Unanswered [12] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Snowflakes
Joined: Dec 23, 2011
Last Post: Jan 21, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 8  

From: Canada

Displayed posts: 9
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Snowflakes   
Jan 21, 2012
Undergraduate / George Washington U: "Orientation Towards Success" RISKY Essay [5]

I like how you're being honest about why you applied. Still, maybe you could focus a little bit less on the negatives. Mentioning a few specific negative points is okay, to show that you actually researched the university, but don't dwell on them so much. Also, after "As disappointing as this was, it didn't stop me from learning more about the school", you begin to use 'you' a lot. This is an essay about yourself, and you shouldn't talk to the reader. You should show them through examples and stories who you are. You probably get this a lot, but here it is again: show, don't tell!
Snowflakes   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'found a job at a local store' - essay [8]

Good story, but focus more on your conclusion and how you are motivated to excel and prove yourself despite what others think. Also, it would be helpful to show your determination through a short story, like maybe the first day of working, or a stressful day that was very packed, which you managed to balance well. Focus on showing your strengths and character, not telling the reader. Also, just as Amira mentioned, be more clear about who was sitting in the chair, and connect your paragraphs so that your essay flows. As of now, the paragraph "Sitting at his chair with his hands leaning on the table..." is out of place. Weave it into your story more naturally.
Snowflakes   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Imran Khan, Pakistan' - Common app Essay - Influential person [8]

Seeing as his influence has caused you to like math and politics, which you didn't have much interest in before, I think you can emphasize them both in your last paragraph. Restate the change he worked in you, and by naming both math and politics your previous paragraphs will become firmly connected. Then, you also can mention how you want to go into business. End with how Khan will not only influence you in the past and present, but also in your future career. Discuss how his attitude and work ethic will affect you as a business manager.

Basically, make sure your conclusion outlines your essay in a way that is organized and restates the most important points. Khan's speech, his influence on your life, and his likely future influence on you and your career.

End with a strong closing sentence! :)

And can you review my essay?
Snowflakes   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Princeton influential person essay [8]

This is the Princeton supplement. It asks for about 500 words and gives a character limit of 5000. So, I'm safe :)
Thanks, that's really encouraging! But does this essay show enough about myself?
Snowflakes   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Stanford Undergrad Admissions - What matters to you and why? -- Trusting myself [8]

Maybe cut out a bit on the technicalities in the beginning, and focus more on your conclusion. How did you trust yourself? How did it change you? Show why trusting yourself was so important, and how it'll continue to be important in helping you succeed and 'fly'.

Otherwise, I think that this is a strong story. Love your humor and imagery!

Just go through everything and make sure that every sentence is relevant to the point you are trying to get across. With a character limit, you don't want any unnecessary details weighing you down!

Could you also take a look at my essay?
Snowflakes   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Captain" - Harvard Supplement- The prompt is write about anything [32]

In Zimbabwe , like in every African country , soccer is played and practiced with such dedication one might assume it's one of the severalmain religions practiced on the continent . In Zimbabwe, My brothers and I used to play soccer in the streets from dawn till dusk, with each of us dreaming of becoming the next Pele.

Soccer was our altar, and we all aspired to one day win the world cup for our country, just as we had conquered our neighbors.

On the 20th of March, 2006, our dream looked possible when our father walked in the living room and screamed, "Mwari ari ko, tiri kuenda ku America!"What does this phrase mean?

It's really long. The concluding paragraphs about yourself are very strong, though. I like it :)
But you could cut some of the middle details out. For example, you could talk less about your brother's experience of discrimination in the team, and also your own. Choose only the most important points and elaborate on those. You don't need to repeat too much, and I think that the AO's will appreciate brevity. All you need to do is show how you were being discriminated, describe your internal struggle, and show what steps you took to fix this. Read through and cut out any extra information that doesn't support your essay. Don't feel too attached to your writing.

From Because of the skills we had acquired playing to thus leading to our stonewall there is some unnecessary repetition. That's the part you can cut down on, I think. But that's just my opinion. Feel free to ignore my advice :)
Snowflakes   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Princeton influential person essay [8]

Prompt: Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way

Something was wrong. I could feel it in the air, in my mother's slight frown, in my father's silence. I was still young, but when my father left right after the New Year, I knew that something out of the ordinary was occurring.

To me, my father was just a regular guy, working away at his computer, spending time playing sports with us, and organizing vacations. I loved him, but I never thought of him as anything other than my 'Daddy'. He was a consistent family man, and always planned months ahead for any vacation or outing. That is why it was strange for him to leave for China without advance notice.

Years later, upon entering high school, I began to uncover my father's amazing experiences. As I was learning about his past in China and his experience going through the Cultural Revolution, this story also came out. It was an intriguing story, with a villain, victims, and a hero. And my father was the hero.

This is what happened:
My father received a phone call from two of his old LA friends. They were being kept under watch in a hotel in Shanghai, and were asking my father for help.

The cause for their predicament was a faulty investment of a million dollars. They had been deceived into trusting a stranger, who had befriended and encouraged them to invest in a business he would start in Shanghai. However, when they went to Shanghai to find out how the business was going, they were kidnapped. It was a total robbery.

This scammer was undoubtedly backed up by friends in high positions. Cheating people out of their money was common in China, and barely anyone would be willing to run against the natural flow of things, however unfair it was. My father was not afraid, though, and he quickly went to work as soon as he arrived at Shanghai, starting by freeing his friends. He was able to do this because of his powerful connections with people in the government, for he used to work as a government official. The next few days he spent creating a plan of action, and working out any kinks. First, he would seek government approval and the law enforcement's support. Then, with a little bit of intimidation, he would be able to trap the scammer.

It was priceless to hear of his confrontation with the scammer, of how this tall, confident, deceitful businessman was reduced to a trembling, anxious bundle of fears before my father. It was priceless to hear how justice was dealt, and how good triumphed over evil in a world where corruption so often reigns.

My father accomplished the seemingly impossible and did what most feared to do, in the name of justice. He chose to use his power and influence to assist those in need, stepping up when nobody else would or could. His courage in the face of such danger and opposition has inspired me to face my own fears, and open up to others. Before, when guests with children came over for dinner, I would be reluctant to start conversations with the other kids. Now, after seeing how my father took the initiative and the responsibility to save others, I cannot help but be moved to do likewise. I began to take the first step in greeting others, and getting to know them, rather than waiting for them to speak first, despite my natural shyness.

In addition to all this, with every reason to boast and take the rewards for his help, my father didn't. He began his mission selflessly, and ended it selflessly. His two friends offered a large share of the business to my father, as compensation for all that he did. My father refused, and asked only for a ticket back to Canada. Thank you, good-bye, and then back to life as a father, husband, and worker. I realized that the greatest people are the humblest ones, the people who can achieve the impossible and then wave it off by saying, "Oh, it was nothing."

My father taught me by example humility with service. Helping others is not about showing off what I'm capable of, or how great I am. It is about doing what is right and serving others. After all, it is not the high position that will eventually influence people, but the integrity and moral courage to stand up to the unjust that will have lasting impact on them. I want to follow in my father's footsteps, to realize my fullest potential, with the aim to serve others - not myself.
Snowflakes   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Imran Khan, Pakistan' - Common app Essay - Influential person [8]

It is said that "where there's a will, there's a way". One such epitome of this aphorism is the legend, Imran Khan. To be honest, I'm not someone who gets impressed by others easily and I'm looking to find flaws and shortcomings in even the most successful of peopleI'm not easily impressed, because I always search for flaws and shortcomings in even the most successful people . However, the cricketer-turned-politician of Pakistan, my homeland , Imran Khan, has had a profound influence on me.

This realization has awakened my patriotism and consequently induced a fierce, incessant anger over the egregious, corrupt and dishonest political elite of the country which I covet to see dethroned to make way for positive change.

Perhaps you can state your opinion in a way that is less harsh. Maybe say "dishonest political elite of the country whose existence prevents any positive progress."

The last paragraph seems a bit misplaced. Either place it somewhere in the middle of your essay, where you're still talking about Imran Khan, and weave it in, or elaborate more, so that it doesn't sound like an afterthought. Make sure your conclusion is strong!
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