Posts by spinningjenny

spinningjenny

Oct 30, 2008

Undergraduate / 'My dad says not to give up' - Role Model Essay [6]

Awh, I think your essay is very sweet. I like when your father tells you 'No te rindas'; that's very moving. I also thought 'I could not hold in my tears' was very expressive of the intensity of your feeling.

I wish there was more of that type of writing in the essay, though. You are telling the reader that it is hard to cope in a new place, not showing us. For example, why was the science project so hard? Did you think that everyone else thought you didn't understand the material when you really did? Or did you hate how much you had to concentrate on each word when it would have been so easy in your native country?

I also think it would also be a much stronger essay if you wrote about what you did to learn English (did you take classes or use textbooks or just really focus on learning it in school?), again proving to the reader how hard you worked instead of just telling us.

I recommend cutting the second person out of your first paragraph; "You never know what is going to happen or where you are going to end up," sounds like a teacher. Try phrasing it in terms of yourself.

You should really think about your quote at the end of the essay. It's a beautiful sentiment but it feels like you've stuck that in just to have a Shakespeare quote. If that really is something you want to express, develop it more.

This essay has a lot of potential and is immediately touching. It'd benefit from more examples and be sure when you're writing that you're saying what you really want to say, not relying on cliches (like 'Life is a box of surprises' and 'nothing is guarentee in life').

I hope that was helpful, it's a very adorable essay. Good luck!

spinningjenny

Oct 30, 2008

Undergraduate / to spend summer in New Zealand - Common App essay [2]

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

My parents told me we were going to spend last summer in New Zealand almost a year in advance, but I came to my conclusion immediately. It'd be awful. There seemed to be some magic that happened when everyone else traveled that just didn't happen to me. That bothered me like something stuck in between my teeth. I pestered my friends. Eventually they stopped protesting and just let me complain, but they never told me their secret. After maybe the fifth time of hearing me describe the miseries I'd surely go through, my friend told me "Well, of course you'll have a bad time if you expect to."

It wasn't at all a tricky or a new idea. Still, it weighed heavily on my mind. It weighed on my mind as I packed, it weighed on my mind throughout the numerous disorienting flights, and it weighed on my mind as I stepped into the blustery winter air. As we drove down the wrong side of the road, I decided that my friend was right, but I was right, too. I had to try very hard not to be unhappy so that I could prove to her that I was going to end up unhappy anyway. I needed to show the world how inevitable my lack of magic was.

It turned out that when I'm not letting myself think about all the things I could be doing at home, there are nice things to do other places. I took a live-drawing class and created some of my favorite pieces of artwork. I spent days in the Museum of New Zealand Te Papa, which is Maori for 'Our Land,' and saw the finest relics of a culture I'd never even heard of in global history class. It turned out that when I'm not letting myself focus on how different my parents are from my friends, they're actually kind of funny. And it turned out that when I'm not letting myself feel decidedly blase, sights are even kind of exciting. I pet a giraffe, I was in the tallest building in the entire southern hemisphere, and I stomped through the woods looking for Lord of the Rings filming locations. I had more than a good time. My winter in July was even... magical. It sparked some smugness in my patient friends when I got home, but I was the real winner.

It wasn't until I started the school year that I realized the importance of what I'd learned. I was trudging through some homework that I'd been avoiding all day when I realized it was just another New Zealand. I didn't have to hate it. I'd been spending my entire life deciding whether or not something was going to be wonderful or miserable before hand and reacting accordingly. But now that I've started paying attention to how things really are, I haven't come by a single second that didn't have something to appreciate.

I always knew the idea that 'life is what you make it' meant that how much effort I put in is how much effort I get out, but I always thought there was some external receiver who had to make the transaction. If I put work into the world, by doing my homework or helping out a friend, the world would reward me when the teacher gave me an A and the friend gave me thanks. The effort I put in to being happy comes back right away and never passes through moody fate's hands. I can't say how comforting that idea is.