Undergraduate / "Motivation to be the best - how I became president of HOSA" - UF essay [6]

I appreciate your kind words but I actually don't attend UF... in fact quite the opposite to say the least...

Writing Feedback / Teacher should relate well with students than having an excellent knowledge. [5]

In your first statement you use "ubiquitous" (present everyone at once), are you sure this is the word you're looking for? You also should change "n" to "and." In your second sentence you use "tinge" (to color slightly) and it doesn't make sense in context. There are a few errors with capitalizing the first word of a sentence seen throughout. The segment "phase of life they lead" sounds like you're talking about knowing the outcome of an individual beforehand; "the character they possess" sounds more fitting. You use "lame" in a way that seems very informal. You may want to reconsider possibly saying something such as "useless" as it reiterates your main theme and point of view. I may be wrong but I believe the appropriate way of writing "student's" would be "students'" with the apostrophe at the end. You can rewrite this sentence :"Based on the psychology and the personality of the student, a teacher should be able to fulfil the requirements of the students and that comes handy with being capable of relating with students." as: "A teacher should be able to fulfill the requirements of the students. This can only be done by understanding the student on a personal level and being able to relate to them." This sentence structure shows your view as a more definite one. The next sentence would then no longer be needed. You wrote "A teacher who can relate with the students can not only motivate the students in learning their subjects but also their purpose of learning and making it enjoyable at the same time." but this sounds very vague and leaves the reader wondering who "their" is. You can rewrite this as: "A teacher who can connect with their students can not only motivate them but make learning enjoyable." This a more concise way to state the previous statement. The next sentence about the generation gap does not make sense, so it's best if it's left outs. "A learning place free of uptight and stuffy atmosphere can develop freedom of fear, freedom of expression and freedom of growing knowledge in students." This sentence is very choppy. You should change the way you describe the learning environment. The "stuffy atmosphere" implies that you previously talked about a stuffy atmosphere; maybe "free of uptight and tense instructors" would perhaps be a better flow. Also, you can close by saying "can create an environment where students wouldn't hesitate to express their opinions." This ties your idea of freedom of expression into the previous description of the class setting. The next sentence does not finish, you start with unlike, but do not use a comparison so work on getting this thought properly worded. "They will apparently study not for the love of the subject or due to strong motivation but under compulsion which in turn can be a potential threat to the interests of the student. Therefore, the subject can have a maculated and negative impression on students' minds." are excellent sentences, but try to change the word "maculated" (stain) with a synonym for negative. You should be cautious of where you place this sentence: "For instance a monotonous and hypnotising monologue lectures are good enough to put an insomniac into sleep." It's placed after your closer for the thought, so it feels like a forced and unrelated thought. You should rewrite it as well, because in it's current state is does not make much sense. Be careful of using "he" or "she"; you should use "their" when you're referring to the teacher. Your final sentence needs more work. Remember, this is your chance to reiterate what you've been dying to say this entire time, as well as leave off with a final impression. It's your last chance to really "wow" the reader, and if the reader happens to be the grader, it may leave them with a better state of mind! ;)

It seems as though you are trying very hard to use "higher" level vocabulary, but by doing so you are sacrificing the flow of your sentences. As a thought is being formed its quickly hit with a word that, although is used properly, interrupts the stream of words before it. Overall, you have solid ideas, but the ways you try to state them include using sentences with extraneous information or some awkward words. Try to get the main point in a simple sentence and THEN work to build up the complexity, not vice versa.

Undergraduate / "Motivation to be the best - how I became president of HOSA" - UF essay [6]

Can you be more specific, as in from where to where is "awkward"? Any tips or specific sentences you feel should be altered (and how the altered version looks like)?