My First Participation in Long Distance Race
When I was in Grade 10, I loved playing various sports such as swimming, jumping and soccer. Two weeks before my school sports meeting, I had decided to participate in long distance race (1500 meters) instead of my strength: short distance race (100 meters). Although I wasn't good at long distance race, I thought it could improve my stamina as well as lung capacity. Undoubtedly, it was a challenging attempt, but I would try my best to improve myself and win a prize for my class.
At first, I was always out of breath and could not finish the race. After the race, sometimes I would feel tired and a little uncomfortable. In order to succeed, I spent a lot of time practicing and usually asked my PE teacher how to breathe during the race. With my effort, I gradually developed my breathing skills and increased my speed. However, I thought I still had potential. I kept training and hoped I could do well in the race.
As time went by, my school sports meeting came. As the long distance race would start on a very hot afternoon, I would lose plenty of energy and sweat a lot during the race. So I ate a piece of chocolate and drank some soda before the race.
Right now, I was standing at the scratch line with other participants and was ready. As soon as I heard the shot, I ran like an arrow leaving a bow. In the beginning, I ran at a constant speed and followed the pace of major people. Later, however, I began to lose my breath and slowed down. Seeing other participant far in front of me, I lost my fight and wanted to give up. At this time, my classmates cheered me up. They waved their hands and shout, "Zhaozhong, got for it! We are proud of you!" I was inspired and reflected on the skills taught by my PE teacher. I adjusted my breath and increased my steps. I caught up with other participants and even surpassed some of them. I gritted my teeth and kept my position. On the last lap of race, I sprinted with all my strength. As soon as I passed the finish line, my classmates came to support me with their hands. I was so exhausted that I couldn't say any thing! After a while, my classmates told me that I had done a great job and got the tenth place in the race. Although our school just honored top eight participants, I still felt happy to take part in the race.
I benefited a lot from long distance race. Physically, it reinforces my stamina and lung capacity; Mentally, it tests my perseverance and tempers my willpower. Therefore, I believe it is meaningful to take part in long distance race. Up to now, I still often take part in long distance running.
First of all, before you start reading my critic, let me warn you that I'm an extremely candid person and that I would never "sugar" my words just to please you.
No offence, but am I right in saying that English is your second language? Your grammar is awkward, especially your tenses.
Anyway, moving on to the essay, I'll organize my criticisms in bite-sized steps:
1) "but I would try my best to improve myself and win a prize for my class." - if the most important thing in the race for you was just winning a prize for your class, then sorry, you don't deserve to be in Yale, think of a better ulterior motive.
2) "Right now, I was standing at the scratch line with other participants and was ready." - Oh really?! It appears to me that "Right Now" you are writing your essay. Delete that phrase and change "scratch line" to something else
3) "Seeing other participant far in front of me" - should be "participants"
4) "I lost my fight and wanted to give up" - awkward tense again
5) "I ran like an arrow leaving a bow" - this phrase is used so many times in college essays that it would irritate any admission officer
6) "my classmates cheered me up" - should be cheered me on
Lastly, your essay topic itself is flawed, thousands of people write about themselves participating in school events, failing, and then reassuring themselves that it was all worth the effort. In your essay, I see nothing to show that you care about the community, are intellectually brilliant, passionate about the university courses you plan to attend (passionate about running maybe) or a well rounded person.
Yes, you are right. I am from China, and English is my second language. I FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT YOU MUST GET INTO HARVARD!!!!!!!!!!!!
@RYORAO Don't listen to someone who criticizes your essay, has the nerve to call you an ESL student and can't even spell OFFENSE and CRITIQUE properly. There's nothing inherently flawed in your essay choice. It is true that the subject is a bit cliched, but if this topic speaks to you and you feel that you can elaborate on it a way superior to others, by all means write it. The adcoms will know you are briliant from your grades and course selections;they will know that you care about your community from the extacurriculars page; and they will know that you are passionate about this university from the "Why Yale?" essay. I'm going to be frank with you. There will be a lot of Asians applying to Ivies this year, just like in past years. Adcoms are going to expect to see the high g.p.a, SAT II Chinese 800, high SAT I scores, math and science clubs and awards and the occasional piano recital. Your involvement in a sport is going to be something that distinguishes you from a good portion of those you re competing with--if you capitalize on the right things it can truly make them see the well-rounded applicant you are.
While I agree with KalinaLane that there is nothing really flawed about your essay topic, I would have to say that there is a lot that is missing from it. The most important thing which this essay lacks is the sense about context(how do I explain this...?) Try to paint a picture in the minds of the reader. For example,
Right now, I was standing at the scratch line with other participants and was ready.
how about adding what was going through your mind then? Or, how did the other participants look? Did it seem as if they were in a similar situation, or did it look like they had been doing this years?
You get the idea? I think giving these small details would help any reader actually connect with you. Try to write more vividly.
I hope KalinaLane, or anyone else, does not crucify me for my awful spelling, grammar and punctuation.
