zhangvict
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement - Describe someone who has had an influence on you. [4]
Subjective comments:
The main theme of your essay seems to be about how Pager has taught you to relax more instead of stressing out. I think you should make this more apparent, not just say 'Pager made me happier blah blah' etc, but SHOW it. I read your essay and I see many statements declaring how nice and easygoing Pager is, and other statements declaring that you became more like him, but I never really get to truly understand your change since you lack the SHOW part. You might want to use anecdotes of specific situations where you were stressed out but Pager helped you relax or something, but whatever you do, SHOW the change and influence, not just simply stating it.
Overall, I like the tone and voice, its relaxed and light to me, which is a plus I think since your whole essay is about how you learned to let loose.
Subjective comments:
The main theme of your essay seems to be about how Pager has taught you to relax more instead of stressing out. I think you should make this more apparent, not just say 'Pager made me happier blah blah' etc, but SHOW it. I read your essay and I see many statements declaring how nice and easygoing Pager is, and other statements declaring that you became more like him, but I never really get to truly understand your change since you lack the SHOW part. You might want to use anecdotes of specific situations where you were stressed out but Pager helped you relax or something, but whatever you do, SHOW the change and influence, not just simply stating it.
Overall, I like the tone and voice, its relaxed and light to me, which is a plus I think since your whole essay is about how you learned to let loose.
