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Posts by CatY
Joined: Oct 14, 2011
Last Post: Oct 26, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 3
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CatY   
Oct 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "Getting to the Pointe" A Dancer's Common App Short Answer, Personal Essay [2]

I like the title, it's quite clever ;)
I think you do a nice job in describing your initial misgivings in your class. However, I think your last paragraph needs more explanation. I feel like it ends abruptly. How exactly did you arrive at your conclusion: "I'm became better, but I am not the best...I am okay with that." I think the essay would be stronger if you had a specific experience(s) to write about.

As for the essays being good enough, write about what you're passionate about (which in your case, is ballet). If you write about something that you're naturally attracted to, colleges would see the best parts of you (passion, motivation, intellectual vivacity etc.)

I hope that helps.
Cat
CatY   
Oct 25, 2011
Undergraduate / Princeton Quote Essay - "Palmetto Boys State Redo" [2]

Your essay is quite well written! You've got quite a paradigm shift going on.
I like how your conclusion ties together the different aspects you experienced in camp. The language is a little choppy and stilted at times.
I'm confused about the quote ("Six days will change the rest of your life")...is it from a book or essay? It doesn't appear to be. I think another quote that yields more depth should be used.

As for trimming down...*cracks knuckles*, let's see what we can do eh? I hope these changes aren't too drastic...
"Six days at Palmetto Boys State will change the rest of your life." These words fell dead before a crowd of nine hundred cynical and tired teenage guys. I had no idea what I was getting myself into and I was already waiting foralready wanted these six days to be over. My first impressions were not exactly good ones . The day had been a rush of pressed bodies in small rooms, shaking hands with strangers, and stark, barren dorms. So now, I was sitting here Where? A gym? A school? , tired and hungry listening to an array of boring speeches from different people. I started to get a hang of what was going on. I learned this camp was some sort of leadership/government camp where we were supposed to run for office to build confidence and teach us to be future leaders. They divided us into "cities" of about 40 guys, and these would be our family for the next week. Honestly, I knew none of this beforehand. and had been told to go by My guidance counselor told me to go because it "looked good for college." After the speeches, we eventually went to our rooms and we all attempted conversation with each other but it was awkward since we were strangers. Eventually, we went to bed and fell asleep on our cots.As I laid there I was thinkingAs I laid in my cot, I thought, "What did I get myself into?"
CatY   
Oct 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the Veterans Affairs Hospital in San Francisco Volunteering' Common Application [3]

Yes, common app ;)

Prompt: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

I'm worried that it's too run of the mill and boring. Should I even be worried about that? Hmm...Well commentary will be much appreciated :)

ALSO, I'm at 496 words so I barely squeaked under the word count.

********************************************************************** ******************************************************************
During the summer, I volunteered at the Veterans Affairs Hospital in San Francisco. I wore my bright purple scrubs ("Did you match the color to your gloves" joked one patient) while cleaning gurneys, setting up procedure rooms, and wheeling patients in and out. For lunch, I went to the cafeteria two stories below where the food was priced extra cheap for the veterans who couldn't afford anything else. I saw some were ragged, their clothes worn and faces lined. Had they passed me down the street, I would have avoided eye contact while clutching my bag tighter. In general, I was uneasy since everyone I worked with, including the patients, were so...different from me. Certainly not the people I met at school or in my neighborhood. Conversation that flowed so easily while I talked to teachers and friends was stuck in the back of my throat.

Paul was the receptionist for the department, dealing with patient paperwork. I never expected to befriend a sarcastic Boston native with bushy salt and pepper eyebrows. But from the nervous first hello's I began to strike up real conversations. We talked about anything from Dr. Phil to the frightening prospect of life after high school ("It's not about the type of college you get in, it's about being a good person" said Paul) to speaking with a Boston accent ("Hahhhvadd, Bawwston" I'd clumsily say). We were nothing alike, and yet we could relate with each other. It was like that everywhere in the department. The nurses, the secretaries, the doctors, and the patients were all so different. Paul (the nurse, not the receptionist) was a Philippine native and an amazing cook. Robert, the janitor, was a Vietnam Veteran. Deborah, the secretary, owned five dogs and had a killer sense of style. And I was the high school student who liked to joke and wear purple scrubs. And yet, everyone brought cake and cookies for birthdays or swapped jokes about the comings and goings within the hospital.

The initial discomfort gone, I would talk to the patients as they waited for their rides after the procedures. I paid no attention to their clothes, their ages, or other superficialities. I was interested in what they had to say. As the conversations ended, there was always a smile and a friendly handshake. One patient, Patrick, talked about science fiction with me. He looked completely relaxed, sitting on the wooden chair as I excitedly talked about Ray Bradbury and Robert A. Heinlein. Upon mentioning Heinlein, his blue eyes lit up and asked if I ever read Stranger in a Strange Land. I nodded my head. And there was something amazing about that. That two people with such different pasts as ours could enjoy the same book. Certainly, many things that differentiate people-ethnicity, education, economic status, etc.-influence, but do not summarize who a person is. That was the mistake I made. But regardless of the differences, they cannot eclipse the similarities people share.
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