Please correct and critique
You have 150 words. Take a risk.
Let me take you across the Pacific and intrigue you. I will make you trek across the Himalayas and into the city of Kathmandu, my home. I will lead you to my rooftop, where you will see the ends the valley and the peeking mountains. We will then travel the countryside in a night bus, racing the cows and the street dogs. A flight, a train, and a bus and you will reach my school, located in a remote town in India where the backdrop is the ice-glazed mountain. You will walk up the jagged steep path with me, from my dorm to my school; do not be surprised if we come across a monkey or two. I will serve you pizzas mixed with Indian spices and hot masala chai whilst the trees sway in the cool evening breeze and the drone of the Muslim prayer chants engulf the hills.
very powerful writing, but it does kind of miss the point. why is going to visit your home 'taking a risk'. also, i'm sure this is about YOU taking a risk, not the reader
The ending is very abrupt and I do not understand exactly what kind of risk you have taken. Is it an adventure in India? If it is, then state it. Do not leave the reader wondering what point you are trying to make. You have a talent for describing the imagery and making it vivid in the reader's mind but you have no conclusion to your 'risk essay'.
Good luck
@zaman: thank you for reading.=) but i thought the point was to just write on anything. or does it have to be about something risky I have done?
@cleopatra: i guess my ending still needs more work. or my whole essay for the matter. thanks for reading.
I am applying to the same school and I talked to other students about this essay topic and you do not have to write about taking a risk that is Not the topic althought if that is what you want to right about then that's fine. The topic is just you have 150 words not take a risk and write something. As far as I know and have heard you can write whatever your heart desires, but obviously I would make it good and reveal something about myself if I was you.
