend (passionate about running maybe) or a well rounded person.