Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by pitchfork
Joined: Dec 28, 2011
Last Post: Dec 28, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 4  


Displayed posts: 6
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
pitchfork   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / When You Didn't Exist (M&Ms and Solipsism) - Common App Essay [8]

Please critique my Common App Essay! "When You Didn't Exist"

Okay, this is my third and so far final attempt at a common app essay. It's also option #6, "topic of your choice." It's about solipsism, please judge the essay, not me!

Solipsists deny the legitimate existence of anything or anyone else but themselves; and I, in all my morality and firm belief in God, was once one of them.

Of my stranger attributes, I have the ability to recollect even the most shaded of memories from wherever they've been stored. In some ways, this helps me analyze the life I've led by being able to relive it. Every conscious thought, every previous state of mind, any image I can bring before me with the same clarity as if it had happened moments ago. I can remember pleasant scenes, like daffodils, swaying indecisively in the early spring breeze. Brighter than Kraft cheese, but probably not as palatable. Every morning or so, I would endeavor with my mother on these long walks throughout my extended neighborhood planted in the middle of D.C. suburbia. I couldn't have been more than three years old, yet I would run far ahead on the concrete path, and stand in wait of my mother, who slowly pushed the stroller carrying my newborn baby brother along the moss-stained sidewalks. I liked to observe. It was my observation of the daffodils outside my neighbor's house that led me into solipsism fourteen years before I would even learn the word for it.

Everything seemed more beautiful in the belief that none of it was real. The clouds, the sky, the daffodils, Pokémon, they were all for me. I felt alone, but empowered. I never realized this at the time, but I can now deduce that the reason for me to lean towards such a majestic idea was simple. In solipsism, I could justify my own loneliness. I could also kick the mushrooms growing at the side of the street curbs into oblivion without feeling guilty about it. Unfortunately, I still had much to learn.

Now seventeen, I am no longer a solipsist. What I tried to fill the void with resulted in stretching the hole. Undoubtedly, I now cannot deny the existence of anything, regardless of whether or not I see it, feel it, taste it, or believe it. I could not live in dire certainty. The beauty of the daffodils was never found in their color or in their dance. They are beautiful because they are. I only wish that I could understand the world around me as easily as I accepted the notion that the world was not real. Some days, I am ashamed to say that I could not be bothered by the meaning of life. I have gone from being a nihilist, to a solipsist, to a pessimist, and possibly to more "ists" than of what I know the meanings of. Now, I am sure that, no matter what the purpose of our being is, I shall not sacrifice my life any further in striving to find it. I believe that it is inevitable that I shall stumble upon it someday, perhaps under the next wild mushroom I decide to kick into oblivion.
pitchfork   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Do you enjoy running?' - common app short essay [6]

I have a question asked by many people. Do you enjoy running?
You might want to insert a colon between those two sentences, so it'd be "I have a question asked by many people: Do you enjoy running?"

Most people consider running as tiring and boring sport.
It's grammatically correct to say "Most people consider running to be a tiring and boring sport."

However, it is comfortable above all to run for me.
You could say "However, above all, I find the most comfort in running," or something like that.

I put my hand on a starting line by the signal called "set", and then all my senses centralize in my ear.
Since you seem to be opting to describe a scene that you live out often, you could emphasize on describing it like that.
"I put my hand on the starting line. The signal is called. Set! Suddenly, all of my senses centralize in my ear. .

[i[It stops at time and hears nothing. [/i]
Perhaps you want to clarify what "it" is? Like " The non-stop flow of adrenaline, pumping through my body stops and I hear nothing. Time!

My heart becomes empty but at the moment when a pistol has begun to sound I start running step by step as if I satisfy the heart.

Just fix up the grammar and word choice a bit. "My heart empties, but at the moment when the pistol fires , I start running, step by step, satisfying my heart.

Wind strongly blows my body, the world in front of me changes and I become a flash of wind.
Sounds cool!

I forget to move my foot and go to the goal as if I fly.
Also cool!

After having finished running, I said what is your question?
Here you could say "After I am finished running, I catch my breath, and ask... what is your question?

I really like the subject of your short essay! Maybe you want to talk more about how you feel when you run, the excitement, what it means to you, if there's any memories that you can associate with running. Great job!
pitchfork   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "I Am Undefined" - Common App Essay [2]

This is the the second of three essays I am considering to submit as my common app essay. I put this under option #6, "topic of your choice."

Since childhood, I have been aware that I am different from everyone else. However, growing up in Northern Virginia's D.C. suburbia, my odd name, olive skin, and tendency to eat a lot of rice had never interfered so much. Life as an Arab-American was okay. However, after the tragic events of 9/11, an identity crisis had been violently birthed, and has since then been constantly growing inside of me, gnawing at my sense of self, forcing me to question who I really am and ultimately what I am worth.

For the remaining years I had lived in Virginia, I was reprimanded for being a traitor to my country; and, unfortunately, when I moved to the United Arab Emirates soon afterwards, I was instead scorned for "losing" other half of my heritage. I speak broken Arabic, I prefer to bang my head to Sweden's Amon Amarth than to swerve my hips to the pop beats of Lebanon's Nancy Ajram, and I would never eat so much as a tablespoon of tabouleh. Apparently, such details have led to the general disapproval of my existence. So, where do I belong?

What few seem to realize is that there is more to me, and everyone else for that matter, than ethnicity. "Diversity" has become such a distasteful word, bringing to mind mere ethnical denominations. Whether one is Caucasian, Latino, African, or Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, or different in any other aspect of one's lifestyle does not necessarily control who they are or what they can contribute to society. I am more than part of an ethnic and religious demographic. I am both anemic and asthmatic. Metal is the most recurring genre on my mp3 player. Although I'm considerably sociable, my steel-toe boots, multi-colored hair, and all-black wardrobe finds a way to disguise that characteristic. My favorite Pokémon is Blastoise. As a child, I was a solipsist. Now, I'm an optimistic cynic. I shall never enforce views on anyone; however, I will always stand up for what I believe is right.

Just because I cannot define who I am, it does not mean I am not who I am, nor does it mean that I don't know what I want to do with my life. Someday, I hope to bridge the gap between worlds through my writing, and revamp the term "diversity" for the better. Over the years, I have experienced first-hand the many different individuals around me, and I have cultivated the aspiration to change what we know, what we seem to know, and what we simply don't know about each other. My dream is to help bring humankind closer together, one page at a time, so that we may transcend our differences and work towards a life our forefathers could never perceive nor achieve. I want to make a difference, and opening the hearts and minds of others seems to be the best one I can ever hope to accomplish. This is who I am, and my cause is what I am worth.
pitchfork   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'University is an important phase in life' - Dear Roommate - Babson Prompt [4]

I like your letter, especially when you bring out the good points in you like being able to cook, but there's an overall serious tone that might make the admissions officers uneasy. Like, this is how you introduce yourself to another person, try to forget that it's actually an application supplement, but try to sound as cool and charismatic and interesting without seeming so... it just felt a bit heavy, that's all. I think it's because you started off talking about fate.

You sound like a great intellectual, I'd love you meet you, but you sound a bit formal and admissions-officers-aware in this one.

My advice is to open a new document, think about this letter, and try to rewrite it in a more chilled-down tone. Go back and reinsert important parts if you forget any, but try to sound more relaxed, and try not to sound so Babson-infatuated. Sure, let them know you love the school, but don't end up sounding like you're trying a lot. I mean I know you want to get in, and you should totally go for it dude, but be cool, be yourself.

Great letter though :)

Also... could you please review my common app essay? I'm new here, I dunno how to get around really, xD
pitchfork   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'inner conflicts' - Common app essay [3]

I like the subject of your essay. I wrote one with similar points, except I'm half Arab so the points I made were sort of different. I really loved the ending, and I think a good ending is like the final flourish of an essay that allows everyone to remember it. So there, you shall be remembered. That's always an excellent thing to think about.

Maybe there are some words or phrases that might seem a bit off that you may want to look over. For example "better English" conveys the point you want to make perfectly fine, but the way it's worded might not be. I'm no English expert myself, which sucks for me, but you don't have to sacrifice your casual tone in attempts to improve word choice or sentence structure. Considering the subject, I think having a casual tone in this essay works completely fine. It seems natural.

The only other thing is like... if you're going with prompt #2, you might want to add a bit more on why diversity is important to you.

Overall, great essay, I'm totally envious, and don't stress cause your word limit is 500, I think you'd already have to be in college in order to make an awe-striking essay in so little space.

Oh, and this sounds weird, but I'm new here and I just posted my common app essay. It's not the one that's similar to this one, but I can post it in a new thread since I have two other essays I'm uncertain about. If you want, you could review mine too? xD
pitchfork   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / When You Didn't Exist (M&Ms and Solipsism) - Common App Essay [8]

Okay this is one of three of my common app essays, I'd like to know your HONEST OPINIONS about it. I chose option #6, which was "topic of your choice."

One winter day, thirteen years ago, I had the foolish misfortune of shoving M&Ms up my nose. At the time, my elder sister, already in the second grade, was monopolizing my mother's precious time with her school work. Therefore, I had no one to play with. I must also mention that at this time, I was a profound solipsist. Shattered by outright neglect, I half-heartedly skipped into my parents' bedroom and found an unambiguously open pack of Hershey's M&Ms lying on the dresser. Without much further thought, I grabbed the bag and scooted back into the hallway to reevaluate the accessibility of my playmate sister. But, of course, she was too preoccupied with her crayons, most of which I had already broken while drawing rainbow daffodils and princess castles.

Quietly, yet delightfully, I popped M&M pieces into my mouth, but I desperately wanted my mother's attention. It became harder to entertain myself, especially with this newfound sugar rush from the forbidden fruit I hid in my grubby hands. The piece I remember holding at that moment was a brown M&M. Why did they color the brown M&M's brown, when the chocolate had been brown to begin with? To me, It was perplexing, and so much so to the extent that I mindlessly shoved it up my right nostril instead of placing it in my mouth. Oh, I thought. That feels pretty cool. I pulled out an orange M&M and secured it in my left nostril. I felt like a God - or perhaps a beast, but only one of unfathomable might and strength.

"Mama! Mama!" I began to shout from the hallway. "Mama, I'm a monster!" I began to growl in her general direction. The noxious odor of Crayola no longer wafted in from the room... or perhaps I could no longer smell it? My inadvertent plan had failed to work. It was time to put those rebellious-looking M&M's in my mouth. But that had failed also.

My parents forced me to blow my nose as hard as I could and roar like Simba, but no roar came out. I sounded less like the king of the jungle and more like a child with a pair M&M's beginning the long journey into her lungs. My nostrils were adhered shut with chocolate candy, and they started to sting. I fearfully gazed upon the distressingly modest amounts of brown stains on the tissues I blew my nose into. I was frightened, and felt very much alone.

Straight afterwards, I was driven furiously to the hospital, where the pieces were nowhere to be found because they had already melted during the ride over. In the ER, there were children of many ages, all there in illness, injury, or possibly even chocolate maladies. Hiding under the receptionist's desk, I began to ponder the true reality of the world around me, because there was no way that the M&Ms I had in my nose should have caused such a ruckus if they did not exist.
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳