maruko
Nov 26, 2011
maruko
Nov 17, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I come from a dangerous neighborhood in South Central LA' - UC prompt #1 [5]
"When I learned to speak English in school, our lives improved because it allowed me to communicate and translate for my parents." --you should eliminate the word "it"
"Afraid as I was, I gave him everything but he gave me something even more valuable, the resolve to work towards a better life for me and my family."--for my family and me
"My parents, also undocumented, can't find decent jobs, they are exploited, working 12 hours a day at minimum wage." -- need a semi colon instead of a comma
help with mine?
"When I learned to speak English in school, our lives improved because it allowed me to communicate and translate for my parents." --you should eliminate the word "it"
"Afraid as I was, I gave him everything but he gave me something even more valuable, the resolve to work towards a better life for me and my family."--for my family and me
"My parents, also undocumented, can't find decent jobs, they are exploited, working 12 hours a day at minimum wage." -- need a semi colon instead of a comma
help with mine?
maruko
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my bamboo world' - UC Admission [3]
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family,community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams
My essay seems to be wordy. Here it is (501 words):
As I leaned back in my chair, I looked out the window and saw a thousand of cold, wet drops striking the bamboo trees swaying in the light wind. Bamboo dancing in the rain broke the usual silence in the village. It felt good just to sit there and stared at this aesthetic scene. The scene solely was a stand of tall bamboo trees with no additional embellishment. I loved how a shot of nature gave me an opening to my tangled brain.-It was back three years ago, when I still lived in Vietnam. I was born, raised, and enjoyed my childhood with the presence of bamboo trees merely watching.
I could see those bamboo trees clingy to the world I came from. I was a house watcher when I reached the age of seven. Before went to work, my parents would always say, "stay home and study. Remember to shout out to the next door neighbors if any stranger walks in." I established my own comfort zone at home in my learning corner. I remember I would grab my first grade literature book and began to read. I excitedly recited the whole short story to my father every evening. There were a lot of stories I read ahead of my peers.
Growing older, I picked up more precious things. I fully understood the concept of "home alone": working alone in farm couldn't help enough to support the whole five-member family, so my parents had to heartlessly let their beloved child learn to be independent at home while themselves struggling to earn for a living. It was poverty and lack of opportunities. I told myself not to let it overcome my potential. The bamboo was the role model I followed: standing tall, growing green year round despite of the brutal condition nature earth gave.
Witnessing how many times my parents worried if there would be an abundant crop of rice every year, I was determined to do my best at school to bring home a certificate of excellent student at the end of school year. My mother said, "Your excelled accomplishments at school are the best gift you give to me and to yourself." I understood that good education was the path led me to free from poverty. Coming from a hard-working family was an invisible weapon kept me stay truth to my aspiration.
My parents finally got the chance to enjoy a so-called luxury as they became U.S. permanent residents during the summer of my ninth grade year (the summer of 2009). Living in America gave me an opportunity to aim for better life and better education. I no longer saw my mom's anxious face every time I asked her for money to buy school textbooks or pay tuition.
I told myself not to let the new language become a barrier on my journey to success in America. I worked through tons of grammar problems and stopped at various English learning Youtube channels. I felt grateful every time I heard my classmates said, "Oh, I got it" as I helped them on their math problem: they gave me opportunities to practice my English. The world where I came from gave me the willingness to accept any challenge and surpass any obstacle on my way to new opportunity.
Enduring poverty gave me determination to work for a better life through good education. As I closed my eyes, my intangible mind imaginably flowed to the dancing rain along with the bamboo trees like I usually did back in my childhood.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family,community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams
My essay seems to be wordy. Here it is (501 words):
As I leaned back in my chair, I looked out the window and saw a thousand of cold, wet drops striking the bamboo trees swaying in the light wind. Bamboo dancing in the rain broke the usual silence in the village. It felt good just to sit there and stared at this aesthetic scene. The scene solely was a stand of tall bamboo trees with no additional embellishment. I loved how a shot of nature gave me an opening to my tangled brain.-It was back three years ago, when I still lived in Vietnam. I was born, raised, and enjoyed my childhood with the presence of bamboo trees merely watching.
I could see those bamboo trees clingy to the world I came from. I was a house watcher when I reached the age of seven. Before went to work, my parents would always say, "stay home and study. Remember to shout out to the next door neighbors if any stranger walks in." I established my own comfort zone at home in my learning corner. I remember I would grab my first grade literature book and began to read. I excitedly recited the whole short story to my father every evening. There were a lot of stories I read ahead of my peers.
Growing older, I picked up more precious things. I fully understood the concept of "home alone": working alone in farm couldn't help enough to support the whole five-member family, so my parents had to heartlessly let their beloved child learn to be independent at home while themselves struggling to earn for a living. It was poverty and lack of opportunities. I told myself not to let it overcome my potential. The bamboo was the role model I followed: standing tall, growing green year round despite of the brutal condition nature earth gave.
Witnessing how many times my parents worried if there would be an abundant crop of rice every year, I was determined to do my best at school to bring home a certificate of excellent student at the end of school year. My mother said, "Your excelled accomplishments at school are the best gift you give to me and to yourself." I understood that good education was the path led me to free from poverty. Coming from a hard-working family was an invisible weapon kept me stay truth to my aspiration.
My parents finally got the chance to enjoy a so-called luxury as they became U.S. permanent residents during the summer of my ninth grade year (the summer of 2009). Living in America gave me an opportunity to aim for better life and better education. I no longer saw my mom's anxious face every time I asked her for money to buy school textbooks or pay tuition.
I told myself not to let the new language become a barrier on my journey to success in America. I worked through tons of grammar problems and stopped at various English learning Youtube channels. I felt grateful every time I heard my classmates said, "Oh, I got it" as I helped them on their math problem: they gave me opportunities to practice my English. The world where I came from gave me the willingness to accept any challenge and surpass any obstacle on my way to new opportunity.
Enduring poverty gave me determination to work for a better life through good education. As I closed my eyes, my intangible mind imaginably flowed to the dancing rain along with the bamboo trees like I usually did back in my childhood.