Writing Feedback / TOEFL - People work to earn money to have welfare [3]

@stellastella
It is a 228 word essay.
If you wish to score 27+ in TOEFL essay, it should be at least 350-400 words.

A Simple Template : (At least 5 paragraphs)
1. Introduction
2. First Point. Example
3. Second Point. Example
4. Counter Arguments that some people might point. And how you counter them...
5. Conclusion

PS : I am new to this forum. I am not sure if only moderaters are suposed to review essays here. If so, kindly ignore my comment. :)