Undergraduate / 'raised solely by my mother' - How my community and family have shaped me [7]

You've really improved it and I'm not just saying that because you helped me revise my essay haha. It was a touching essay and I got a good idea of who you are and where you come from. I have a sense that the second revision you posted is better than the first one because the rewording is a bit better and it gets to the idea better. Although I think you'd need to revise the last paragraph, for example,

Although being inside my house has always been a constant reminder of hardships, being outside makes me happy. I enjoy the community that I live in. Living in Milpitas has allowed me to meet people with different ethnic backgrounds and social classes. I've gained friends that I never could have met anywhere else. Meeting all of these people has further motivated me to venture out of this city and explore the unknown. I believe that the lifestyle and the values that I've had since I was a child have greatly prepared me for my future. I know that life isn't a walk in a park, and hard work is needed to be successful.

I would change it like:

Since living in my home has always been a reminder of the hardships I went through, I enjoy being outside in my community. Living in Milpitas has allowed me to meet people with different ethnic backgrounds and social classes. I've gained friends that I never could have met anywhere else. Meeting these people has further motivated me to venture out of this city and explore the unknown. I believe that the lifestyle and the values that I've had since I was a child have greatly prepared me for my future. I've learned that life isn't a walk in a park and hard work is needed to be successful.

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Of course,this is just my opinion and if you don't agree with me, you shouldn't revise it as I did. I hoped I helped!!

Overall, good job on the prompt and good luck with the apps!!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: My own war [13]

Thanks for your feedback, solid penguin! I too thought the last paragraph needed help with the second prompt. I hope you the best of luck with your applications too :)

Undergraduate / 'raised solely by my mother' - How my community and family have shaped me [7]

I thought it was nicely written and you fulfill the prompt well but I think you need to add more to what your dreams and aspirations are. It did give me a good picture of how the community and your family shaped you as a person though. But it seemed like the prompt is also interested in what and who you aspire to be so be sure to add in more of those details.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: My own war [13]

Wow, thank you for all your opinions. I've definitely taken all of them in my thoughts and changed a lot of my essay. If you can, please read the revised version and leave me some feedback. I've definitely taken out all of the curse words and quotations, just so it doesn't sound so negative. Also I'm concerned if it's a bad idea to write in second person and address to the reader?? Because I say "you" a lot. Also, I'm using the word "war" as a metaphor...Anyway, I've posted both of the prompts onto this entry because I forgot to add it and figured I'd need help with both prompts. Thank you all for helping me!

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Prompt #1
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field--such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in organizations and activities--and what you have gained from your involvement.

The day I declared Psychology as my major, everything felt rightfully at peace. When I transferred to a new high school in 2006, my friends recommended AP Psychology. I didn't have a clear idea of psychology before but I took it because it seemed interesting. I registered for the class during my senior year and it was one of the best decisions I've made in my life. Not only did I have a fun and educated teacher but I also found it as one of my favorite classes because there was never a dull moment. I was fed with extraordinary information on a daily basis about the explanations of the human mind. I envisioned myself in the field of psychology in the near future. I've never had any official experience in psychology but I apply it to my everyday life by relating theories and the ideas into my thoughts. For example, there was a time when I had social anxiety and in class, I learned that if I recognize my anxiety and try to suppress it by forcing myself to think happy thoughts, everything would get better. I enjoy thinking psychologically and reading anything associated with the study of the mind. Thanks to my Psychology class and teacher, I've gained the knowledge to view situations and ideas at an angle as a researcher and an observer. I also learned from my psychology class and psychological observations from my everyday life is to have an open mind in other people's feelings and perspectives. I've gathered a skill to comprehend more flexible and to analyze for attainable solutions from the discipline of Psychology. Earlier in the year, I changed my major to art history because I was confused and curious whether which would make me happier. But after taking art history classes, I figured it wasn't me. With full confidence, I switched it back to Psychology. That experience helped me realize how positive I am about Psychology as my major. I am completely comfortable with it and I strongly imagine myself in therapy and helping people through their tough times and struggles as well as the field of Psychology has helped me.

Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

I read a book in middle school and a statement stuck with me; it stated that war is a bad word. I didn't understand because I never got in trouble for saying war aloud. Now that I'm older, I've learned the true meaning of the word. For me, the war I had was never-ending. I thought the keys for survival were to let go and surrender. My personal battle started when I was younger. I was unhappy with my life and wished for more. My parents love me but they had funny ways of showing it. I am the oldest of three and was mature for my age by seven. I lived the life as a third parent. My parents already had high expectations and I felt the pressure. I wanted to escape from my life and a way of doing this was secretly pretending to be other people and that I had their life.

The earliest memory was after watching a movie about an alien leaving to Earth because she got into trouble at home in outer space. It was fascinating for me because it was odd and adventurous. I would watch the movie over and over and the next day, I acted like I was her. It made life more interesting to wake up one day and act that I was from outer space! As I got older, I started to unconsciously mirror my friends. I imitated their actions. It got intense to the point I began thinking like them. Whenever a tough situation appeared in my life, I would think about what they'd do in the position rather than what I would've done and in my fullest potential, do whatever they'd have done even though I didn't support it. This kept going on for a few years until I finally got a wake up call. I've realized that I was a combination of everyone I knew and I suddenly didn't know who I was and felt like a duplicate. I was so far from my reality that I've abandoned my life and family. I wasn't involved when I should've been and this is my biggest regret. I reminisced my past and it grasped to me on how much I've wasted my time pretending. This awareness made me depressed because I didn't know who I was and lost my childhood trying to be others when I could've been myself. I wanted to rewind and go back to the old Michelle. I wished someone told me that I was beautiful and not to be ashamed the way I was and taught me that the way of life is to always progress.

This is a personal experience because it is a huge influence, which given me a new perspective and meaning of life. I've accepted who I am today, my past, and don't want to waste another second trying to be someone I'm not. I'm now seeking individuality and the opportunity to blossom to the person I am aspiring to be, which is someone strong and passionate about what she loves to do. I used to be so weak and timid. What I've learned in this lesson is to always move forward and to believe. Before I was my own worst enemy. I was consistently conflicting and fighting against myself. That war is over because in the end, I saved myself and rebirth to a whole new healthy living me.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: My own war [13]

I know it's a bit negative but what I'm going for is at the end, is to make it positive, which I thought it was. Are you suggesting I change the entire idea of the prompt and write about something else? I thought the last paragraph is very positive. Thanks all for the feedback, by the way. I appreciate it!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: My own war [13]

pokiworms
Can you be more specific in how it's rebellious? Should I tone down the emotions a bit and keep it PG? Like I shouldn't curse??? Is that the rebellious part you're talking about? And what parts are unclear to you??

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: My own war [13]

Sorry I forgot to include this: Prompt #2- Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Thanks