matthewcq2
Sep 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'club involvement' - Model United Nations essay on the common-app [3]
Thank you for the feedback
Thank you for the feedback
matthewcq2
Sep 22, 2011
Undergraduate / "Motivation to be the best - how I became president of HOSA" - UF essay [6]
Be careful at the beginning of the essay. It seems to me that in trying to use more complex grammatical structures in your essay (which is certainly understandable, you want to try to impress) your writing has become awkward and unnatural. Try reading your paper aloud, it may not sound as you hope and just may figure out how it should be written. Remember, this essay is your voice!
To more directly answer your questions though, your essay is clearly focused and gets its point across, it seems long to me, this is probably just because some of it feels awkward when you read. Be sure to avoid rambling and repetition, ad-coms will be able to figure out your point without you being too forward; they are smart people.
Be careful at the beginning of the essay. It seems to me that in trying to use more complex grammatical structures in your essay (which is certainly understandable, you want to try to impress) your writing has become awkward and unnatural. Try reading your paper aloud, it may not sound as you hope and just may figure out how it should be written. Remember, this essay is your voice!
To more directly answer your questions though, your essay is clearly focused and gets its point across, it seems long to me, this is probably just because some of it feels awkward when you read. Be sure to avoid rambling and repetition, ad-coms will be able to figure out your point without you being too forward; they are smart people.
matthewcq2
Sep 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'club involvement' - Model United Nations essay on the common-app [3]
Topic of Your choice:
I breathe quick and unsatisfying gasps. The seats on either side of me seem to fall out of proportion as the aisle stretches infinitely towards some unseen vanishing point. The speaker's list is almost exhausted, time almost up, thoughts racing.
The speaker ahead of me finishes; he yields his time to the chair.
"Switzerland," I'm called. I hesitate. "The chair now recognizes the delegate from Switzerland." I start to walk. I begin to count my steps.
One; I inhale greedily; my thoughts start to slow.
Two; I am moving; the aisle shrinks back down to size.
Three; I exhale; I feel cooler now, calmer.
Four; I'm at the podium.
Five; go time.
As I begin I appear collected but my demeanor belies the rapid beating of my heart. The topic of discussion is labor mobility and as delegate for Switzerland, a nation which draws almost ten percent of its workforce from over across the border-I am strongly in favor. Apprehensively, I take the stand that labor mobility is an individual freedom and international economic boon which the UN is sworn to protect. As I allow my passion for the argument to break through I forget about fear.
It was the first time I spoke at the conference. It would not be the last. I found myself the principal supporter of labor mobility and, when a manufactured crisis hit, the first with a written resolution. Later my delegation was honored as the best in our committee consisting of scores of countries. Since I have been president of the school's Model United nation-a club with over 50 member-for two years.
Often times it is difficult for me to get my foot in the door. I can be nervous, frightened and, like everyone else, I will make mistakes, but I am a natural learner and leader. Given an inch I'll fight for the mile; allowed to take root I will never stop growing and never stop learning.
That's how I've always been and it's how I still am. Even over the course of my short and incredible stay in high school, it has taken me time to mature and grow and learn. My club involvement started at zero, my grades lower then I would have liked, and my courses easy, more astonishingly this was still as step up from middle school and elementary before that. Still I have grown; in harder courses I have earned better grades; and in more clubs I have been more involved in each one. I relish this growth, and I want to keep growing and learning for the rest of my life.
Topic of Your choice:
I breathe quick and unsatisfying gasps. The seats on either side of me seem to fall out of proportion as the aisle stretches infinitely towards some unseen vanishing point. The speaker's list is almost exhausted, time almost up, thoughts racing.
The speaker ahead of me finishes; he yields his time to the chair.
"Switzerland," I'm called. I hesitate. "The chair now recognizes the delegate from Switzerland." I start to walk. I begin to count my steps.
One; I inhale greedily; my thoughts start to slow.
Two; I am moving; the aisle shrinks back down to size.
Three; I exhale; I feel cooler now, calmer.
Four; I'm at the podium.
Five; go time.
As I begin I appear collected but my demeanor belies the rapid beating of my heart. The topic of discussion is labor mobility and as delegate for Switzerland, a nation which draws almost ten percent of its workforce from over across the border-I am strongly in favor. Apprehensively, I take the stand that labor mobility is an individual freedom and international economic boon which the UN is sworn to protect. As I allow my passion for the argument to break through I forget about fear.
It was the first time I spoke at the conference. It would not be the last. I found myself the principal supporter of labor mobility and, when a manufactured crisis hit, the first with a written resolution. Later my delegation was honored as the best in our committee consisting of scores of countries. Since I have been president of the school's Model United nation-a club with over 50 member-for two years.
Often times it is difficult for me to get my foot in the door. I can be nervous, frightened and, like everyone else, I will make mistakes, but I am a natural learner and leader. Given an inch I'll fight for the mile; allowed to take root I will never stop growing and never stop learning.
That's how I've always been and it's how I still am. Even over the course of my short and incredible stay in high school, it has taken me time to mature and grow and learn. My club involvement started at zero, my grades lower then I would have liked, and my courses easy, more astonishingly this was still as step up from middle school and elementary before that. Still I have grown; in harder courses I have earned better grades; and in more clubs I have been more involved in each one. I relish this growth, and I want to keep growing and learning for the rest of my life.
