Undergraduate / 'A flash of black and white' - Introduce yourself to Penn [NEW]

Feedback anyone? Also, how can I cut this down a bit? It's supposed to be approx. 150 words, but its 209...

Prompt: Optional short essay (approximately 150 words): introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.

A flash of black and white rolled by stopped at my feet. I picked up the ball and threw it back to the players, noticing their swift, graceful formations. I felt an odd, almost magnetic pull, towards the field and I suddenly ran and joined the game. Although it was clear after a few passes that soccer was not an innate talent for me, the pull of the sport grew stronger within me, and I treasured every practice. My stumbles on the field had the effect of a tonic rather than cause for sorrow, and my spirits rose as I improved increasingly. My teammates encouraged me more as they acknowledged my improvement, and I discovered the source of the 'pull': it was the synergy of the team, the delight of being part of a group in which every individual needed each other and shared a common sense of direction and community that attracted me. It is comparable to a flock of geese; the uplift created by the whole flock adds 71% greater flying range than if each bird flew alone. It is this 'pull' that has given me the passion for my other endeavors as a student, athlete, and member of my community, and I continue to cherish it.

Undergraduate / General supplemental - travel experiences in india [2]

Can someone give me some feedback on this?

Prompt: Occasionally, students feel that college application forms do not provide sufficient opportunity to convey important information about themselves or their accomplishments. If there is something you would like us to know, please inform us below. If you wish to include an additional essay, you may do so.

They lived in small, durable huts made of a hardened mixture of cow manure, mud, and clay, with thatched roofs that often needed repair. Their stoves were made of the same natural material, with a small fire to cook the scruples of food they had. Electricity was sparse; there was a single light bulb in the house that flickered in the dark. I can especially recall the pride and humility with which the people of the village took my family around their village and vast fields, showing us the outcome of their lives' hard work. The inhabitants of this village had the bare minimum for survival, and yet the elderly woman of a distant relation to my grandmother stood there, waving a 100 rupee note in the air and beseeching me to accept it, as is the tradition of older family members towards the younger generation. Her kind gestures of love and generosity even while living a destitute life in India opened my eyes to the hearts of poverty-stricken lives.

For the first time in my life, at 10 years of age, these people meant more to me than a mere statistic describing the development of a country. The overcrowding and poverty that is dominant in India was first made apparent to me on this visit the summer before fifth grade; children dressed in rags crowded around the car as we drove on the dirt roads, begging for money to buy their next meal. It broke my heart to see how poverty had snatched away the childhoods of four-year-olds who walked the streets, scavenging for food.

A couple of years ago, when I visited India again, I had made up my mind to do what I could to directly help those who suffered. My mother and I visited the slum area to donate clothes to the poor, but even after what I had seen of India's poverty in the village, I was shocked by their living conditions. To get a few buckets of water they had to line-up in front of a tap from which the water flowed ever so slowly and that too was restricted to couple of hours a day. The lack of sanitation was obvious, giving rise to dreaded germs and diseases. Everything that was usually available to me at the push of a button or the flip of a switch was hard for them to come by, and the education they received was abysmal. I realized how lucky I was for the sacrifices that my parents made to make sure that I had a roof over my head, with plenty to eat and everyday to devote to education. An event that stood out in my memory was our visit to a home of two 12th grade village girls, sisters, who were top two rankers in the whole city, one of whom aspired to be a doctor, and the other, an engineer. They couldn't afford a college education; therefore, their dreams were shattered and careers ended abruptly, and at that tender age they resigned to their fate, accepting household chores as their main goal. This made me wonder about the number of losses the world had suffered because of unfortunate situations such as theirs. Less than a year later, I became involved in raising funds for schools in poverty-stricken villages in India through an organization called Ekal Vidyalaya, inspired by the situation of the two girls.

I felt that these sisters were strikingly similar to my sister and me in terms of aspirations but so different in terms of resources available. This, coupled with my other experiences living in India for just a few weeks, made me believe that service is a responsibility that we hold towards the humanity. Just as we help our immediate family, I believe the human race as one global family and should extend whatever help we could. I am thankful that I get opportunities to serve and it makes me feel and experience the phrase, "Service is its own reward."