failedsleeper
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My Indian origin' - Brown Supplement [6]
This essay seems very comprehensive for its size. I noticed a few details that you could change, though.
As I was reading the essay, I wondered why you made the distinction between "culture" and "heritage." Though distinguishing between the two is certainly valid, I feel like you might want to put less emphasis on the difference unless you intend to incorporate the difference later in your essay and use it to make some kind of point.
Also:
"Without any of these vital aspects of life, my perspective of the world and my future would differ; thus, my aspirations and goals in life would be dissimilar."
This sentence, to me, seems a bit too formal, sort of like an unnecessary syllogism, and also seems kind of rough. Also, there's an error in the first prepositional phrase because it implies that the "vital aspects" belong to your "perspective of the world" and your "future." Overall, I would make this sentence more general, and probably shorten it.
In this:
"the Indian community has shaped me by influencing my style of life and resulting decisions."
I would remove the passive voice and write:
"the Indian community has influenced... [or 'has shaped'-stronger verb]." And you could probably just change "style of life and resulting decisions" to "lifestyle," as currently the sentence seems to have some unnecessary baggage. You could also explain these "decisions," if you feel they might garner the interest of the admissions committee.
"It is with these views that I have become a unique individual having both Indian and American influences ."
red - This phrase seems redundant.
blue - The reader already knows this. Perhaps you could, instead of repeating that both Indian and American cultures have influenced you, write about what political, religious, and moral views you hold as a result of these culture influences. After all, having Indian and American influences isn't really unique, considering the number of people holding such influences.
Due to my diversity, I am able to accept and respect other cultures and their point-of-views .
red - This should be "points of view."
Overall, your essay is good! I only dissected it for minor errors. One thing that you might want to do is mention specific beliefs, views, or religious stances - any concrete idea that stems from the influence of your Indian culture and heritage, perhaps one that you are proud of or hold especially strongly.
This essay seems very comprehensive for its size. I noticed a few details that you could change, though.
As I was reading the essay, I wondered why you made the distinction between "culture" and "heritage." Though distinguishing between the two is certainly valid, I feel like you might want to put less emphasis on the difference unless you intend to incorporate the difference later in your essay and use it to make some kind of point.
Also:
"Without any of these vital aspects of life, my perspective of the world and my future would differ; thus, my aspirations and goals in life would be dissimilar."
This sentence, to me, seems a bit too formal, sort of like an unnecessary syllogism, and also seems kind of rough. Also, there's an error in the first prepositional phrase because it implies that the "vital aspects" belong to your "perspective of the world" and your "future." Overall, I would make this sentence more general, and probably shorten it.
In this:
"the Indian community has shaped me by influencing my style of life and resulting decisions."
I would remove the passive voice and write:
"the Indian community has influenced... [or 'has shaped'-stronger verb]." And you could probably just change "style of life and resulting decisions" to "lifestyle," as currently the sentence seems to have some unnecessary baggage. You could also explain these "decisions," if you feel they might garner the interest of the admissions committee.
"It is with these views that I have become a unique individual having both Indian and American influences ."
red - This phrase seems redundant.
blue - The reader already knows this. Perhaps you could, instead of repeating that both Indian and American cultures have influenced you, write about what political, religious, and moral views you hold as a result of these culture influences. After all, having Indian and American influences isn't really unique, considering the number of people holding such influences.
Due to my diversity, I am able to accept and respect other cultures and their point-of-views .
red - This should be "points of view."
Overall, your essay is good! I only dissected it for minor errors. One thing that you might want to do is mention specific beliefs, views, or religious stances - any concrete idea that stems from the influence of your Indian culture and heritage, perhaps one that you are proud of or hold especially strongly.
