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Posts by bll2012
Joined: Dec 28, 2011
Last Post: Dec 30, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 4
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bll2012   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Travel to intrigue' - Himalayas and the city of Kathmandu - Notre Dame [6]

I am applying to the same school and I talked to other students about this essay topic and you do not have to write about taking a risk that is Not the topic althought if that is what you want to right about then that's fine. The topic is just you have 150 words not take a risk and write something. As far as I know and have heard you can write whatever your heart desires, but obviously I would make it good and reveal something about myself if I was you.
bll2012   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Columbia Supplement - "Why this Major" + "Meaningful Book" [8]

"few stick out in my mind more so than Markus Zusak's The Book Thief."

I cannot tell whether you punctuated the books title correctly so I will just remind you to do so. Also I may be wrong, but is there supposed to be a comma after the author's name?

"I have reopened it and read random passages to enjoy the plot, to think of the deeper story it tells, and to luxuriate in the richness of the language. I am haunted by this book."

This sentence is kind of awkward go over it a bit.

"What makes the book stimulating is not its feisty young heroine who has a Potterish appeal, nor its Vonnegut whimsy to the caustic turns of fate, but its oddly relatable narrator- Death."

I do not like your intro to this sentence I think it could be better reworded. Just a thought. Also the word whimsy seems odd either in its current tense or in general idk I can not tell at this moment.

"Zusak's portrayal of Death, is not the avenging angel who comes to rip Man away from his loved ones, but one who cares for the human soul; one who is heavy with the burdens of the job. As such his only respite is when he stops to notice the color of the sky, "In my line of work, I make it a point to notice them." he confides. "

the seems weird. try not one of an avenging angel or something like that.

"In all but this , I am an aspiring researcher. "

Intro is kind of awkward. I would try rewording this.

"The mystery of (the) brain and the magnitude of its capabilities never cease to amaze me, such as (the) human memory."

"How am I able to remember complex song lyrics and megabytes of basketball statistics while struggling to remember math formulas?"

I am not a huge fan of this question because you seem to go from talking in one perspective to asking yourself a question. Maybe you can not say how am I and instead how is one.. or something like that. Also instead of while struggling you can say but yet forget common math formulas..:/ idk maybe.

"These and many more questions I hope to have answered through studying Neuroscience."

This sentence awkwardly worded. Try go over it again.

"I used to wonder which would be the greater mastery and (which one would allow me to better serve the world) how I could better serve the world: as a researcher or a physician? I have slowly come to realize that the best answer to that question is simply that the question is irrelevant as the two are so inextricably intertwined that neither exists meaningfully alone.

Your essays are wonderful! You are a good writer. I do, however, suggest thaqt you reread each essay as a whole and make sure you stay in one tense/perspective. Also make sure some of the sentences make sense to the reader. Other than that they are very unique and sophisticated.
bll2012   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / When You Didn't Exist (M&Ms and Solipsism) - Common App Essay [8]

Of my stranger attributes, I have the ability to recollect even the most shaded of memories from wherever they've been stored. In some ways, this helps me analyze the life I've led (idk if this is the best idea but i think maybe adding in "the life I've led thus far by being bale to relive it.") by being able to relive it.

Every conscious thought, every previous state of mind,( I am not sure, but check the grammar rules for this third comma. I may be wrong) any image I can bring before me with the same clarity as if it had happened moments ago.

I may be wrong and if I am sorry.:/

Anyways your essay is phenomenal! The topic is very unique and the writing is very strong! GOOD LUCK! your a wonderful writer!
bll2012   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Pace University and Common APP Essay: "What My Application Doesn't Show" [NEW]

I am using this essay for more than one prompt so please let me know if it answers both of them. Also please tell me what you think, give grammatical suggestions, word choice suggestions, etc. Thank you! :)

Prompt 1:Please use this space to share additional information about your personal background and experiences, your family dynamics, and/or your educational history that would assist us in evaluating you as a potential candidate for admission. Please feel free to describe any obstacles or challenges you have faced.

Prompt 2:We would like to learn more about you. In 250-500 words, please tell us something about yourself that your application does not currently convey. The personal statement you submit must consist of your own original work.


What My Application Doesn't Show

There is so much about me that is hidden by the series of academic questions in this application. For one, you can't see the hours of excruciating abdominal pains or the hours of searching for shapes in my bathroom floor tiles. You can't see the numerous doctors' visits; each one filled with lime green walls and yelling children. You also can't see the apprehensiveness of my mother each time the doctors failed to give a diagnoses or the hours I slaved away on homework without a teacher to help me. Basically, what I am saying is, you cannot see the whole picture of who I am. I am not looking for pity or sympathy, but for a mere understanding of just a fraction of my life.

So, let's rewind back to the beginning of my junior year. About a month into my junior year in high school, I was home-bounded. I was sent home to tackle AP and honors courses on my own, while also riding an emotional roller-coaster of medical what-ifs. What-if it was cancer or some other mysterious disease? What-if I could never go back to school? Or what-if I was destined to a life confined inside the bright lime green walls of the children's hospital that is until I became too old for their services and was sent to some dreary adult hospital. All the what-ifs began to turn my entire life upside down.

Still, the hours of sitting on the couch like a prednisone induced zombie and all the hours of drinking blue Gatorade to clean out for my three scopes was nowhere near as difficult as the academic challenges being thrown at me. I mean, junior year is truly the most stressful year for any high school student; at least in Georgia, that is. Between graduation testing and taking SATs, a student can drown in the amounts of information attempting to be shoved down their throats. For me, this was the source for only a mere portion of my stress.

While, other students had teachers, at the ready, to answer any question they had, as simple as they might be, I was left with me, myself, and I. Now, do not think that I am leading you on because I did have a tutor. However, the tutor could not be there when I was in the hospital or all day Monday through Friday like other teachers. I must admit the tutor was phenomenal when it came to AP history considering he took my AP teachers exams for fun. Still, my course load was heavy and my tutor could not do or know it all especially in our two day a week and three hour time limit.

Therefore, I had to find other means of learning. Whether it is asking doctors and nurses for help with my Honors Anatomy and Physiology class or it is practicing Spanish with my pediatrician. I found other ways of getting the work done one way or another. This does not mean there weren't hours of frustration spent on reading Hemingway and Thoreau stories with complete and utter confusion for my honors American Literature course, but that I found help outside of the box. Yes, that same hypothetical box that every English teacher continuously lectures to their students about. In fact, for Math 3 I watched YouTube videos to teach me those pesky conic sections. Yes, YouTube!

So basically, with all this rambling about this helter-skelter of a junior year I am just trying to give you a piece of me and what I have been through. I want you to see that despite the odds I made it through and am applying as an undergraduate student to your college or university today. I am attempting to shed light on my strength and even my weaknesses, per se. I am hoping you will take into account that my scattered grades and almost lousy test scores do not express my true aptitude and talents. Overall, I hope you can see my drive and perseverance, as well as, my resourcefulness and determination instead of the average GPA and test scores. I want you to understand that I am much more than that and that I truly belong at your school.
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