Posts by aroj93

aroj93

Jan 5, 2012

Undergraduate / 'My mother is a vivid example' - CommonApp: Significant person [5]

Nick_VT,

I think you have a very strong, inspirational story written here. I don't think your intro was boring because from the start you drew me in with a captivating sentence that made me want to know why your mother was your guide light. In addition, the story itself is quite interesting therefore this only adds to the "spice" of your intro.

I got admitted to Stony Brook for next fall as well. I transferred from Farmingdale. I think this essay will be strong enough to get you into SBU no problem. Good luck with your admissions and maybe I will see you there next fall.

Please take a minute or two of your time and review/critique my paper for my transfer app to Binghamton. I hoped for it to have been done today but it didn't work out. I pasted the link below :). Thank you and good luck!

aroj93

Jan 5, 2012

Undergraduate / 'the last United Way meeting' - Georgetown General [3]

Hi there,

You paint a picture with the way you describe things in your writing. Vivid and to the point which makes it an enjoyable piece to read.

I agree with Jennyflower81 that the word "tired" could be replaced with something that gives you more of a positive outlook. Perhaps expand on that you were just generally hungry to do something different-you weren't sure as to what it was but you were ready for a change. This kind of subtly puts that you were "tired" of it but also makes you seem more energetic towards progression.

"We all ate a quick but very delicious breakfast full of good food and orange juice and began to work". To me it sounds awkward because you sort of complimented the food twice here. You said it was very delicious and then restated that the breakfast consisted of good food. I'm not quite sure if I explained it right, but it just stuck out as awkward to me, perhaps reword it.

All in all, you seem to have written about not only an interesting topic but more importantly an experience that you have learned from. You convey that nicely and tie everything together well with your descriptions of the scenery and the genuine passion that you seem to have put into this project.

Please take out a minute or two of your time and review/critique my essay in which I had hoped to complete by today but unfortunately can not happen :( I pasted it below for you :). Good luck with the rest of your processes :)

aroj93

Jan 5, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Education cannot be taken from you' - HOWARD PERSONAL STATEMENT [4]

Hi there angiepie,

I think your essay is excellent! Like the comment above stated, you surely seem intelligent and mature. In addition to that, I think you bring some great things to the table such as your passion for learning and then using that to then teach others. Although you did expand well on those things, I would perhaps expand just slightly on your attribute of, "making people around you better". Many applicants such as myself all speak about how hard we work, but maybe if you touch upon how you used that work to impact others, even in the slightest of fashions (just a sentence or two), could help round you off as the extraordinary person you already seem to be, judging by your essay!

All in all I think it's a very good essay. Grammar is fine, I can't find any awkward phrasing and the vocabulary is up-to-par. Nothing stuck out at me and I usually find that if I have to search for errors than the work may end up too complex. Great job!

Please review my paper below that I intended on submitting today but I don't think will happen :( Good luck with your admissions!

aroj93

Jan 5, 2012

Undergraduate / 'work ethic principle' - Transfer Application [2]

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

Note: The Common Application essay should be the same for all colleges. Members that wish to review custom essay responses will request them on their Supplement form.

Hi guys,

I am trying to transfer out of SUNY Farmingdale to SUNY Binghamton. Any input/editing would be greatly appreciated and the favor WILL be returned. I put a little more than an hour into this and I know I need to add some personal touches to it here and there and a conclusion but anything that you guys see I will fix! THANKS! Feel free to be harsh and to the point! I'm not a very good writer!

I came to an extraordinary realization at the end of my junior year in high school that enabled me to understand an essential principle that I had yet to discover, work ethic. Throughout my first three years in high school, I did the minimal requirements and only did what was asked of me rather than overshooting above and beyond. As a result, my grades were relatively mediocre and my SAT score was weak. After receiving my high school cumulative G.P.A. and my SAT's, I became frustrated with my inability to apply myself. Despite my frustrations, I had discovered the concept of applying one's self and using self-discipline to achieve my highly set goals and get the job done at whatever cost. I had learned the hard way that our destiny is decided based upon one relatively harsh reality in this world; the reality that our lives are shaped according to the choices we make along our journey. Often times, it takes one to be pushed down in order to rise above, and that is what happened to me. The overwhelming sensation of, "it's too late" and, "there's nothing you can do now", left me gritting my teeth and shaking my head with helplessness. I hadn't necessarily made bad choices throughout high school, however I was just stagnant enough where I never sought to make the choices that would best prepare me for a successful future. I was essentially irrelevant to society, zero benefit, and just another molded teenager with ultimately no impact on anyone's life other than my family. After that feeling of helplessness that I received that day, I never want to remain stagnant again.

Attracted by the effortless commute, the coziness of living at home and the convenience of playing another season of ice hockey, I enrolled at SUNY Farmingdale in my senior year, based upon the luxuries of convenience and comfort. Little did I know that this is where my problem laid, comfort. I believe that in order to progress, we must step out of our comfort zone and despite my "comfortable" lifestyle throughout high school; I now see what I am capable of. I learned that reaching the brink of my potential is merely a self-test as to see what I am made of and now that I can see, I only crave progression. In all sincerity, I love my time thus far at Farmingdale and completing this application is slightly difficult because I have built a lot of close relationships with my classmates and professors. Farmingdale has provided me with a stage where it gave me the blank slate to implement these new principles into my work. Despite this, it just does not provide the challenges that I seek academically. Furthermore, during my visit at Binghamton, both the people and the landscape warmly welcomed me to the campus. With this, I have come to learn that I would like to move out of my cookie-cutter, small town suburban home and live at Binghamton to appreciate the tranquil rural lifestyle while living the college experience with the new dorms on campus. After visiting Binghamton I learned that it is the school of my dreams. Academically, it provides the rigorous challenge that I crave to expand my knowledge and intellect while allowing me to fulfill the much desired college experience. In three years from now, my objective is to be attending a tier one law school with a background in Economics or Political Science, in which I hope to have obtained from Binghamton, in order to give me a strong foundation in becoming a corporate attorney. I understand that a major factor of law school acceptance is an applicant's G.P.A and therefore I intend on working at whatever cost to achieve the highest grade I can reach. Throughout my years, I would like to be an active member on campus, becoming a member of the ice hockey team, pledging at a fraternity, joining the Chabad House and beginning a recycling club.

Thank you for your time.