Unanswered [14] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by omgskl
Joined: Dec 28, 2011
Last Post: Dec 29, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 4  

From: Canada

Displayed posts: 5
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
omgskl   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'never made it to the finals round' - What Matters to you and Why? - Stanford [9]

It's really good, through your personal experience you really got your message out.

however, the flow between sentences might need a bit work, especially between paragraphs. insert some transitions and see how it sounds.

overall i really like it!

check out my commonapp essay too =]
omgskl   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'medicine is my calling' - Duke Short Essay-help revise [7]

I like your essay, it's very duke specific, flows well and shows that you've done research.
I dont see any more grammar flaws except for the ones already pointed out

and I agree with Collegehopfuls, I think beginning with the "doctor" game would be attention grabber, but thats just my opinion
omgskl   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "Did you dye it?" - Commonapp main essay [5]

hey thank you SOOO much for reading over my essay!!

anything else I should change? where are the places that are not very strong?
I'm still not quite sure about the ending.
omgskl   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Dear Admissions Staff, I don't give a Shih Tzu' [19]

i love this essay!!! its really cute and definitely creative and unique. grabbed my attention at the very first sentence.

not arrogant at all, i think its very clever.
but i agree with BigBoob15 , there are too many "she's", it seems like you are listing things. unless thats how you want to get your message across

overall i really love this =) (i'm applying to nyu as well!)
omgskl   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "Did you dye it?" - Commonapp main essay [5]

My Brown Hair

My hair is brown, not dyed, not highlighted; I was born with it. My hair grows fast; ever since the age of 5, it's been growing along with my wonder and curiosity towards the world. Ok, it may seem like the topic of my hair is totally irrelevant, but, I have to explain, being a "typical Asian girl" as people identify me, having brown hair has brought me some tremendous frustrations in life.

Growing up in an Asian community, everyone around me had black hair. People would always be amazed by my hair color. "Did you dye it?" They would ask. "Is it due to genetic mutation?" My hair amazed them like the 8th wonder in the world. I hated having brown hair; I hated getting all the attention. I hated being different.

Just as I thought that my brown hair could finally fit in the "norm" when moving to North America, I found that the same queries continued to follow me: "Did you dye it?" "Why is your hair not the same as the rest of the Asians?" Everywhere I go there are people fascinated by my hair color and showed disbelief when I swore I never dyed it. "Typical Asian girls always have black hair." They say. "Asian" is what I was defined as.

I soon realized it's not the hair color but the presumption of Asian girl image that brought me these assumptions: "all Asians are supposed to have black hair; all Asians are naturally good at math; all Asians are bad drivers; all Asians eat rice every day; all Asian parents force their kids to study all night; all Asians..." These presumptions make a rigid box that I supposedly "belong"; many would first throw me in this box for a quick judgement before even digging for who I am. Within this invisible categorical boundary that limits me, unfortunately, an obvious aberration was my brown hair. People would show disbelief, not trusting their eyes because the constructed stereotypical category is destructed by my outrageous brown hair. My hair, acts out the rebel in me, flows outside of the rigid box and expunges the boundary and definition of who I am.

Who am I? I am Asian with small eyes, though I'm not a born math genius; in fact, I have to work extra hard to get that high A in math class. According to my driving coach, I am by far the most meticulous driver on the road. I don't eat rice every day and I love trying food from different culture. My parents force me to sleep while I climb out my bed and force myself to study. I do not bury myself in books, instead, I like to step out the doors and create my butterfly effect to change the world for the better. These are what I am truly; along with my differently-colored hair, these facts create a genetic map of who I am as an individual, different from the stereotypical presumption, trespass the categorical boundaries, transcend the limit of any definition.

This is actually my 3rd attempt to write the essay (changed the topic many times), and I ended up with this topic (prompt 6: the topic of your choice) I'm kinda afraid it's too lighthearted and too weird...

there are probably tons of grammar errors in the esssay, so can someone please help me edit? :)
any critique is greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Do You Need
Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳